In The Mind Of My Abuser

[Crow88]

Every single day of my life I am plagued by memories and flashbacks of the rapes and molestations I experienced as a teenager. However, what truly makes me feel sick is that I see the situation through the body/ mind of my abusers. I feel their sexual gratification at my pain and I am aware of their enjoyment in hurting and controlling me. Only a very small part of me remains the victim as I have this dissociative experience. Afterwards, I'm back in my body and I feel small, scared and deeply ashamed - as if I am to blame for what happened. Even just writing this is making me want to puke!

I don't want to keep experiencing this waking nightmare. Does anyone else know what I'm talking about? Any advice?

 

[Barconian]

I know this sounds stupid. If you can't change something, change the way you look at it

You focus on your abuser because it is too hard to focus on yourself, in your own thoughts and that is why. @Crow88 You have nothing to be ashamed about, you didn't ask for this and your abusers were being self centred little ass wipes. The worst bit is they are cowards and prey on the weak (children)! You did nothing wrong!!!

 

[EvenStrongerNow]

(((((((((((((((@Crow88)))))))))))))))

 

[Crow88]

Thank you so, so much guys. I really needed help and support with this and I REALLY appreciate your messages :hug:

 

[Stagetrapdoor]

You would never have sought out such a horrible experience.

It helped me to imagine what my first sexual experience would have been like It would not have been with a married grown man.

My therapist asked when I became sexually active. She said not to count what someone did to you before 18..

When did you decide to have sex with someone when it was your idea? These questions helped clarify some of the shame and blame I kept carrying. Let it go! You deserve a happy life.