Introducing Myself... Again

[his_swallow]

Hello everyone my name is Swallow. I have recently been diagnosed with PTSD because of an 8 year abusive marriage. The first year following my freedom, I was on that lovely high of feeling like oh, I survived and I am free and go me. The second year came upon me however, and then the third and I am finding it more and more difficult to cope as the reality of what he did to me and my oldest daughter sinks in.

The abuser hurt me in every possible way: control, emotionally, sexually, physically, legally, through my children... you name it he did it. There is not one thing that I can think of that he did not systematically attempt ruin my life. Normally, I am an upbeat, positive survivor but I guess that for now, he has indeed broken me the way that he set out to do.

I have been struggling with PTSD symptoms for 2 years now. I am in therapy with a fantastic woman with over 40 years of experience in dealing with this type of thing. My therapy is only beginning to delve into the past and into my PTSD however. In addition, I was molested, raped by an acquaintance, and had an abusive relationship in my early teen years.

My PTSD is destroying my relationship with the one man that I have learned to love properly who doesn't abuse me or belittle me in anyway. I am determined to heal over this, no matter what it takes but dang, the road to recovery is a scary one and I fear that I may lose the one man that I have ever loved in the process.

 

[tryintobreathe]

Hi Swallow and welcome to the forum! You have come such a long way and are a very strong person. Good luck on your healing journey. You've found a great support system here to help you along the way.

Jen

 

[Mercy]

Dear his swaliow,
Thanks for sharing parts of your journey.

 

[Hemels]

Welcome to the forum His_swallow, :hello:

First of all I would just like to say - You are not alone. I too was in an abusive relationship of 8 years, where he tormented me day and night, physically, mentally and sexually, he tried to stab me once and once strangled me till I fainted and passed out, he beat my eldest daughter black and blue infront of me just to insight that little more pain to me. Where even after I ran away from him he tried to track me down by telling the police I was missing and when I got the police on my side he tried legally to retrieve my children from me. This last year (2009) has to be the first year I haven't seen or heard anything from him. Which is only a matter of time before I bump into him because he only lives round the corner. The downfall of my story is that the **** gets away with it all due to me being diagnosed with C-PTSD and BPD. I am too unwell to stand up in the court and with me being the main witness, the case falls apart without me.

Men like that don't deserve to walk with the living, I have only learnt that since I got all the backing of my friends back after I explained one by one what had happened and why I hadn't spoke to them for a long time. Each and every one of them was supportive and helped me come to terms. Sorry I am waffling on with myself here....

I also like you ended up with a man I've always cared for, always loved. If the love is true - He will stand by you no matter what, even if your PTSD causes you to have outbursts, If you mean that much to him (Which I am sure you do) He will stand by you.

You have taken the right steps to help you get better, I hope you find the love and care I have found here in the board.

All the best (hugs if wanted :Hug_emoticon:)

Hemmy xXx

 

[anni]

Hi Swallow,

Welcome and I know you'll find an awful lot of support and information here. It's safe, too, which is why I can 'be' here.

I was married to the 'same' man. Mine followed with becoming a stalker for years also. The big difference though, is that you are able to talk about your experience well and I still can't 20 years later. You sound strong, even if you don't feel that way at the moment.

Take care, and hope you stay and find some peace, knowledge and healing here!

Anni

 

[JohnnyM53]

Hi Swallow,

Welcome to the Forum, a safe place to share our painful, traumatic experiences while we recover and heal.

Yes, the road to recovery is not an easy one sometimes. And I do understand your fear of losing someone who dearly loves you, and you love too.

But he is obviously aware of the painful life you had and how it affected and continues to affect you, and yet is still here for you. So obviously he must be able to see past whatever way your current behavior is affected by PTSD symptoms, and see the beauty that lives inside you in spite of all the pain.

And so I will leave you with the lyrics from the song Wildflower by Skylark (it's on youtube):

She's faced the hardest times you could imagine,
And many times her eyes fought back the tears.
And when her youthful world was about to fall in
Each time her slender shoulders bore the weight of all her fears,
and her sorrow no one hears, still rings in midnight silence,
in her ears...

Let her cry, for she's a Lady
Let her dream, for she's a Child
Let the rain fall down upon her
She's a free and gentle flower, growing wild.

And if by chance, I should hold her,
Let me hold her for a time;
But if allowed just one posession,
I would pick her from the garden, to be mine.

Be careful how you touch her, for she will waken;
and sleep's the only freedom that she knows.
And when you walk into her eyes, you won't believe;
The way she's always payin' for a debt she never owed,
and the silent wind still blows, that only she can hear,
And so, she goes.

Let her cry, for she's a Lady
Let her dream, for she's a Child
Let the rain fall down upon her
She's a free and gentle flower, growing wild.

 

[Perspective11]

Hi and welcome :) Realizing things years later is a difficult thing to go through. I had the same "I'm free" feeling for the first year, only for everything to really sink in later. I haven't been a member on here for very long, but the amount of help, support, and information has been tremendous...