Intentionally Triggering Myself?

[open eyes]

Every few months, I go through a phase where I bombard myself with triggers. I listen to music that reminds me of the incident, I look at photos from the summer it happened, I look at old Facebook posts, etc.

When I was 13, one summer I was sexually assaulted in a pool while swimming with people I thought were my friends. One of them held me underwater, I guess so I couldn't scream, & sexually assaulted me. I won't go into the details about what specifically was done to me but it was very violent, & I nearly drowned. No one else who was in the pool- people who were even feet away from me- did anything to stop it.

By anything, I mean, not a single one even asked me if I was alright.

I developed PTSD, which was only worsened by the fact that I had repressed memories of being sexually abused as a younger child as well. I also repressed the memory of this sexual assault, which came back to me about a year ago.

Why do I feel like I need to trigger myself, when I know it will hurt? Has anyone else ever done anything similar? Many PTSD victims have the symptom of avoidance, but I seem to have the exact opposite. I purposefully overload myself with memories. I'm just not sure what that purpose is.

 

[EvenStrongerNow]

I do the same thing and I do not know why.

I go back and forth from that to avoidance and back. Just wanted to let you know you aren't alone.

 

[ellienad]

First, @open eyes I'm so sorry to hear what you've been through. That sounds terrifying and definitely traumatizing to say the least. Especially after having to endure such a thing as a child.

I can definitely relate to "triggering yourself" and you are not alone. Like @EvenStrongerNow, I go back and fourth between avoidance and the other. I would say I think it's normal, but there really is no "normal" when it comes to ptsd. Each one of us is unique in our experiences and emotions, and everyone is going to handle things differently.

Speaking purely from personal experience, triggering yourself may be your brain's way of having control over the triggers and the memories they bring back. Because it's scary to be triggered anytime and anywhere without notice, intentionally listening to music and looking at photos that remind you of the event is putting you in control of when you're triggered and how.

Hang in there! :hug:

 

[franciemarnie]

Some part of you may be trying to discharge the trauma energies that were not released at the time so you can reboot your system and have relief from symptoms at last.

Whatever you do, try to be safe doing it.

 

[open eyes]

@franciemarnie I think you nailed it. Thank you!

 

[franciemarnie]

@open eyes - wouldn't it be great if there was a key back in to reboot? I think there is but it is different for everyone.

I spent years doing variations on what you did. The worst was when I was 30. I watched home movies I hadn't seen since I was 12. OMG! Six months of indescribable despair. Once I even went to Florida alone to a place where I felt I had left part of myself. However "irrational", it was an instinct I couldn't ignore. Without a diagnosis, I felt like a wounded animal with no way of healing. Just blindly seeking succor.

Now I finally am closing in. I have spontaneously discharged trauma energy thru somatic release. But the original wound - no. It seems to be under the right side of my right rib cage next to a dead area. I am hoping a new somatic therapist can help me.

Someday, it is my belief, there will be a road map for us all. But I fear the medical community won't have it down to a science for a long time. We have to be our own pioneers for now.

 

[fly away home]

I do this. I listen to my police interview tapes. I have done other things too, worse things.

For me it's about trying to remember what happened because I have lost so much. It does trigger me and I tend to search it out when I am low already.

It's also about pushing my limits. Punishing myself.

 

[Tinyflame]

There is something called "Trauma Re-enactment Syndrome". It was in a book I read about self harm.

 

[open eyes]

@franciemarnie I completely relate to your travel to Florida... I've often revisited the place where my assault, I guess sort of for soul searching purposes. Thank you so much for your posts- they've really helped me, especially knowing that other people had been through the same things I have.

 

[shimmerz]

@open eyes . Yes, I did this very often. I always know that I am triggered up when I OCD out on something - like play the same song again and again ad nauseum, listen to police tapes, look at pictures etc. I have learned there is always a lesson in it although I believe the replaying and replaying is my minds way of trying to get me to see something.

As an example, there is a song called Concrete Angel that I watched for days. I finally found it and when I did I cried and cried and cried , shook, trembled etc (the discharge that @franciemarnie spoke about). It was the look of terror on the little girl's face when her mother came in. I have never had to watch the video again. I can mention many more stories of how this has helped me. Mostly through songs. If I am drawn to something I find that I am ready for a little something 'more' in awareness.

I know it is time when the OCD behaviour clicks in and I know it is discharged when I have a somatic response to it like shaking, trembling, crying, etc. I know it is properly discharged when I no longer obsess about it.