New, weird symptom of hypervigilance?

[Daz90]

Hi everyone, I’m new here. I’m 36F with CPTSD, ADHD (diagnosed 2 years ago although it could well just be CPTSD) and anxiety with hypervigilance that shows up as catastrophising, rumination and OCD. I grew up with a mother that was abusive physically and emotionally. I dont have much memory of my childhood and teenage years though, apart from the abuse and lack of safety.

I feel like I used to be stronger and more grounded, but the older I get, the more affected I seem to be by the traumas from my past. Is this “normal” to feel this way? I thought it would get better over time, not worse..

After a recent (January), very difficult mother’s 3-week visit (I live abroad now and she visited me and my husband, which I initiated but it didn’t go well), combined with other intense stressors at that time, I had a big spike in anxiety and a new-ish OCD theme, that has been on and off tormenting/upsetting me since then, for over half a year now.

During my mother’s visit, there was a lot of conflict, especially with my husband, because he was saying (often unfair) bad things about her to me, and I felt the need to defend her, which he didn’t like. That period was emotional turmoil for me, it ruined me emotionally, it felt like a flashback of the feelings I had as a kid/teen with my abusive mother. I almost lost my marriage. I was feeling a lot of fear and helplessness.

A weird new symptom appeared, after my mothers visit - a feeling of hypervigilance/fear on my upper back/shoulders - it’s the feeling you’d get if someone jump-scared you from the back (the moment just before it) - It freaked me out because I never had it before. I always only felt anxiety in my chests, not on my back. I think I made it worse by analysing it, worrying about it, and googling about it - basically it scared me and I was questioning “what does it mean?” “What is wrong with me?”. I am now also uncomfortable with sitting with my back towards a door, window, and uncomfortable with big open spaces where there are no people around. It feels like an unreasonable fear that there’s a tiny chance that someone might unexpectedly attack you from the back - although I know full well that none is going to.

Is it normal for a symptom (I presume of CTPSD) to appear many years after the traumatic childhood/teens? This new symptom latched onto my OCD really badly, and is making the OCD and anxiety worse, so I’m trying to find ways to accept it and not be afraid of it. When I have periods of forgetting about it, or accepting it, my life is so much better and more peaceful.

Thank you for reading and your thoughts on the subject.

 

[parrotthepolly]

I also have OCD behaviours but luckily I notice that mostly with my eating disorder so I can use food as a form of control and let life not bother me as much without letting mental compulsions bother me, although some things I always end up taking to heart and Idk why, even I know they're not supposed to be that big of a deal.

There was a time I thought it would go away and I might end up having a somewhat normal life once... over a decade ago but now I've accepted I will not stand a chance getting better without help and that is something I will personally never do. Just realised now it's one of those compulsions that doesn't make sense haha. The brain thinks it's protecting something but the only thing being blocked is a chance at living instead of trying to survive every waking hour.

Most people with an upward of moderate symptoms find it difficult to get through everyday without support in case no one's noticed. Even getting to talk and not be alone helps a great deal.

Symptoms appears years ago even if there's nothing initially after trauma is very common cause the memories are in your nervous system and it can appear as suddenly as the memories in your brain.
Symptoms can also change. I didn't remember dissociation much during actual "traumatic" experiences but I do everyday years later when I realised how damaging they actually were.