Intense Fear of Expressing Emotions

[Deleted member 541]

Awakening,

You did terrific......Awesome job!!!!! This is a huge breakthrough for you, because you are finally aware of what you have been doing that has prevented you from really exposing your feelings.

Finally you are bringing down the protective wall that you have had up. Great job!!!!!

No this was no small progress.... This was huge, because now it will get easier every time you go back.

Pandora is also right about writing things down. A lot of times it's easier to do this than talking about it. It's an ice breaker, your T can read it and then the both of you can talk about what you have written, and how you feel about it. I also recommend writing a letter to your abuser(s) and say all of the things that you have ever wanted to say, call them names, let out all of your anger on paper. When done, burn it, and tell yourself that your done being tormented by them.

Whatever works......

Keep up the good work,

Wendy

 

[Lisa]

well done!!!! What kers, pandora and she cat said! Wow... !

 

[cookie]

hey. it is so hard to be "comfortable" telling a stranger your deepest feelings and problems. that will come in time, as you begin to "trust" your therapist. the hardest thing is saying something outloud that you have thought about much, but once you hear yourself say it, it is a truth you cannot deny any more. but it is the beginning of your path to healing. i have and incredibly hard time talking, but my t. is very patient, and i often take things that express my feelings (poetry) and my trauma (my diary here) in written form, then it is easier to talk about. you will have to push yourself if you are to get better, and yes, it is very stressful to go, and you will likely have difficulty after therapy. mine spends the last few mins in chit-chat to help me relax. by the way, cognitive behavorial therapy is a great thing. it teaches you how to deal with some of the symptoms while you are waiting to deal with the trauma. happy trails!
cathy

 

[Monarch]

Hey, haven't been on in awhile, thought i would throw in my 2 cents. It took we damn near a year to open up about my rapes to my therapist. I felt like throwing up everytime I left his office because I was holding everything in so much. With me it was a problem of going into high anxiety and suicidal thoughts, cutting all that crap after I left so I had to be totally honest and tell him about all that. It meant that we devised a plan together to combat those "after- therapy feelings". So we will stop talking about anything difficult about 15-20 minutes before the session ends and talk about how I am feeling and go through those emotions or feelings and where they are coming from and why. It has really helped to switch gears from talking intense trauma of the past and coming back to the present with how I feel about it today.

Yes, we have to talk about our trauma to heal, it sucks rotten shit but we have to do it. It hurts like hell sometimes and it makes me physically sick but when my friends acknowledge that I talk different and I look better and stand taller I realize that it is working.

I have learned so much here, about paranoia anf flashbacks, crap that I didn't even realize was happening or I was doing until I came here and acknowledging it and working on it has been so good for me. You have to take it on though, you have to stare it all down and decide to live your life now. I had to kick those suicidal ideations that i carried around for years to the curb, that was so hard but once I made up my mind that I was going to live no matter what happened or how much it hurt I did it and they haven't been back. It is all about controlling your life.

Hope this helps.

Monica

 

[Awakening]

You have all been incredibly generous with your comments, and I have carefully read each & every post getting something from each one. So I hope I don't come across as too harsh, but this is me being honest.

Right now I am feeling incredibly pissed off, angry & frustrated. I really do not get therapy.

I have been in therapy for 15 months, and 6 months with another therapist on unrelated stuff. I'm not blaming my therapists, I don't think it's them. I just think therapy doesn't seem to work on me. Like some people can't drive a car, I can't make therapy work for me. Yet I like going.

After my last session I went straight to the pub, came home & drank a bottle of wine. So how is therapy helpful when it provokes this reaction? I drink the most after a session, then I recover doing well without any maladaptive coping mechanisms, having a session & straight back to the dark side again.

Am I missing some big point here? I'm not sure I'm buying into this 'you have to sicker to get better' line, not after 15 months. If I went to a doctor & each time walked away sicker, I think I know what I'd do.

I don't understand how I can try everything anyone has suggested & still I'm not getting the outcome I want.

The best way I can describe it is - I feel locked up and I don't know where the key is. I've looked so hard and so long & followed everyone's suggestions & still there is no key that unlocks this. I've even resorted to breaking down the door or breaking out, again nothing.

I am imagining that once unlocked, I will get this rush of relief and whilst I will still have symptoms to manage, it will feel significant.

I'm suddenly thinking this is never going to happen. It seems hopeless, and I'm fed up with myself. Maybe this is as good as gets & seeing as I'm holding down a job, have friends & a social life & a happy marriage - really I should count my blessings.

There are nightmares, anxiety, sadness, fear, dissatisfaction, sleeplessnes & lack of motivation - but maybe I just need to accept this & work within it.

I know this sounds negative & defeatist & hey 'try harder'. I'm telling you I am trying, I don't give up but I'm starting to question this whole process. And so I become angrier with myself because I do sound so negative.

What I really want is to go into a session and be able to scream & cry and have my therapist be comforting in a safe manner i.e. say soothing words, perhaps rub my back. That's what I want. I suppose I could go in & say 'hey this is what I would like' but I cannot guarantee the screaming or tears would even come. I don't think this would be the magic bullet but I think it would go along way to my healing. Now I'm wondering if this want is even justified? Maybe even if it did happen, it wouldn't change a thing.

And - when I do talk about these traumas I don't feel better, I feel worse? So logical me says trauma=hurt then hey presto don't talk about trauma. I must be thick because I really don't get how talking it through is going to rewire my brain.

 

[becvan]

After my last session I went straight to the pub, came home & drank a bottle of wine. So how is therapy helpful when it provokes this reaction? I drink the most after a session, then I recover doing well without any maladaptive coping mechanisms, having a session & straight back to the dark side again.

I am imagining that once unlocked, I will get this rush of relief and whilst I will still have symptoms to manage, it will feel significant.

I just want to address these two points.

So first off, for therapy provoking that reaction. It's a crock of shit. You are making a choice to drink and choice to hide behind these unhealthy coping methods. You CAN choose to use other methods to manage yourself after therapy. You will NOT make any progress in therapy as long as you are self-medicating with alcohol. These choice are, by no means, easy to make nor easy to stick with.

Second point: We can imagine all sorts of things, doesn't mean that we are right about it though. There is no magical moment. No big she-bang. It's a lot of hard work that pays off slowly. It requires patience and determination. Only you can decide if you are willing to put in what it takes for what you want.

Now, we call all try numerous things. Some things will work for one person and not the next. I know it's hard not to get discouraged; however, with making healthy choices and plowing through.. in time you will show improvement.

Wish I could offer you more than that.. but really it is up to you what you get out of therapy by how much you put in and apply in your daily life.

bec

 

[Awakening]

Thanks Bec, I really do appreciate your (and everyone elses) feedback.

I'm frustrated with myself. It seems everyone else can do it but I haven't figured it out yet. Although my therapist said with trauma there is no one solution it's an individual thing.

Has anyone else been stuck in this stage? Wanting to change, but somehow despite your best intentions something stops you? Is everyone saying I should just stick with it? It really does suck. This is crap.

The thing with the drinking - and I don't know if people believe me when I say this - but I'm not AWARE of the decision to drink all of the time.

My husband said to me this morning 'you drank a whole bottle of wine last night' and honestly I denied it because I didn't think I had. Eventually I believed him but I can't really remember how that happened or what I was thinking whilst I was doing it.

If I'm CONSCIOUS of the fact I want a drink then I do apply techniques to prevent that & usually successfully.

It's like sometimes my mind is not there, I'm on auto-pilot, and I mindlessly drink without being aware of what I'm doing. I'm not trying to make excuses, just get an understanding of how I can become more mindful & aware.

 

[Deleted member 541]

Awakening,

Bec was right.....The drinking is a choice. You are self medicating. Self medicating your feelings. How do you expect to get better, when you let out some of the feelings for an hour, and then rush off to suppress them with drinking. You are defeating the process of therapy yourself.

Part of the healing process is changing your life style. We use whatever coping mechanisms we can throughout our lives to deal (or not deal) with the trauma. 99% of the time that coping mechanism is NOT healthy. Examples are drinking, drugs, avoidance, unhealthy sexual encounters, suppressing sex, anger, rage, attempted suicide, and 100 other things that are not healthy.

The one thing that I learned was that I had to change me, my life, my way of dealing, my reaction, the way that I cope, basically I had to become a new me. It isn't easy, but it can be done.

Therapy isn't about going and talking to someone for an hour about how you feel about what was done to you, and then walk out, and forget it till next week.

I used to tell my T that I was drained from working to get better. It was exhausting work. It's all about change, and change is hard, it's scary, and it doesn't feel very good while your doing it, but it needs to be done.

I guess the bottom line is that healing is a choice too. You either choose to change, or not. I too had to quit drinking, and doing pot. Not easy but my life wasn't working for me anymore, so I had to change. The choice is yours, and with really hard work and determination you can do this. But in my opinion.....You need to quit drinking period. It only numbs us for awhile.

Wendy

 

[kers]

I'm frustrated with myself. It seems everyone else can do it but I haven't figured it out yet.

Everyone's here because they are trying to find ways to cope with trauma/PTSD. You're falling into self-defeating thoughts. Read the journals--we're all struggling to find ways to deal, just like you.

You were clear-eyed and proud about your efforts in therapy a few posts ago. What came up in this session that triggered this negative reaction?

I'm not AWARE of the decision to drink all of the time.

But you SO make the DECISION. The drinking doesn't 'do' you, you do it.

Recognizing that you are in control of all your coping mechansisms--including drinking and dissociation--is the first step in taking more control of them so they don't run your life.

Change is not instantaneous. I have been working on not using dissociation to cope for months and months and I haven't gotten very far. The key is to be working on changing the stuff that's unhealthy.

 

[Marlene]

Although my therapist said with trauma there is no one solution it's an individual thing.

Your therapist hit it right on the head. Since everyone's trauma is unique and individual, their recovery has to be as well.

It's tough when we live in a world of 'instant' so much. Marketing people use words in ads like 'instant', 'guaranteed', 'fast results', ect. You hear/read take this pill, drink this, read my book, enroll in my program...and everything will be wonderful. Hell, you type in 'PTSD' in a search engine and you'll get ads pop up for instant cures. Well if there's an instant cure, why should I have to go through all of the hard work and pain of doing it this way? It just doesn't work like that.

A woman named Patience H. C. Mason wrote the following words:

Recovery takes persistence and patience. "Progress not perfection" is a good motto. Recovery is not a smooth swift rise out of the depths of pain or numbness. It is a rough climb with many slips and lots of hanging on at new rough places in the climb.

Just realizing that there's no one, big, grand solution to PTSD and there's a lot of hard work involved is a really good step in the right direction. It's not easy, but it is worth it. And you're worth it as well.

Lisa

 

[Monarch]

Awakening,

I am not out of the woods by any means, shit comes up in therapy and it hurts, makes me sick and I relapse, but my relapses are much better then they used to be and I don't hurt near as long. It does become more manageable so you can live your life as a shell, drinking to numb the pain or you can look at your traumas and work hard on them and change your life. Don't take the easy way out because it will destroy your life, trust me I know, so do alot of other people here. Also, 15 months is therapy is great but it all depends how hard you are working, time means nothing alone. Someone can spend 10 years in therapy blaming other people or looking at the wrong thing and never move forward, you have to make that choice and don't think about time.

just my suggestions.

 

[Awakening]

Thank you everyone, you guys are the best. I've learnt so much in such a short time.

I'm conscious of this thread getting long now, and I've gone off on a different course to the original post. Typical of my cycle in a week I guess!!!

So - in summary;

I used to drink a bottle of wine a night 5 nights out of 7, so I've definitely improved from that. Mostly if I do drink it's 2 glasses, no more. Occassionally I do relapse, but over the 15 months I've managed this much better. I also can't tell you the last time I've SI'd and that use to be a factor. I hadn't really accounted for how far I have come.

I think - I'm in the last stage of denial, yet part of me seems to be still clinging to my old ways, my old defense mechanisms. It's like a bad reflex I've developed, and I have to perserve in over-riding it, and creating a new one.

You lot have given me the kick I need. I'm feeling more hopeful.

I've realised from your posts (and I will continue to re-read them), that I've had the wrong approach to therapy.

What I've been doing is suppressing the feelings between sessions, and then trying to unleash them for one hour, and then trying to stuff them back in again. All the time thinking eventually it will explode & it will all be over and the rest will be a walk in the park. All the time thinking my therapist would find the problem, pull it out of me, and fix it.

Now I understand this is a long, individual process with no shortcuts. Which is annoying, but the truth!!! I can do it.

I'm thinking, what I need to do is - identify what helps me deal with the emotions/feelings that come up without resorting to bad coping mechanisms. So I still 'stay with my feelings' (to quote my T) but not in an obsessive way or resorting to the alternative of trying not to feel at all.

I think I might make a list of things that help. I would try - meditation for example - it on it's own doesn't fix so I give up & try journalling, then that won't work, so I give up on that and so on. But actually meditation, journalling, exercise, reading, cooking, limiting stress etc all help a little.

There's a unique recipe for me, and only I know it. Only I can do it. And there's going to be tough times, and relapses and I just have to keep putting one foot in front of the other.

Thanks everyone, hope to see you round the community !!!!