Sufferer In Search Of The Truth

[HighwayToHell]

Of course you are a mess today. There is no pain in this world that rivals rejection or invalidation of your feelings by your own Mother. How you feel right now is a perfectly understandable reaction and you must have felt so hurt and disappointed and rejected that she reacted as she did (or didn't to be more accurate).

My own experiences suggest that it may never change. She may never come out of denial and indeed may well be emotionally damaged herself to the extent she is incapable of doing so.

At the same time we are hard wired to synch with the expectations of our parents whatever they may be and that sense of the gap between the what they expect and who we really are never leaves us I don't think. The best I hope for is to learn to live with it a bit more successfully than I have in the past, rather than aiming for it to be 'better' between us or try to heal any family relationships. Your therapist may disagree, but sometimes it simply cannot be done.

The thing to remember is it is not your fault so why should you have to suffer emotionally any more than you already have? Mentally hand it back to her. There is nothing else you can do now you have written and told her the truth. What was done to you was not your fault, your parent/s failure to protect you was not your fault and your Mother's on going denial is not your fault. The only person you can change is yourself and you are already doing your best to facilitate that, even in the face of a decidedly unhelpful mental health and medical system with their stupid assessment criteria and ludicrous waiting lists.

If I lived up the road I would bring coffee and cake over and chat. As it is all I can do is offer my moral support as you process her appalling reaction to your letter (which must have been excruciating for you to write) and hope you know that I am thinking of you.

Anyone can have a really bad day but I will not let you refer to yourself as 'rubbish'. The people who abused you and vilified you and bashed you are rubbish. You are a highly intelligent and compassionate human being who loves Dr Who and deserves better treatment from your Family. But again experience tells me you will die of old age before you get it

So have a cup of tea or coffee in my honour. Take it easy today. I send a Cyber Hug and please check in later..

 

[Edz]

I sort of expected the reaction of rejection and confusion due to my Gender Dysphoria and the fact I am seeking treatment, I know that is a lot to get your head around. Although I accept that I need to transition to male and I don't fit into the Gender Binary etc, I still have trouble understanding why and question if things were different and that is after nearly 6 years of research and continually growing and searching for answers. So I didn't really expect straight away acceptance in the realm yeah I am the same person but she has lost her only 'daughter' in a sense so I expected there to be like a grieving period and her to have questions on that one.

It is more the response and how she reacted to the fact I just told her I was raped, and how it was a hate crime and how bad it got and she couldn't bring her self to say sorry or anything other than it was my own fault for presenting as male and being 'gay'. It is frustrating because I could of sent a letter confronting her about my past, her part in the abuse, her neglecting me, turning a blind eye to what happened. I could of started talking about how she left all of her responsibilities onto a little kid only 8 years old and asked about all that and started by digging for answers but no I started by breaking it all gently and just talking about stuff she couldn't realistically be blamed for.

I don't think the family rift can be healed but the psychiatrists and mental health professionals you know what they are like with the sound support networks, they want my family as part of it. Apparently as all my friends are diagnosed with mental health issues and most are or at some point in the past were on psychiatric wards, it isn't a good support system my friends. When I feel like shouting actually it is better than 'normal' people you want in my support system because they know what it is like and they are condescending and don't blame me for what happened. I just want to jack in all the therapy because they think they know what is best for me, and I am too young to know what I really want. I hate them seriously I am an adult/young person who has been through more than they have and am still fighting and yet they think they know better just cause they read a text book.

 

[HighwayToHell]

I can't believe MH services still insist on pushing that bullshit family involvement criteria. It wouldn't work for my family either and if they are 'normal' and a 'superior' support system, then I am indeed in big, big, trouble.

Everyone is an expert when it's not their %^&*ing life and some people (some, but not all) who are 'highly qualified' have a degree in everything except common sense. Ironically, Mental Health teams are like your family in that you can't really choose them, either.

I send cyber-cake and virtual coffee and a BIG HUG.

 

[Edz]

Oh yeah and you can't forget that the mental health services are practically saying that perverts, abusers and neglecting people who only care about themselves are a good support system. Wow I never realised that, just a minute I will go to a prison and make friends with all the people who have been done for violent crimes etc because they will be the best support system obviously(!) I am waiting for the next time they suggest family involvement and I will just point out that they told me I was better than my abusers and I didn't have to live under them etc when they are trying to make me by getting my family involved they contradict themselves so much.

I got to laugh my CPNs (Community Psychiatric Nurse) next big idea after seeing my medals in my room, is to get me to run another half marathon I haven't done one in 2 years and haven't done hardly any sport in the past 12 months I am so unfit at the moment and they said they are going to pay for my entry and to get training. Thanks for the choice in the matter, just went out for a run and boy am I unfit can hardly run for 3 mins splits at the moment for the half hour let alone running 13.1 miles in under 3 hours. So thinking I might tell them where to go with that idea. That and they have told me I am being signed up for the local football team what don't they get about the fact I don't like people or strange places and I don't really want to do it or the word no.

 

[HighwayToHell]

I learned a really good response to people won't take no for an answer. I do use it all the time and they HATE it. Not one single person I have ever used it on has tried again. I say to them:

"What part of "no" don't you understand?"

 

[Edz]

Oh I asked that to my last psychiatrist. He looked at me seriously with a straight face and said the definition and then moved on. Not used it on mental health people since. I am thinking my next pathway could be better, I will do the football if my support worker comes and plays too as it is a beginners thing for anyone :P he is a couch potato and normally sits behind his computer all day. I could do with a laugh and watching him get all sweaty and fail could be entertaining and could mean I only have to do it a week if at all. I am also thinking of saying I will do the half marathon if the CPN does it too, see how he reacts to that considering last time I freaked out and ran off he gave in after about 50 m and was out of breath that might make him think twice. I can be cruel too.

 

[HighwayToHell]

Oh pot calling kettle black...who else was just saying they are unfit and spend all their time behind the computer? Finding it amusing to see him suffering and falling over is a mean thing to say.

Geeze

 

[Edz]

Ah it is pay back he likes getting me to do things that make me uncomfortable because they are 'good' for me. Exercise is good so football is good for him so it will be payback if becomes uncomfortable and is out of his comfort zone he can get how I feels that way... Maybe then he will be able to understand me a little better ;) I didn't say falling over but that would be funny considering our weather, caked in mud now you are giving me ideas lol.

I am unfit but hopefully that will change a bit depending on how bad my anxiety is, hopefully muscle memory etc will help cause I did 15 years of martial arts and used to play for a professional under 15s football club but that was years ago see if I can get back in shape.

 

[HighwayToHell]

I am unfit too and should walk more.
Pity about the complete inertia I seem to be suffering from.

You're a science nut - how to you cure inertia? What is the opposing force?

 

[Edz]

There is no opposing force for inertia, because inertia is when there is a lack of force acting upon something, so stays in still or remains in uniform motion. So I guess the opposing force is any force because that will change it unless there were two or more forces balancing each other out. Though medically I think it is more to do with admitting stuff, setting small goals, being realistic etc.

I am unfit and apparently all the running and sleep walking I do doesn't count as exercise according to my doctor doh I thought I was getting my half hour exercise each time I slept :P

 

[HighwayToHell]

Hello my friend, how is it all going in your world? I hope you have seen the Doctor etc by now?

I think of you often and hope you will keep in touch.

 

[Edz]

The only Doctors I have seen are David Tennant, Matt Smith, Dr Bruce Tanner... Nope my appointment is for the 13th and still waiting for it, they keeping pushing it around which is stupid. I just want my meds, ran out of my normal meds let alone the others they want me on to stop me from toppling over. I need to see a doctor before I can get more of my normal ones as I am out of repeats as I need to be monitored it is ridiculous!!

Not doing good at all, though my relationship with the guy is going okay, the only downside is he has just been diagnosed with PTSD as well which could be quite fun... I know how hard it is too suffer not sure I can watch another person I care about go through the same.