Sufferer In Need Of Support

[keepfightingbut]

Hi I'm new to this. I've had an abusive childhood and went from that to an abusive marriage. Been left 10 years on my own with my 2 boys.

What I really need to know is ?? Will all the signs of ptsd affect my children? I'm now 42 and pretty much manage daily life. Sometimes even slip into lifes good! But then bang back down to earth! Lack of sleep! Sit in silence for hours! Heart racing! And emotional detachment ( not my boys) massive trust issues! Found a way round it tho.. just dont let anyone in! Then it dawns on me! This really isn't right!! I'm so scared and I'm not sure I can face it all! But I need to do right by my boys... some advice would be nice.

 

[intothelight]

@keepfightingbut Welcome to the forum!

I think that every parent, regardless of PTSD, worries whether or not they are doing a good job at raising their children. With PTSD, that concern takes on an even greater importance based upon past experience and present problems. It isn't a question that can really be answered here as only you know how your boys are doing emotionally, socially and academically. Even if they are experiencing problems in an area, it may or may not be related to your PTSD, as it could be from outside source, part of their personality, an environmental influence or many other things.

Personally, I think the best thing a parent with PTSD can do is seek the help they need to treat the trauma and to manage symptoms. By being the best that we can be, then we can be the best parent that we can be. Talk about your specific concerns with your therapist and if you feel there are issues created by the PTSD, you might want to consider individual or family therapy for your children.

 

[Calypso]

Here's what I think, take it or leave it. The best thing to do for your boys is to set an example that it's okay to have a multitude of emotions and not be ashamed of those emotions. Show them the reality of life that it has its ups and its downs and everything isn't perfect all the time. Set the example to not be ashamed to get help when you need it. By teaching them that it is okay to express their emotions you will have raised better, stronger, more loyal and compassionate men.

 

[Meadowsweet]

I've lived (still live) in a similar way.

Children are effected by everything that they experience. People experience their symptoms differently. Like you, I've cut off from people, don't let anyone in, and will have hours just sitting in silence, while inside my mind is utter turmoil. When my symptoms are high, I can do little else but lie down, sleeping/dissociated or do things on autopilot.

When things have been very bad, I have told my children that I have a headache, and need to lie down. But as soon as I can, I have spent proper quality time together, doing things together as a family. Something that has helped me when I experience derealisation, is to ask the children if they want a game of cards with me. So quite often in those dissociated states, we'd sit and play cards together as a family. Similarly, because I don't have a partner or friends, it's always been just the three of us and all my energy and attention has been given to them - not on going out with my mates etc. So I feel that it has worked out to a good balance.

Also, for me, being very conscious and concerned about getting it right (because of my own childhood), I was ultra aware of my children's moods and needs. I don't cry easily in front of others, and my emotions and problems on my mind, are just too extreme to put onto young shoulders by talking to the children about them. My daughter was at risk of following my lead on that, and it took some encouragement from me (when i could tell something was wrong) to get her to open up to me. But I explained that I know that I keep too much of my emotion in, and that's because I wasn't allowed to show them when I was a child, but that it's better to talk about them. A few years on, and she talks very openly to me about everything. So, yes ofcourse we effect our children (as everyone does), but being a good mother (or carer of any sort) is about recognising our effects on others, and adjusting to change the adverse effects.

In terms of recovery for myself. I've had some therapy and it has helped me to be more understanding, caring to myself. Stopping fighting myself has eased my anxiety compared to what it was. But i feel that if I didn't have children to care for, I could have gone into more depth of my traumatic experience, and healed a lot more than I have been able to. To go too deep into the emotion is highly likely to leave me unstable. To be a good mother, I need to be stable, so i don't have the luxury of taking healing further at the moment.

 

[JEKBreatheandBelieve]

I worry about that all the time with my own boys- that my PTSD will affect my boys. They are still young so they don't always notice that my behaviors are not those of your typical mother (disappearing into rooms, not responding, crying a lot, etc.). My oldest is starting to notice some. Sometimes I can't control the overwhelming emotions and anger gets out and that worries me a lot.

That said, I try to recognize that I love my boys and do a lot for and with them. I apologize when I have gotten angry. I try to explain as best I can why I can't do something like "Mommy is tired and doesn't like a lot of noise, so Mommy can't play the ghost game right now." I find providing the explanation helps so he doesn't think that I don't want to play with him at all.

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

Welcome to the forum. :)