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Insert Swearish Rant Here

I loathe asking for help, I hate it even more when I get it though because now my mind is swirling with all the what ifs? What if they think less of me? What does it say about me that I can’t handle it? Of course my boss thinks I can handle it, what message did I just send? Now I feel enormous guilt. F*** everything!
 
I f***ing HATE insurance companies! Where do they get off telling me a medication that has worked for 9 years isn’t allowed! Shouldn’t the person with a medical degree be in charge of that?!?! Why cover a tablet but not a capsule which fyi is $4 more for 90 days, can’t they just charge me the extra $4.

Why do they get to outsource things and claim no responsibility?!?!

Why if they make a mistake am I the one paying for it?!?! They printed my card with the wrong number so all claims since September have to be resubmitted which also means that I get to call all providers and give them the new number and request that they do what they’ve already done.

Why do companies get to change insurance ALL THE TIME! So that just when one is mastered you get a new set of bast****!
 
There are very few things that make me feel violent. Having my father live with us is one.

That I cannot feel kinder I’d another.

I often wish he’d hurry up and die :(. It’s a terrible way to feel about a parent . He is the best way to feel intense sorrow for my mother .

( I know I didn’t sweat but the content of my rant is heinous enough to be ‘worse’ than sweating )
 
(Weemie screemie)

I want to peel my f*cking face off,

I WANT TO PEEL ALL MY f*ckING SKIN OFF AND SCRATCH IT OFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFFF​

Non stop, non stop, non stop, non stop. My face is RAW from itching and scratching and full of claw marks and cuts and I'm trying so hard to stop but it WON'T f*ckING STOP and I know it's in my head because when I was distracted earlier it didnt itch but now it just wont stop, jumping, crawling, featherlight, tickles, ITCHING!!! f*ck!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I wanna f*cking die!!!!!!!!!!!!! I'm a disgusting bog monster!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

I tried to transition to using water and a wash cloth but I triggered myself into a full blown f*cking flashback (how STUPID do you gotta be how f*cking STUPID am I, you

HOLE-BRAINED MOTHERf*ckER​

how STUPID can you get.) hyperventilating on the bathroom f*cking floor like a f*ckING freak.

AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAH!!!!!!!!!!!!​

 
I’m tired of being the scape goat, the punching bag, the projected upon from another’s subconscious just because I have the courage to embrace my own self. I refuse to make someone else feel small, and that welcomes people to make me feel that way. I’m having my inner child spoken to like “healthy” folks’ versions of their own inner children. I usually am happy to be a bridge between those in places they can’t speak up and to the higher ups, who I learned to communicate with for survival. I am one of the perceived weaker people and I no longer accept being spoken to like the wounded child of “the healthy”.
 
it isnt what happens that matters, its what happens next that is usually the main event. They f*cked up and it hurt me. A mistake, okay, whoops. So what happens next? Either something, that way you know what the attitude and level of concern if the offender is, or nothing and you are left with a range of possibilities from an uncaring mistake followed by a lack of enough care to apologize to the possibility it was intentional and what gappens next is up to you. Dont f*cking blink. What else can i do?
 

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