Invalidation

[ILoveLife]

Invalidation from others regarding my trauma has made me believe I'm not traumatized.

Every day in my head I keep repeating that it wasn't that bad, that I'm actually doing pretty well, that what happened to me was my responsibility also, because I allowed it; that I'm a fraud exhagerating in therapy because I actually wanted to be close to my father, and to the two guys who sexually abused me. That I even had relationships with them because I liked being abused, hence deserving of the abuse. They consistently told me that I wanted to be there, that I didn't leave because I didn't want to, that I liked it and I believed them.
It's a recurrent thought in my head that because I'm crazy and explosive I asked for the physical abuse by provoking it.
That I was a bad daughter, a junkie, and deserving of my mother's neglect and punishments.

All of this responsibility on my shoulders gives me suicidal ideation, because I start thinking that therapy won't do anything, that I'm just defective and everything will always be the same. That I'm not strong enough, that I'm just here surviving each day carrying my body around detached from my self.

I'm writing this down because I'm having a clarity moment. I didn't ask for any of it, I didn't deserve or want any of it, it wasn't my fault. So maybe next time a thought of those above passes through my head I can remember I wrote this.

I'm sure I'm not the only one with these feelings and ideas going through their heads.

 

[Cannottakethis]

There are times when I have those feelings as well. Maybe it wasn't that bad... maybe I asked for it. Maybe I should have fought harder to get away...maybe I should have left his a$$ sooner... it's a horrible mind game I play with myself, and other people have played with me too. I've had people invalidate me constantly. As if, they think that being molested wasnt really that bad because it wasn't penetration, or maybe the person that raped me, didn't really because I was old enough to say no...but then when I tell the professionals; the therapists, the psychiatrists, the people that SPECIALIZE in ptsd, the validation that I get brings me back to the facts that I was indeed abused/traumatized in so many ways, and all of the invalidation from family, friends and myself is very unhelpful.

@Sietz, you didn't ask for or deserve anything that happened to you. It wasn't your fault.

 

[ILoveLife]

Thank you @Cannottakethis and I'm sorry people invalidated you too. :hug:

The first sexual abuse that I remember, I have vague memories of it. It started coming back to me after starting to deal with therapy. But at first people had to tell me flat out "That was sexual abuse!" because I couldn't see it.

 

[shimmerz]

I actually wanted to be close to my father,

That's hardwired into us. Of course you wanted to be close to your parent.

relationships with them because I liked being abused,

This sounds more like having been groomed to me.

hence deserving of the abuse.

Nobody deserves abuse. Absolutely nobody.

They consistently told me that I wanted to be there,

Grooming/Gaslighting.

that I didn't leave because I didn't want to,

Most likely you didn't leave because you were trained that the punishment for resisting was worse than the abuse.

I'm crazy and explosive I asked for the physical abuse by provoking it.

Provoking it? Sexual abuse? Not possible to provoke sexual abuse. Period.

because I start thinking that therapy won't do anything,

This is actually, from my past experience, what a good therapist does. They unwind the brainwashing that abusers place onto us. Help us to see that what was done to us was not our fault/responsibility. It is a hard process though. There can be a certain comfort in believing that the abuse was in our control. Had we fought harder/been a better person that we could have stopped it.

I didn't ask for any of it, I didn't deserve or want any of it, it wasn't my fault.

Love those moments of clarity! Keep at it! I hope you are able to find the peace that you deserve.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

You did not deserve the abuse, none of it. It is so hard to go through this thing you are alone and on your own and I think that is why you are here now. I hope that you get a lot of support and validation now that you are here. I am going back into therapy to untangle all of the lies forced on me through my abusive parents growing up. I am glad that you are seeking help for you because you are worth it and worth fighting for.:hug:

 

[ILoveLife]

Thanks @shimmerz that was eye opening... Hard to digest too. Can see a lot of it on my relationship with my mother too. She's different now, after years of therapy herself to deal own abusive childhood (one of those situations yeah)... I will save your answer and think more about it. Thank you again.

And thank you too Rain. :) I'm glad you're going back to therapy, hope you find a good one and don't be afraid to kick a bad one out :) :hug:

 

[Deleted member 12723]

I have a very good therapist that I am returning to so no worries but thanks anyway. Just keep on taking good care of you.

 

[Deleted member 40995]

Hello :) I'm sorry you've been feeling this way :( I used to feel the same way, still do sometimes, but I want to assure you that what happened was not your fault. What happened to you was very wrong and very much not your fault. Abusers are very good at manipulating their victims into thinking that the abuse is their fault; it is so wrong, but the victim often ends up being the one feeling shame and guilt even though none of it was their fault. Its a lot to take in, but overtime you'll start to see that all the guilt and shame belongs to those that hurt you like that, I'm so sorry you had that happen :( No one is asking for abuse, its a horrible lie that is told to victims after they are hurt by someone, it is never your fault. :hug:

 

[ILoveLife]

Thank you @Rosie11 :hug:

 

[user44032]

Invalidation from others regarding my trauma has made me believe I'm not traumatized.

Every day in my h...

I've been there and done that too. Bought into almost all of it too. I personally believe in a higher power, and for me it's God. And what helps me is that I remind myself that He knows what all has happened to me and everything that I've been through and survived. That's all that matters. Opinions are everywhere and they often times are politically motivated. I've spent years beating myself up, feeling like I'm a piece of trash etc. My family (not immediate ) has not a clue of what life is/has been like for me.

"The worst thing you can do to a person with an invisible illness is make them prove how sick they are"


Love,
The tortured-one

 

[ILoveLife]

Thank you @torturedsoul4 :) Love back

 

[The Albatross]

The thread title says invalidation from others but that is not what your post describes. It says, "Every day in my head I keep repeating that it wasn't that bad, that I'm actually doing pretty well, that what happened to me was my responsibility also, because I allowed it; that I'm a fraud exhagerating in therapy because I actually wanted to be close to my father, and to the two guys who sexually abused me." And later on, "It's a recurrent thought in my head that because I'm crazy and explosive I asked for the physical abuse by provoking it. That I was a bad daughter, a junkie, and deserving of my mother's neglect and punishments."


That's not invalidation from others, that's denial.

Maybe you mean self validation? Either way... there is no comparing traumas in PTSD. How it affects you matters and if you're having difficulties like suicidal ideation yeah it is important to address and you need to get out of your own way to heal.