Sufferer In Search Of The Truth

[Edz]

Yeah it is in a couple of hours and I am still in bed playing computer games I don't want to go new place, new person, don't know what is going to happen too many unknowns agh. I don't want to go but I need to it is scary though I don't want to face it I want to be a care free young person not someone who has to go and talk about all of this.

lol first time I have been called typical when it comes to anything :P but a marriage proposal would be easy to answer umm no not until I get a GRC at least this one requires a little more thinking cause there is not really a good easy get out clause considering I like the guy.

 

[Edz]

Well I went HighWay To Hell but back on another waiting list now as he wants me to go through either STAIR/MPE or Trauma Focused CBT and EMDR whatever they are he is just going to discuss with the team what the best option is and get back in touch with me. That and he messed with my meds but that has got be cleared through my local mental health team then my GP before it comes into effects so yay, triggered. Stressed and nothing to help me unless I can get a doctors appt for tomorrow to get some more Diazepam as the psych suggested joyous.

 

[HighwayToHell]

If you want to land on your feet, you have to jump first.

Unless you go through with it right to the bitter end of treatment, you will never be able to be the carefree, intelligent person you really are.

Now get your butt out of bed and get showered and dressed and GO. OK?

Oh and good luck, you crazy scientist!

 

[HighwayToHell]

Hey I just missed your updated post when I sent the last one giving you a lecture to get out of bed - sorry!

SO glad you went as it has put things in train. Have you got a doctors appointment yet?
Biting my nails and fingers crossed for you

 

[Edz]

Not sure my housemate would appreciate me showering at this time though ;) and as it is 3am I don't think the Doctors are open yet lol if only they were cause I need my meds to calm me down but I need a script first.

Don't bite your nails it is a bad habit (hypocritical but oh well). I ain't glad I went it has left me somehow in a worse place than I was in before if that was possible they like pushing you beyond your limits it seems it is like no.

 

[HighwayToHell]

Time differences drive me nuts. For the record, I am not American. I am Australian.
You have a flat mate? How does that go? I can't stand sharing and the only person I have ever shared a house with successfully is my current partner.

OK so your Doc is probably in Dreamland - but still, I hope you get an appointment OK - hey, they would have an answer service yeah? If you leave a message at 3am asking for first available appointment, they will answer your call before anyone else at least....just a thought.

Regarding feeling as if you are being pushed beyond your limits - no f...ing kidding? No way? A PTSD feeling, and indeed being, pushed over the edge of a cliff into a bottomless abyss? News Flash: What else is f...ing new? There is an old joke about slow news days and the papers running the headline "Unarmed Man In Police Siege: No Hostage!!!"

On a second count, I find you NORMAL.

If there is one thing we are good at it is taking a kick when we are down. .You have lived through levels of pain, trauma and adversity that are way beyond the survival of many others - yet here you are, at 3.00 am, on the forum talking to me after having what was no doubt Yet Another Day From Hell. You GOT THROUGH IT. Just as you will get through this.

Are you going to get any sleep tonight?

 

[Edz]

Ah my cousins live in NZ and Aus(Queensland I think), I know the feeling about time differences I have mates all around the world from cyberspace and you are playing a game and they say they are off for breakfast and it is like 2 am where I am it is like what?

I have a house mate, student accommodation 4 bedroom house agh, most of them are 5-8 bedrooms so I am lucky to get one this small especially for the price I am paying. Though amusingly since I have been diagnosed with PTSD and had the emergency services out a few times 2 people have moved out because they are 'scared' of me (I am harmless apart from to myself) and the other spends as much time at his boyfriends as possible only here a few nights a week so it suits me fine. They all pay bills and rent not to be here, cause they are scared of someone who is mentally ill, well someone who has been hospitalised for mental health issues they were fine with me until that happened. The other way I cope is I have the bedroom next to the bathroom, and I also have a mini fridge, a microwave, a kettle, a rice cooker, a toaster and a sandwich toaster in my room means I hardly have to leave it so practically am alone any way.

When I do go out my room I hate being in shared accommodation, I am a bit of a neat freak and students don't tend to be there are normally cans, junk mail and rubbish just anywhere. The kitchen always looks like it needs decontaminating before you could walk into it let alone cook in it, the bathroom is a little better only cause I use it. That and they don't agree with me and they think that I should do more work around the house because they are doing exams and studying and hold down a full time job whilst I sit on my arse and do nothing in his words. I dream of a day when I can afford to live completely alone and don't have to put up with this.

As for sleep no I got none just went for a walk to a supermarket to buy some food finally thought that the lack of food for 3 days and an empty cupboard that I should yet I ended up with only a little bit of food and some antifreeze I didn't need cause I totally forgot why I was there until I got home. As for doctors appt no my doctor phoned in sick today he should be back tomorrow I could see a locum but no I don't trust anyone but my doctor so I wait with the torture.

 

[HighwayToHell]

Your DR called in sick? God can they do that? Damn.

The share house sounds excruciating although if it suits you in some ways that is a bonus.
I cannot believe your Dr called in sick - today of all days. %^&$!. Very sorry you have to wait another day.

Called in sick. For Pete's sake.

 

[Edz]

Yeah Doctors can call in sick just like any one else, he has been off for a few days apparently I am hoping he is back tomorrow or I have the weekend to face too which I don't think will end well. What frustrates me it is a simple stupid medicine that anyone would prescribe to help me through a time of anxiety and yet it has to be cleared through either my mental health team who can't see me until the middle of next week or my own GP cause they know me and how it has helped in the past. It like gees just give me a low dose for a few days whilst they can sort out the proper dose then if that is what you are worried about.

 

[HighwayToHell]

Yeah typical. It is the same here. And they wonder why people go out and score it on the street like everyone else.

I am on a long weekend here. Yesterday (Thursday) was Anzac Day). Today is a normal Friday but I took a day off so I could have a 4 day weekend. Love sleeping in. Love long weekends. God I love this country.

What is it like there over the weekend? Is there stuff to do around town? Can you get a decent coffee and cake when you need it?

 

[Edz]

The problem is I don't even need to go to the street to score, my step dad was involved in the drug scene literally all I need to do is text a number say I am down or need something and it is posted through my letter box within the hour. It is really hard to stay away from temptation with it.

There is stuff to do in town on a Saturday but Sunday most places are shut at 4pm so it is really quiet. I don't really like town I do a lot well most of my shopping etc on line or at 3 am to avoid people! But there are good places to get food and that if you like that stuff. Especially as I live in Cardiff we got the Millennium Stadium, a football Stadium, a few big theater's a few arena's which all hold cool stuff and we have 3 uni's so plenty of social life if you are into the scene. Though this weekend I am working at the Football Stadium on Saturday if I don't freak out this time.

 

[HighwayToHell]

Hey you are much braver than me with temptation - I would be hopeless in that situation so again, I am in awe.

Your neighbourhood sounds bohemian and interesting and educated.
What do you do at the football stadium? I can see how that kind of crowd situation would be a high risk factor for you.