Intense Fear of Expressing Emotions

[Deleted member 93]

Wonderful insight on yourself! Now go in there with it intact. You keep up this attitude you can do it. I cannot wait for you to come back and vent how you letting go in therapy goes. And don't be shocked if you are sick for a couple days afterwards. If it does that it means you are doing therapy right and it will keep getting easier each time. Good luck.

 

[Lisa]

I know you are on a break, but as usual I can't resist putting my 2 scents in :wink:

So I've finally found someone who says the same as me "Do people really lose it in therapy?"! It's an alien concept to me also. But apparently it is considered inappopriate NOT to lose it in therapy! I relate a lot to what you say.

I have had to admit to my therapist those feelings you described, and the struggle and fear you also described. I had to because, as Anthony said some do, I went to therapy and didn't put any effort or hard work in and I wondered why nothing seemed to work. That was part the therapist in some cases, but even with the right therapist I wouldn't have made use of them the way I should have so it was all pointless. Now I've got a decent one, and I only have him for a year at most.

That motivates me to put myself through the things I don't want to be put through, in order to get better. I still haven't 'let go' in therapy... but what I learned from myself in my period of resistance was that I didn't trust this therapist as much as I first thought. So....bit by bit, I've been telling him secret after secret. And telling him that there's more, that I have things that he still doesn't know about. As he continues to not let me down, not disbelieving me or blaming me, or insisting I tell him everything, I am starting to wonder if maybe I can trust him... It is important to try to think about why you are at this struggle. Is it purely PTSD? Do you trust your therapist enough to let go? What are you frightened of? Being vulnerable? Knocking down all of those defences which have kept you alive for so long? Allowing yourself to feel? Is it just habit, and you need a good shove out of this defensive reaction you have?

My therapist often tells me that I seem dissociated and cut off too, by the way -as kers said - v. common.

But also when I am not, I am consciously resisting emotion also. I think once I can get to a point where i really feel I can trust him, I will be able to stop that and actually confront what I don't want to confront. But it has been an important step to tell him all of this, and to tell him how I feel, and how difficult I find talking let alone do any of that feeling crap stuff. Now he knows that I don't say half the amount I should, and that I always try to appear better than I am, he understands me better and knows better how to help me and what I need to do first to start getting better.

I think you should be honest with your therapist...explain the emotion and struggle you get, and the well intentions before to overcoem it but inability to seem to shift. Your therapist is not there to force the emotion out of you, it would not be possible and only places a game (very well known to myself) in therapy, where you dare the therapist to try harder, and you just resist harder. Or at least I found this a problem in the past.

Anyway, you seem to be trying really hard to think around this, which convinces me enough that you really are motivated to get better and change things. Good luck :) And if nothing else, talk to your therapist about what you have posted here.

Take care

Lisa.

 

[Deleted member 541]

Awakening,

Ok, so you are taking a break... You probably need it. I think the term is Post Overload. To many threads to read, to much info, to much exposure. Take your time...

One of the best things my therapist ever did for me was to show me how to go back and console my inner child. (I have been molested, and raped too) It is hard to do, very raw, and intense. He walked me through it a couple of times, and finally I got to the point that I could do it. It was a turning point in my therapy. It was the most empowering thing I had felt in a long long time. He had me start with one of my toughest flashbacks that I still have no answer to. I had to go back and take her away from there, move her to a safer place, and then just sit with her for awhile. Not touching, not talking. Just sitting. Finally we moved forward, and eventually I was holding her, giving comfort, and promised that I would always be there to protect her. I gave praise because she had gone through so much pain and suffering for me. When it was over, the emotion was overwhelming... Yes I cried, cried like a baby. I was afraid too, afraid that i would fail her again. I have, but I have always gone back to tell her that I am still learning, and have asked for patience.

It sounds silly, yes... But it was the most empowering experience of my therapy.

You will make it on your journey. You're right too, no BS here. Just the cold hard truth.

Hang in there.

Wendy

 

[Awakening]

Help, confused & losing focus

Came back to read this in preparation of my therapy appointment tomorrow.

My aim tomorrow is to express the feelings as they come up in therapy, not consciously block them or disassociate.

But I'm confused as to where to start or what to do and worried that I won't be able to do this.:wall:

I'm trying to catch my behaviour before it escalates to full scale tomorrow, and so far this is what I'm telling myself;

1. I've made it to another week (I see my therapist weekly) and really I'm okay

2. I get so happy to see my therapist :smile: who I really like, that the relief at seeing her lessens any bad feelings, and I don't tend to act until the bad feelings reach unbearable levels.

3. When I'm distracted with something i.e. a complicated work task, my feelings are at their lowest, so part of me thinks I simply need to develop a stronger mind set & stay distracted. Avoid being alone or having too much time to think.

4. About 2-3 months ago I discussed my attempted rape that occured over ten years ago. I discussed it in an emotional, detached way. Forgot some details (which I only know because I made a statement at the time that I can check against) and others refused to discuss. It didn't make me feel any better, it made me feel worse. Is talking about your trauma really the answer?

5. The feelings/emotions that came up last session with 'my child' in the 'empty chair' were related to acknowledging that she was the victim of CSA by my aunt's ex-husband. That's when I froze & refused to participate. However, I only 'remembered' this abuse for the first time when the attempted rape happened, and I dismissed it ever since. I still do not have many details or pictures or anything for me to discuss, so I have no idea what I'm going to say, so I can't prepare, so I don't have any control. God only knows what might come out & I don't want to shock myself and I don't want to tell fibs.:eek:

This is getting way too long. Hopefully someone might know what the hell I'm on about it & reply before my appointment tomorrow morning.:crazy-blu

I'm thinking maybe I should go in saying that I want to discuss my reaction to the last session and why I'm avoiding it???

Aaaaghhh my head hurts and I know I'm losing perspective.

 

[anthony]

Yes, you must talk about your trauma, because you need to find the answers specific too you. Can't find them unless you face your fear to begin with.

 

[Deleted member 541]

Awakening,

Just keep telling yourself that you can get through this. Consoling your inner child will help you so much. Just go in there and talk about how you feel at the moment, why you feel scared, why you are anxious, why you feel what you feel.

You can do this.

Wen

 

[Awakening]

Sorry, I must sound like a complete moron, but expressing and/or talking about feelings (particularly) negative doesn't come naturally for me at all (this was discouraged in my childhood, and I'm learning old habits die hard).

There is a saying "if you always do what you have always done, you always get what you've always got"

Whilst I've made progress in therapy, I know I'm stagnating. I've become frustrated & regretful when I leave a session for not being emotionally honest.

I'm going to stop over-thinking everything, and go with my feelings/emotions. Instead of always reacting with my head, I'm simply going to try coming from the heart. I've never really done that before, and so why not try it & see what happens.

When I feel the fear - that will be my red flag. When I feel fear I will stop and identify that I'm afraid, rather then slipping into dissociation or repressing it. That way we can explore why I'm having that reaction.

I think a good place to start is to discuss the exercise I did last week and how that made me feel, and see what happens.

Sorry - really I'm thinking out loud here, and you lot have helped me alot. Usually I'm a concise, well spoken, clear, logical person but on this issue my brain scrambles - not sure if that's a symptom of PTSD or just me!

Will repeat mantra "I can do this"

 

[anthony]

You hit it on the head, go from the heart. Yes, you will get sick, don't get upset over that, just accept that its part of being honest with yourself to talk and face all your trauma fear. Once its done, you only have to do it until such time as you have found reasoning that you understand uniquely to combat it, which is what here and therapy are for, to find the answers for you individually in order for your brain to understand what is, is not your fault, where guilt should, should not lay, etc etc. Once you understand what is your rightfully to be burdened, and what isn't, you can then move on with processing your rightful burdens accurately, coming to terms with them vs. trying to no doubt process emotions which rightfully do not belong to you, instead attackers, perpetrators, etc.

Your on the right track now I believe... so now prove to yourself you can do it, and do what must be done for you to get better. It really is short term pain for long term gain. If your ill for a few months during intense, honest trauma therapy, that is nothing for you to have such a huge relief for the remainder of your life when looking at that old trauma. Then you just have to learn how to manage the present with PTSD in toe, which takes a good couple of years off nothing more than sheer experience, trial and error, once again, for you individually. You must heal existing trauma though first, MUST.

 

[Damiea]

I noticed something.. you said you don't have to many details to discuss and are afraid of what you might say.. that it might be a fib. If you are just starting to remember stuff then are you more worried that what you start to remember is stuff you don't want to believe happend? I would almost think it is more important to just say whatever.. and think about what you say after. not worry about if what you are remebering or saying is exactly true or not while you are dealing with whatever comes up at the same time. You have so much to deal with.. don't add more by trying to control what you say to only things you know for the exact truth.
Just a thought!

 

[Awakening]

Update

Well guys, I have nothing earth shattering to report after my therapy session.

No big break down or break through. But I did what I said what I would do. Was aware of disassociating but said to my T stop, hang on I'm doing that thing, let's start this story again. My T was thrilled with this by the way, as I've never done that before.

However, I did start crying as I left my session to walk back to my office, then ended up in the toilets to fix myself up. But it was a weird third person crying. It was like 'what's this wet stuff on my cheeks', 'am I crying?' 'hey, I'm crying that's interesting'.

And right now even though I have done no work I plan on going to the pub for a drink, so I have that cavalier "whatever" feeling going on.

Another positive - my therapist said she noticed a different approach in me today. That I was talking much more about my feelings, and even said 'you seem to be coming more from your heart & less from your head'. So that's good right? Also, she observed that I'm too pre-occupied with how I should be in there, what the rules are for recovery, what I'm meant to be doing. That I'm looking for an external definition of who or how I should be rather then an internal one. Not sure exactly what she means.

So overall I think maybe small progress for me?

Still feel frustrated & crappy.

 

[kers]

Nice going, Awakening!

No big break down or break through.

Good therapy isn't generally dramatic like that. It's the quiet, small steps that make the big changes (they add up).

hang on I'm doing that thing, let's start this story again.

Awesome! I am still working hard on being able to catch myself and pull myself out of it. This is BIG, believe it or not--you stayed focused on exposing yourself to the trauma, not avoiding it by dissociating.

But it was a weird third person crying.

Bleh, I hate that weird "I'm not really me" feeling. But even so, it's good that you were feeling something, right?

she observed that I'm too pre-occupied with how I should be in ther

I think I know what you mean. I am always worried that I am doing counseling 'wrong,' that I'm doing something aberrant--I think it goes back to me feeling like I'm "different, abnormal," whatever, and assuming that I do stuff weird or wrong. What do you think it is for you?


You made big steps, even if it doesn't feel like it!!

 

[pandora]

Awakenings.it took me about 7 months of being here and 2 years of therapy to even start a diary of sorts to go through all the traumas I have experienced. No holding back, down to the details that haunt me the most and writing them out is like "removing them from our brains, where the negative thoughts and memories are stuck" i have found this writing things out more helpful than just talking as i can go back to what I wrote a kind of re-process things.
As far as talking to your therapist and freezing..........i used to do that to. Write it out and vow to give it to her during the session. I hope this little bit of advice helped. Take Care.