Intense From The Very Beginning

[Deleted member 1860]

I've been on the forum for a few years now and I have noticed that a lot of the supporter posts say something along the lines of "it was incredibly intense from the very beginning; I've never experienced anything like this before".....or something like that. At least one of the replies says something along the lines of moving too fast and such as you need to take your time to get to know someone, etc.

Thinking back on my own relationships, that's how it always is for me. I've never been one to take my time to get to know someone.....OK, I said that wrong. What I mean is that I have never been one to take it slow. When I like someone, the chemistry is there pretty quickly and I don't hold back on the intensity front. Sometimes the relationships fizzle but its not because of issues with the intensity, rather the issues that arise would have come up eventually regardless of whether it was a "fast and furious" or a "slow and steady" kind of relationship. I won't make apologies for my relationship style, nor is it likely to change in the near future. (Just met someone new and yeah, its pretty fast and furious...) Its what I like, its how I like it, and even when things crash and burn, I can still say it was all worth it.

But back to my main question.....I notice that this type of relationship tends to be mentioned repeatedly in the supporter forums, so I'm wondering if other sufferers do the same. That is, those who enter into relationships (I know many with PTSD avoid relationships altogether, so I'm only really interested in hearing from those who get into relationships as in what is your style, slow and steady or fast and furious....or maybe something in between?)

I wouldn't think that this is necessarily PTSD related, but I question it because I noticed it brought up repeatedly by supporters.

The flip side of this is that I question if I really am that high on the intensity scale? I may bring it hard, but I do have my standards and when the red flags start to pop up, I have no problem saying enough is enough and getting out. The guys always seem to be a bit surprised when I end things as my intensity level is supposed to be indicative of my willingness to let the bad stuff slide. Uhm, no, it isn't. I don't have extremely high standards....don't abuse me, don't lie to me, don't lie to me, and most of all, don't lie to me. (Can you tell I end things usually because of the lying?) Then again, I have no idea if I really AM that intense as I can't see into anyone else's relationship. I just know that the last few guys I've seen have mentioned not feeling anything this intense in a long, long time. (Maybe I'm over analyzing, I don't know....)

So yeah, I'm wondering if anyone else is the same? I'm sort of doubting its a PTSD thing, and just a "Solara is intense" kind of thing. I've always been an intense sort of person, excited about the little things, very driven, etc, whereas my siblings are much more reserved and very un-intense. Heck, I was even BORN intense! LOL. (Just ask my dad, he'll tell you that my siblings and I are like night and day, and its been like that since birth.)

 

[Friday]

Good for you, Solara!

Yep.

I started to equivocate (my friends are so, so, slooooooooow in comparison), and I can be gun-shy as hell, not to mention completely oblivious in some regards (I don't flirt. I ask. I also don't "get" most forms of flirting. I'm direct. I respond to direct people. Subtle direct or overt direct. But if you're not direct, I will be clueless.), as well as go on hiatus, and, but, or, except...

But the short of it is yes. I need a high level of intensity in my life.

I'm an adrenaline junkie, and hypersensory, and hypervigilent, and, and, and... Which all adds up to comparatively, I often get called intense. But I fake mellow & nonchalant like a mofo.

 

[scout86]

Good question and I'm glad you asked it! I've been reading the same comments and wondering if it was really the pattern it appears to be and, if it is, what does it mean and where does it come from? I don't have a theory, yet. Seems like there are at least 2 aspects to this, though. You have people who have PTSD, what kind of relationships do they tend to get involved in and how do they proceed? You also have the "people who would be interested in getting involved with someone who has PTSD" side of things, what they are like and how they handle relationships?

I think I'd probably look at things differently, now that I've read all those "It was incredibly intense from the beginning......" posts. Anything that seemed to be in that category, now I'd probably slow down and try to analyze what was happening and why a little more.

Here's my own, personal experience. While I don't think I avoid relationships, for the most part relationships seem to avoid me. Maybe that's because I don't do "subtle" and there aren't enough people who do anything else, so I just miss opportunities. Maybe there's just something off putting about me that I'm not aware of. I've been told that I'm "too independent". How can you be too independent????? With one notable exception, the few people who were interested in pursuing a relationship had major issues of their own and weren't interested in a real relationship, they were interested in someone they could use. I might be a little slow to pick up on this sort of thing, but, once I DO pick up on it, it doesn't end well. Maybe they'd have said something like, "It was incredibly intense from the beginning....." I don't know. We never talked about anything like that. Maybe it WAS "incredibly intense" and moved fast. I have no idea, really, because I have nothing to compare it to. What's "normal" or "typical" anyway? (I'm serious. I couldn't give you an answer to that if my life depended on it!)

Again, from my own perspective, I'm beginning to see that it starts out being ok that people want me around just because they find me somehow useful, because that's kind of the way I grew up thinking. Those people probably have a pretty good radar when it comes to finding people who fit their needs. When I begin to suspect that's what's going, I then tend to respond by OVER reacting, because it's a kind of trigger and I assume that things are going south because they "always" go south and I'm reacting to the past as much as the present. Which, would make no sense at all from their point of view. It would be better if I slowed down and thought about stuff and checked people out more thoroughly first........

Anyway, I suspect there's a lot that goes into this and there are contributions from both sides. It would be kind of interesting to hear from supporters too, on how all this seems to them.

 

[LilBit]

I tend to think it is a ptsd trait. That is what my sufferer does with friendship, oversharing and intense. (One can reasonably infer she might do that with romantic relationships also.) I feel like I got overwhelmed by the whole family history and the trauma, thrown in the deep end of ptsd. Very personal, very intense, followed by pushing, pulling, then pushing away hard when abandonment/attachment issues hit the fan because I am NOT a fairweather or superficial friend. And because her life was in major transition and her whole set of cups overflowing. Her other friendships tend to be with people who are far more interested in themselves than in truly being part of HER family. Or making her a real part of their own family. Permanence and trust are too scary. "You will give up on me, everybody does." And it is all so incredibly painful, because I haven't, but for all intents and purposes, she did. I am shut out. I feel like I am being punished for being sincere, made to pay for caring.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

Good for you, Solara!

I started to equivocate (my friends are so, so, slooooooooow in comparison), and I can be gun-shy as hell, not to mention completely oblivious in some regards (I don't flirt. I ask. I also don't "get" most forms of flirting. I'm direct. I respond to direct people. Subtle direct or overt direct. But if you're not direct, I will be clueless.), as well as go on hiatus, and, but, or, except...

But the short of it is yes. I need a high level of intensity in my life.

I guess I don't understand the "slow" relationship? As in, go out on maybe one date a week at first and then build from there, or something like that. Nope, with me its 'meet the person, and all systems GO!' lol. That is, constant texting or messaging, talking all the time, etc.

I don't understand subtleties either. I have often described myself as "oblivious to the obvious". If a guy flirts with me, I simply think he's being nice. What's wrong with being nice? Aren't you supposed to be nice? lol. The only way I know he's hitting on me is if he asks me if I have a boyfriend and then remarks about how he can't believe I'm still single. I'm sure this must be quite comical to an outside observer! With this latest guy, he dropped all sorts of hints but of course, me being me, I didn't want to jump to any conclusions. At one point he said "you can tell that I like you, right?" I simply replied that I thought it might be a possibility but that I didn't want to read too much into the situation or jump to conclusions. If someone likes me, they pretty much have to SAY "I like you!" before I know its true. Otherwise, eh, maybe they're just being nice! Directness is essential, or else I am clueless, too.

Here's my own, personal experience. While I don't think I avoid relationships, for the most part relationships seem to avoid me. Maybe that's because I don't do "subtle" and there aren't enough people who do anything else, so I just miss opportunities. Maybe there's just something off putting about me that I'm not aware of. I've been told that I'm "too independent". How can you be too independent?????

I think that I must miss signals too, because I don't do "subtle". I mean I know that in some way, shape or form that guys are interested in me, but I don't tend to get asked out.

Not to turn this into a sexist thing, but when was the last time a guy was told that he was too independent for a relationship? It seems like this is something primarily said to independent females, no? I mean females are historically the sex that is supposed to depend on males (ie financially, for security, etc), so if a male sees a female who doesn't want or need to depend on him in some way, then perhaps this signals him to move on? You don't really see males getting slammed for not wanting to depend on females!

 

[scout86]

Not to turn this into a sexist thing, but when was the last time a guy was told that he was too independent for a relationship?

Yeah!

This is something I've tried hard to understand, and I just don't. I have to add, though, I apparently tend to get involved with guys who turn out to be sociopaths or narcissists, or both. (I'm sure there's some kind of reason for THAT that I need to figure out too.) So, it's possible that I'm getting that message because the guy is playing mind games. What typically happens is they start by saying they LIKE my independence and they LIKE a woman who can take care of herself. Then, at some point, they turn it around and say that I'm too independent and I don't make them feel needed. To which I reply, "But I actually WANT you in my life! Isn't it better that I want you, as a choice, than that I NEED you, as a dependent?"

I guess the answer to that is "No" but I don't get it. I asked my T once & he more or less said he thought the problem was with "them", not me, but he's kind of a different sort of person himself, so I'm not sure what to think about his answer.

 

[bell]

Okay, I do this, too. Although for decades it was because I wanted someone to either save me or heal me. No bueno.

Reading the book Attached helped me think about this objectively. I.e., that spark and craziness that takes hold of you may actually be unhealthy to a point AND lead you to just who you shouldn't be dating. And that the people you should be dating are the ones that are more secure in their attachment style and therefore, since they are secure, things seem, well, boring in comparison. Which leads us to think there's no "spark," so we move on to the next guy.

I think there's room for a sweet spot however, that's healthy, as you're super attracted, but not crazily attracted, and your anxiety-laden efforts are met with more of a calmness instead "OMG! You're the best thing that ever happened to me!!" which isn't sustainable for the long haul.

However, approach this book with some caution (well, be in a state where you're ready to hear some hard-hitting truths) as it shook everything for me. In fact, I was convinced I was one style of attachment, when in fact, I am the opposite. This was good to hear and tackle, but super hard to hear at the same time.

Sorry to turn this into a book review, but your post rang a lot of bells covered in this book.

 

[scout86]

Thanks @bell! Now I've got something to add to my reading list!

I really don't get this whole thing and it does kind of bother me. I WAS in one relationship, once, that I think might have been ok. (He died.) He was an unusual person, though. We got to know each other over a long period of time, at work. No pressure, no one looking for a relationship. He knew me, I think, better than anyone else ever has. And still, apparently, loved me, for some reason. He not only knew me, he was ok with me being me. Wanted me to be "better", but loved me like I was. It was a unique experience and I suppose not likely to be repeatable. Still, I'd like to be able to make sense out of the combination of "I think it's cool that you're so independent/ You don't make me feel needed."

 

[MorningDove]

Anyway, I suspect there's a lot that goes into this and there are contributions from both sides. It would be kind of interesting to hear from supporters too, on how all this seems to them.

I can tell you that when I met my sufferer friend, when he stood near me to talk, my mind would go completely blank and I would stop breathing. Very intense and I never experienced anything like it. It was blissful, zen-like, in-the-moment pause, like standing in the warm sun. I tend to be very empathic so it's nice to think he may feel the same. I too tend to hit all systems go in that I want to talk and text etc. all the time, though physically I tend to want/try to move slower even if the hormones are jumpin'. (too much bad sex history) I am a pursuer but am learning to slow down and give some breathing room in this relationship as now especially, the signals can be scrambled. Cuz I too, don't do subtle very well.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

Now I wonder if anyone really likes me or if they just love how intense I am, how I make them feel, how I'm different from all the other boring people in their lives. I feel like a freaking novelty. I'm always waiting for the boot but that never happens. I always am the one to end things and they are dumbfounded and heartbroken. Blah.

 

[Wastinglight]

Things started off very intense and moved very fast, with my guy. But it was too much and he started pulling back. Once we were both back on earth again, he said he thought we should take it really slooooooow from now on. It took me a while to realise that my idea of slow wasn't the same as his (he meant Turtle With A Broken Leg Slow), but now I think it was very sensible of him to insist on this. So far, so good, anyway...

 

[scout86]

@Solara, your intensity is part of who you are, isn't it? They can't like your intensity without at least liking part of you. Actually, I suppose "how you make them feel" is part of who you are too. Do they get the chance to get to know the REST of you, so they can really decide if they like the whole package? Or at least if the pluses out weigh the minuses? If they do, and they don't end the relationship, I'd guess that either they DO like you or they aren't brave enough to end the relationship themselves?

And, are you ending these relationships for actual good reasons?