Hi Sophy,
Another great post that I could maybe add a bit.
This may sound or come off a bit contrary to what is being said even by you but I hope you just chew on it and if it is still crunchy, just spit it out. It could very well be my baggage.
Having anger is often a cover for something else so until you find what that is, you will probably carry some anger because you are not or unable or not ready or honestly not aware of the bottom feeders of anger.
I do not agree your statement that you are misanthropic because if you were truly misanthropic and you work with animals, you would have been in the flow. Meaning, you would be in your element so the fact you are supposedly in your element but still fighting tells me you are not in your element and you are not in the flow. This leaves me with one other conclusion (and this is where my lenses get a bit narrower), that you are not misanthropic but you tell yourself that to soothe and it is not soothing you so maybe find what else you are that will soothe the anger. Being misanthropic and working with animals has not become the anti-dote of anger – so something is missing.
Excessive anger is not exactly misanthropy, excessive hate might be more so.
So this brings me to my last comment. I feel, and I could be wrong and stuck in my lenses again, that you are opposite of misanthropic and you are fighting of loving and because your logic is saying focusing on love is harder, you are dismissing that might be what gives you the antidote to your anger and its sources.
Just as you can easily accept being a misanthropic in your mind (without fulfilling it in acting out), maybe try the opposite (without actively becoming kumbayaaayyaya with everyone) and see if this soothes some edges.
I also dealt with anger and mine so my response gives some context was that I had a lot of hate toward my mother – the source of my anger. I found it easier to say I am angry than hateful without alienating everybody in a earshot. I did though in therapy. I expressed my hate for my mother that has become global. I hated my g/fs. My coworkers, that cute girl in the subway…it was easier in my head but who knows I was probably spilling it out there too.
I accept my hateful side and weirdly enough, accepting and sharing it with people like my husband or even trusted friends, became the ultimate antidote.
I think in atraumatic environments, we become such perfect children to bounce on that we never learn how to be good and bad naturally. We just learned how to polarize them.
So I have become all bad inside but try to be good outside and eventually my energy gave away and I was like I cannot do this anymore. I just want to be the real of me – that bad but then I realized with the help of therapy, that good front I put out - that was also really me. It was not a made u mask it was also same.
Now I just need to integrate the two – or three – the good, bad and the ugly.
Everybody has it. Those without crippling trauma just do not have it so starkly disconnected. That is the only difference.
Either accept your anger and hate are against love inside of you or keep fighting.
