Invalidation: The Root Of All Evil?

[bankhead]

These are amazing points, and a very interesting post. I have thought about this very often, as I am the only one of my two (younger) siblings to have developed PTSD. All three of us grew up in the same alcoholic household with a narcissist father.

I have been told that I have PTSD because I'm too sensitive, too intelligent, that I think too much, that I expect too much from people. My therapist has said that no one really knows why some people develop PTSD while others do not. Some soldiers--for example, my wife's grandfather who fought for the Soviet army during WWII--never develop a single symptom.

Stir Ling - I am the youngest of three and the only one who has PTSD. But my two siblings are in denial. While I did get the worst of it they got it bad as well. Our father was also narcissistic and that in and of itself took a toll. One that I would not even begin to understand until I became an adult - searching for understudying about why my life was not working. Unfortunately my siblings and my mother will not discuss our experiences while living as a family. That is so painful for me. I think we could make so much progress is we would work together , but that won't happen.

 

[bankhead]

I apologize for writing so many posts all in a row but I am touched in a way I cannot describe. I am reading things written by so many others who are writing about their lives with words that so fully describe my own. I cannot get over the joy I feel. It is as though I have found a home - a true connection.

I am so thankful to you all. Really words cannot convey the gratitude that I feel to you for what you have shared.

 

[heidi]

Yes, really thanks for bringing this up. It was helpful to me to know I'm not the only one who had this experience.

 

[Helliepig]

I am reading things written by so many others who are writing about their lives with words that so fully describe my own. I cannot get over the joy I feel. It is as though I have found a home - a true connection.

I am so thankful to you all. Really words cannot convey the gratitude that I feel to you for what you have shared.

I know that feeling- when it suddenly dawns on you that your personal struggles and hellish bits and shameful bits and complicated bits, the bits that you dread and fear and hide, are shared by others, and, even more excitingly, that they MEAN something. They are part of you begging to be heard, to heal, not evidence, as I thought, that I was weird, strange, abnormal and not good enough.

As to why certain members of families develop PTSD, my experience is that the whole family structure is dysfunctional, but different members are given different roles and places - often the most sensitive and aware child is the one that picks up all the dynamics that the rest are passing on like a hot potato, and often becomes the scapegoat. It is the human equvalent of being a fuse - the system is overloaded but the most sensitive part is the fuse and it gives in first.

Often those who are scapegoated are fair and loving people who are unlikely to fight back in a toxic way, so, as with bullying, they inadvertantly cop for it.

If you pass your sh*t onto other people, and they co-operatively take it on board and blame themselves, then you don't have to develop symptoms. Often it's the youger, lost members of the family who are damned before they're even born.....

 

[bankhead]

Helliepig - you are so right and you have such a gift with words. It is such an incredible feeling to have found this place and this thread. I have long known that I was scapegoated and even that simple fact took me many years to understand as I earnestly believed for many years that I was to blame and I was at fault - not for anything in particular but just for being or not being "good enough." Little did I know that the target (of being good enough) was something that continually moved because I was being sabotaged by a father and a mother who did not want me to succeed. It is still painful to write that but that is not my biggest issue at this time. Nonethe less I expect this will be a very therapeutic experience in reading others postings that resonate so strongly with me. It makes it so much easier to fully incorporate the concept that it is NOT me but a reaction to repeated trauma.

 

[ms spock]

but it really does effect you when you need them,

Right now I am finding that difficult feeling so disconnected from people on and off.

 

[ms spock]

ry way, we are missing the chance to become real with ourselves and stop this damn invalidation NOW!

Nothing will feel ok "out there" until it is ok in there- we have to accept our own dark corners.

My ptsd is quite bad at the moment and I have been pondering what you type here.

 

[ms spock]

I think our negative self feelings actually try to create a smokescreen to protect ourselves - better to think you are useless than to EVER have to feel the utter terror and loneliness underneath. (It's so bad to face your worthlessness that you are not generally in real danger of stumbling across the real trauma underneath and therefore a very effective defence mechanism to protect yourself from your dreadfully hurt parts.......sneaky)

The little part of you inderneath all that, that is so dreadfully hurt. is part of you too - he/she has been banished behind the thick walls of defences and is so very lost.......

This is so hard. I really did despair today whether I would ever get there.

 

[soulofLC]

(((Spocky)))

 

[bankhead]

Is one of the reasons we (people with family- based PTSD) don't find validating friendships because, somehow, abuse has conditioned us to want a kind of contact that "normal" people don't engage in? Just thinking about this because of what a couple people said about friends turning away. Am I driving people away because I'm wanting to go deeper than they are comfortable with. Or wanting to go too deep too soon?

We get on here and we talk about really deep issues. There's a lot of thoughtful discussion about how our hearts and souls work. I don't think most people talk about these things at cocktail parties. They talk about beer and dates, sports and cars and clothes and who is talking about who behind whose back. Sometimes they also talk about movies, music and what they're doing at work. But, really, mostly it's kind of shallow. And I feel left out of that. I don't spend a lot of time thinking about that kind of stuff. I can't really relate to most of it.

This post really touches me. It touches on issues that have been such a lifelong struggle for me. When I was young I had plenty of friends but as things in my life began falling apart in my mid to late 20s the people who were my "friends" began falling away.

What a new concept that "normal" people don't want to go deeper in to conversation. I certainly experienced this but could not understand what the disconnect was. Here you have written it so clearly. I see it and get it. I've always wondered why I was interested in things with more depth and rued the frustration that most are caught into the shallow but I never would have made the connection about people who have experienced family based PTSD. That makes so much sense. It helps me understand how I became ostracized.

I am not good with chitchat but I think I might be able to develop that ability as a means of connecting with others. thank you for putting down these ideas in such a clear way.


< Edited by KP the Nut, no need to quote full post. >

 

[soulofLC]

As to why certain members of families develop PTSD, my experience is that the whole family structure is dysfunctional, but different members are given different roles and places - often the most sensitive and aware child is the one that picks up all the dynamics that the rest are passing on like a hot potato, and often becomes the scapegoat. It is the human equvalent of being a fuse - the system is overloaded but the most sensitive part is the fuse and it gives in first.

Often those who are scapegoated are fair and loving people who are unlikely to fight back in a toxic way, so, as with bullying, they inadvertantly cop for it.

Wow, you describe my family and my place in it to a tee.

Thank you Hellipig for putting this into words. It it so clear, my ears are ringing!!

 

[Helliepig]

Hey Ms Spock, I know too well that place you are in today. It's a damn hard journey full of despairing days but that doesn't mean you won't get there. Big hugs ((( ))))