Relationship In Traumatic Based Relationship

[cody ray]

Hello,

I have been dating a girl for the past two years. The dates were great, we were very loving towards each other, intimate, and I had found my perfect match. She would cry after sexual contact and told me, "she was just happy to find someone like me". About six months later, everything came crashing down. One night after having minor sexual contact, she broke down on me. She told me about sexual abuse that she has had from men since she was 12. I have been trying to help, it seems the longer I stay the worse it gets. She has been to counciling and refuses to go back, we have been to counciling together and I have not tried to push that on her. I don't know what to other than what I am doing...I have taken all financial, I have proved myself and I'm lost with what to do. What do I do to help her move on and be excited for life.

 

[NicG]

Hi there,

This sounds like a very painful struggle for both of you and I'm sorry you have to experience this because of what some awful people did in the past. I'm glad you're reaching out for help.

I'm a sexual abuse survivor myself (I was abused in my late teens) and unfortunately it's not as simple as "moving on"... as much as we'd all love it to be. For a lot of us on here it more becomes making lifestyle choices that revolve around us gradually healing, accepting ourselves as who we are, realising we are not to blame, and growing stronger. People intertwine their sexuality with many parts of their image of themselves, and often abuse survivors (especially from a young age) see themselves as dirty, broken, damaged, not as worthy as anyone else, etc etc and it takes a lot of work and a lot of tears to change that.
I appreciate how much you must love this woman and want to help her, so as for things you can do... why won't she go to counselling? Bad experiences in the past? Unfortunately it is EXTREMELY difficult to heal without help from a professional, but if she is afraid or won't go for whatever other reason, you can't force it (so it's good that you haven't been trying to). Sometimes even just making it into a therapist's office is a big journey in itself! However, there's nothing to say you couldn't go by yourself? This might show her that it's safe, it's not as horrible an experience as what she's had before, help you know how to best help her... heck you wouldn't even have to make it about her if you didn't want to. Everyone has baggage and everyone has things they want to improve about themselves, some people see therapists just to improve their self esteem, or to learn how to make healthier choices. She could maybe even sit in on a few of your sessions and see that it's not so bad?
Beyond that, you could encourage her to take a look around this site... read the responses you get, check out a few of the threads that seem relevant to her. There is a LOT to be said about not feeling alone in your pain. We all have very different stories but the effects of our trauma are somewhat universal - losing our self worth, our sense of identity, feeling like we can't be loved, anger, anxiety, trust issues, the list goes on. We all have different ways of coping, and I know I've learnt a fair few from other sufferers. Maybe she could join and ask some questions if she needed to, it's pretty anonymous.

Anyway, keep reminding her that you love her for who she is NOW, regardless of what happened then. Remind her that she can tell you whatever she wants about her past. Sometimes all we need is someone to listen. Remind her of all the wonderful things that attract you to her. And I'm sure you already know this one but take it easy with sexual contact... you need to listen and be aware of when she's uncomfortable. Best of luck, many virtual hugs to you and your partner (if you accept them) :)

 

[Sissylynn]

If we could, we would all be able to fix the one you love. As hard as it is to realize this, it is reality. I don't want to say just give up on her either. Maybe the only thing you can do is be there for her. Listen to her, reassure her you love her dearly and you are sorry she had to endure such horrific things. I used to cry after making love and my boyfriend/husband. I could not say any particular reason why either. The only thing I can think of is because it was because it was done out of love and not being used for my body or not a violent way. It did make me feel loved. A love so deep it made me cry almost every time. It can be emotional. When she does that, hold her. Reassure her you are there for her and would never hurt her. AND MEAN IT! :-) Sometimes the very person who is having the problems because of flashbacks will have to make the decision to finally get the help from a professional and let it out. As much as she can. Until she does, she will not be able to move forward to cope. I have known someone who would use it as a way of getting attention. I am not saying she is doing that. If it does begin to wear you down and you feel totally consumed with trying to help her, perhaps it will be time for you to take a longer look at the relationship. It does take a toll on the other people in her life and she needs to work at it. I hope this helps you a little bit.
All my best to you and your sweetheart, Sissy

 

[blackswan]

Hi @cody ray, welcome :)

I'm a supporter as well and truly understand how difficult it is watching the person you love go through so much pain. I've often wanted it all to just be fixed! But it unfortunately doesn't work like that. It's important to remember that it's not up to you too fix this, because you yourself are not capable of fixing this. Healing from trauma is a long and difficult process. Your job as a supporter (if you choose to accept it) is to help create a safe and loving environment to smooth and light the healing journey, but it's likely that you have a good long while of watching her working to move on and be excited about life to go before those things can actually happen. And that's not your fault and it's not her fault, it's just the nature of the beast.

My love has been dealing with PTSD for ~20 years, I've known him for 10 years, we've been living together for 2 years, and he/we are still working to move beyond the abuse he experienced as a child. It's not easy, it's not glamorous, it's often entirely heartbreaking and confusing, but he/we/me are getting there. For me it's worth it because I love him and can't imagine my life without him. I know that it's going to be hard and I choose to be with him day by day, and you need to know that it's going to be hard and have to decide if you want to be with her.

She needs professional support and therapy. However, there are times when this will be too hard! Rest breaks are an important part of the recovery process. If she can't go right now, maybe you can? You need support too! And by her seeing the benefits in you, maybe she will feel more confident about going.

Take care of yourself :)

 

[blackswan]

I'm going to pop a caveat on @NicG's very warm and loving suggestion to "remind her that she can tell you whatever she wants about her past". Because vicarious traumatisation is a real thing.

Therapists are trained and supported to be able to manage full detail disclosures regarding traumatic events (because these are important in the therapeutic process) but other people are not. You can be there for her to discuss her feelings and the effects of the events without needing to hear all the details about the events themselves, and it's important that you are not exposed to too many of these details in order to protect your own mental health.

It's tricky though! Sometimes I truly want to know exactly what happened to Boyfriend when he was small, but then I remember how distressing knowing some of the vague details about some of the events actually is... I end up wanting to talk to other people who will also find the vague details distressing... and it becomes distress all the way down. I'm ok with knowing what I do, but details of traumatic events are definitely only for the therapy room. If Boyfriend wants to talk details that's where he goes to do it.

 

[NicG]

@blackswan Oooh, good point. When you realise it's safe to talk about what happened to you, there's a temptation to just blurt it all out at the nearest trusted individual. Seems helpful at the time, often isn't later. More good reasons for you as a supporter to chat to a counselor.

Something my psych has been telling me to do lately is, if it's something I don't want to/shouldn't tell one of my supporters, and I'm not about to see her, write it down and then burn or shred the paper. It's a good way of getting things out of your head without having to tell anyone all the grim details. And it sounds silly, but it feels nice to have a tiny bit of vengeance against what was done to you! Maybe your partner could try something similar?

 

[Deleted member 1860]

I honestly don't think we should treat this one with kid gloves because the trauma was sexual. The bottom line is that if she refuses to get help, then this is how the rest of your relationship will be (or worse). You have to decide if you want to live the rest of your life like this, with a person who has PTSD yet refuses to get help. Its one thing to be a single survivor and refuse help, a whole different ballgame when you're in a relationship as you're essentially taking down two lives instead of one. That is selfish, and she needs to know that if she doesn't work on healing, she's not only hurting herself, but you as well. Sorry if this is blunt, but if we were talking about a combat trauma survivor, the advice would be the same. Neither has a right to take down those around them. If a sufferer refuses to heal, the sufferer should stay out of relationships.

Edited to add....
My trauma was sexual, so I know how crappy it can be. Nobody would have done me any favors by coddling me and enabling me while I refused to help myself.

 

[cody ray]

Thank you all so much! I am doing best, I just needed a better explanation of everything! This site is amazing, thank you

 

[Jane.l]

I believe it's pretty hard to work on trauma if you don't feel ready - it took me many years - and nothing, nobody, would have got me there any quicker and at the end of the day it has to be her decision , it's her trauma and it is her that has to put in the commitment and work - if she's not ready she won't be able to .