Freddy_hiding_less
Bronze Member
After a long time away from practicing intimate relations I met someone who made me smile, wanted to be with me and by her prescence made me do things like cooking for someone with so much more ease pleasure and success . We live like half an hour apart and have been seing each other almost every week for almost 18 months now.
We spent some time often just laying in opposite ends of the sofa and talking sincerely about our lifes. And it took about 7 months before we got physical and sexual. And sex mostly happens in the mornings after having slept together. With eyes closed and with a lot of tenderness.
For me I get so relaxed and one thing is that I percieve my voice different. My friend can't hear any differens, but to me i'ts such a differense. I sounds a lot rounder somehow.
Before we had gone all the way I was more exploratory and it felt fun and natural.
Now my strong tendency is that I want to be close with my face to her face, and the feeling is that I wan't the really I detail now how she feels with whats going on. Maybe it's easier to be with her feelings than to be with my own.
If I leave her face I feel isolated and want to go back.
And the real catch is that going down on her or just to take a good look at her or previously at earlier girlfriends is connected with so much feelings of disgust, and probably shame it's goes all up to panic-levels and shutdown now to move or think in that direction.
This is a problem because in my imagination it could be very plesurable if not all these stop signs came up. And maybe I put extra pressure on when beliving that i might also open up for more life energy.
I don't know where to go from here, lately this is interfering with what good we have In my head, no negative reactions from her, and I have not formulated it like now even to myself before. It't absorbs me so at every pause now I get stalled, not keeping up with work as good as I wish.
I have not been here for a long time so my story in short,
is one of childhood loss and emotional neglect, My mother had an at that time fatal heart condition when she got pregnant. I remember her as blue and looking really worn out, her fingers were thick and stiff from lack of circulation and bandaged during nights she died when I was 10. Then I lived pretty remote from people alone with my depressed silent father for 3-4 years then with my reluctant brother and his wife after they took over the place, childhood faded away.
Socially I have survived in the “outskirts”, first being a good student, later dropping out of University getting income from being self employed doing a physically heavy animal connected service job for farmers. I'm now 57 years old.
We spent some time often just laying in opposite ends of the sofa and talking sincerely about our lifes. And it took about 7 months before we got physical and sexual. And sex mostly happens in the mornings after having slept together. With eyes closed and with a lot of tenderness.
For me I get so relaxed and one thing is that I percieve my voice different. My friend can't hear any differens, but to me i'ts such a differense. I sounds a lot rounder somehow.
Before we had gone all the way I was more exploratory and it felt fun and natural.
Now my strong tendency is that I want to be close with my face to her face, and the feeling is that I wan't the really I detail now how she feels with whats going on. Maybe it's easier to be with her feelings than to be with my own.
If I leave her face I feel isolated and want to go back.
And the real catch is that going down on her or just to take a good look at her or previously at earlier girlfriends is connected with so much feelings of disgust, and probably shame it's goes all up to panic-levels and shutdown now to move or think in that direction.
This is a problem because in my imagination it could be very plesurable if not all these stop signs came up. And maybe I put extra pressure on when beliving that i might also open up for more life energy.
I don't know where to go from here, lately this is interfering with what good we have In my head, no negative reactions from her, and I have not formulated it like now even to myself before. It't absorbs me so at every pause now I get stalled, not keeping up with work as good as I wish.
I have not been here for a long time so my story in short,
is one of childhood loss and emotional neglect, My mother had an at that time fatal heart condition when she got pregnant. I remember her as blue and looking really worn out, her fingers were thick and stiff from lack of circulation and bandaged during nights she died when I was 10. Then I lived pretty remote from people alone with my depressed silent father for 3-4 years then with my reluctant brother and his wife after they took over the place, childhood faded away.
Socially I have survived in the “outskirts”, first being a good student, later dropping out of University getting income from being self employed doing a physically heavy animal connected service job for farmers. I'm now 57 years old.
