Is Forgiveness Really Necessary?

[Umugu]

The hard thing about this is that if I do forgive, it means I accept and as strange as it may be, if I have something to blame... I can sort of pretend that it didn't happen or that it happened because I wanted it to or deserved it.

My first reaction on this ... you say this lets you "sort of pretend" that .. "it didn't happen" ... or "I wanted it to" ... or "I deserved it" ....

ALL of these are UNTRUE .. AND .. I would say then: Willfully choosing to live in UNtruth is intrinsically unhealthy ..

So IF "forgiveness" is the MEANS by which we accept what is true AS true, and allow ourselves to address that "truth" to find healing (however hard it might be to get there) .. That's the healthful option.

I suppose that only begs the question - Is "forgiveness" (depending on how it's defined, I realize) THE means .. in other words: Are there perhaps any OTHER "means" by which addressing the truth to find healing could still be accomplished?

*thinking out loud*

 

[Acur]

No.
Why should I forgive? They haven't ask me for forgiveness. Neither recognize on public their sin. They haven't given me the chance to think if I want to forgive them or not. They haven't even tried to acknowledge the harm they have done to me, neither to pay me back all the money being stolen. Neither to repair ( I don't know how this could be) all the years stolen, the harm done to my mind and my whole being.
Ehem. As you see, I have not one reason to ... forgive??

 

[Opud]

They haven't ask me for forgiveness. Neither recognize on public their sin. They haven't given me the chance to think if I want to forgive them or not. They haven't even tried to acknowledge the harm they have done to me, neither to pay me back all the money being stolen. Neither to repair ( I don't know how this could be) all the years stolen, the harm done to my mind and my whole being.

This is "ripped right out of the headlines" of my own story, too. :(

But I DO "forgive" them - To me, that means I leave it to God to bring about "justice" - or put another way - I don't count the "debt" my family owes me as something I can ever collect on, myself .. (This is NOT the same as "reconciliation" - right now, there can be no "reconciliation" because there is NO repentance, NO trust, no ATTEMPT to even re-build trust - they still blame ME because they think I'm the unforgiving one (HA!) etc.) ..

But I do this to be free in MYSELF, because I do not want to be/become BITTER :( .. because bitterness makes ME ugly, and allows the consequences of THEIR "unjust" actions to still have effect in my world. And to whatever degree I may have control over, I want to be RID of as much/many of those consequences as possible ...

I don't forgive for THEM, I forgive for ME .. but this doesn't mean they get a free pass. And they CERTAINLY don't get access to ME anymore. :(

 

[Mumabi]

No.

No what? Was that a "no" to this question:

I suppose that only begs the question - Is "forgiveness" (depending on how it's defined, I realize) THE means .. in other words: Are there perhaps any OTHER "means" by which addressing the truth to find healing could still be accomplished?

Cuz I think there COULD be "other means" perhaps? Though I'd be interested in other responses as to what those "other means" might be?

 

[Elon]

No what? Was that a "no" to this question:



Cuz I think there COULD be "other means" perhaps? Though I'd be interes...

It was my reply to the title of this thread:
Is forgiveness really necessary?
My answer: No

 

[Avu]

This is "ripped right out of the headlines" of my own story, too. :(

But I DO "forgive" them - To me, that means I leav...

I do not hate them. No bitterness in my caracter remains. I don't know when I came into terms with this...I have enough on my plate with the PTSD they left for me. I don't believe in any god neither.
I don't forgive them and it is ok as it is for me

 

[Efivef]

What does "move on" mean? Not stay stuck?

You have to sit with something to figure at least some of it out. You cannot move on artificially.

When people say to "move on" they mean, I don't like the idea of you being stuck with this negative stuff. This negates the trauma and the fact that it leaves a legacy.

It is essentially invalidating. If people could move on, just like that, when they want to, then they wouldn't need therapy, meds, or support. They wouldn't have PTSD. In that case, the advice is worthless and harmful because it demonstrates a combination of a lack of empathy as well as ignorance about PTSD.

 

[Upo]

I do not hate them. No bitterness in my caracter remains. I don't know when I came into terms with this...

Looking back, can you tell if you did anything (I mean proactively, like from within yourself?) that helped you "come to terms"?

I can only bring myself to think of this in terms of "forgiveness" - but even if I DO "forgive" in my own way, what else could I do? What other steps ARE there, so I can .. you know, like "take ownership" of my own self so I DON'T live in bitterness?

What are good strategies for this? Like .. as an action step, intentionality? What can I DO beyond just trying to tell myself to "let go"?

 

[Uwaro]

In the end, we have to forgive everything. It is what truly allows us to let go of the anger

Nope.

I have absolutely no anger or resentment surrounding some of my traumas. I also don't forgive the people involved. It might make them feel better to think I'm roiling in hatred, rage, & other terrible things just because I don't forgive them... But that couldn't be further from the truth. Just like the opposite of love isn't hate, but indifference? That's their guilt, their responsibility, their wrong doing. I do not forgive them for what they've done. Some things are unforgivable in my book. I also couldn't care less. Their f*cked up personages ain't my problem. They have no space in my head or my heart. They are nothing to me. Really. Just because they have no power over me? Doesn't mean I forgive them.

While forgiveness might be one path to dealing with anger? One way to let go? It's not the only one, by a long shot.

 

[Inac]

Looking back, can you tell if you did anything (I mean proactively, like from within yourself?) that helped you "come to t...

Indifference. This is also my word. I can't careless about what happens to them. They hurt me intentionally and any court will say it their fault, they are guilty.
Also I haven't the «religious need» to forgive. It doesn't make any sense for me.
So, more than steps taken it has been the simple realization that it is their fault and responsability, and I haven't anything to do with that. That wrong behaviour is theirs, not mine.

 

[Ejabir]

What are good strategies for this? Like .. as an action step, intentionality? What can I DO beyond just trying to tell myself to "let go"?

For myself, it isn't so much about forgiveness than it is about letting go of the attachment to the events. The events hold no power over me anymore. So really, forgiveness doesn't enter into my vocabulary.

 

[Uwaro]

What are good strategies for this? Like .. as an action step, intentionality? What can I DO beyond just trying to tell myself to "let go"?

Trauma Processing.

Which is a giant umbrella term for a whole helluva lot of techniques, methods, therapies, etc. For example EMDR and TF-CBT and Exposure Therapy / Somatic Experiencing; as well as adjunct methodologies like Equine Therapy, Massage, Acting Classes, Martial Arts, etc; and preparatory methodologies like DBT, to allow trauma processing to happen by first learning emotional monitoring and regulation: are all (individually or in sync) part(s) of "processing trauma".

If saying "let go" or "forgive" actually worked with trauma? We wouldn't have PTSD.