Relationship Is He Pushing Me Away to Protect Me?

[pstdwife]

I am so confused. My husband and I were so in love and now he's just leaving me. Yes life has gotten hectic and busy for us both between his business school, work and our new home. Instead of sitting down and discussing his unhappiness with me he has withdrawn over the last 2 1/2 months. And two weeks ago he sat me down and told me the root of all his unhappiness was me and our marriage. He said incredibly hurtful things like marrying me was the biggest mistake of his life. He should have never proposed and only did so because I was there for him after he had a near-death experience - pulmonary embolism. He said our wedding day had no meaning, that I put others before him and that I don't need him enough.

He says he not in love with me anymore. This was a man who was soo deeply in love with me. He said that he has met someone online and is soo deeply in love with her but that he has never met her in person. She is suffering from cancer and gives him purpose in life. They've been communicating for 8 weeks. He says things like I would not be a good mother and he could never see having a family with me. These things he says are lies. 3 months ago we bought this beautiful house and he spoke of staying her for 10 years and having 3 kids. We had picked out names for our children even. I just can not accept his lies.

He's using final, final things to make it impossible for us to "work" on the marriage. This is the 1st I'm hearing of these "problems" in our marriage and instead of working on it through therapy he says he's completely unavailable to do any work on anything with me.

But he also says things like he can't be married and is incapable of it. He asks me to remember who he is. He tells me he has to go on a Journey and has to go alone. He said if it were only marital problems he'd have no problem working on just that. He said it's him and he needs to be alone and go on his journey alone.

He says he loves me so he's letting me go. In the same breath he tells me hurtful things like he's not "in love" with me anymore and hasn't been for awhile. When I tried to ask if what he's going though emotionally he tells me it has nothing to do with the demise of our marriage and that I'm making excuses and should look inward instead of at him. He wrote me a cold, condescending email that his "mental health" is more than Ok.

He feels relieved now that he's left me. He says he could never do the work because it would never work and I would be on egg shells around him. I want to do the work. I want to understand and help him so badly.

I can't decide if he's aware of what is happening to him (PTSD) and if so, is he consciously pushing me away? But if he's aware - why not tell me that the Journey he has to go on is to heal himself and he can't be married anymore. I would accept that. I would let him go. He did say that but then flip flops between that and labeling me hurtful things and painting all of our wonderful memories terrible shades of black.

I just wonder if he's consciously trying so hard to push me as far as way as possible or if he truly believes the lies he's telling me to help him justify leaving the marriage?

Why do people with PTSD say such hurtful, cruel things? Out of anger? Is this part of denial? When I tell him he's hurtful he says he's just being honest but I know he's lying. I know what we shared, I was there and felt the real emotions and I know he's lying to either justify leaving or to push me further away so he can escape our marriage?

So which is it? I'm so confused. Does he believe these lies he's made up to push me away farther? Is he aware and doing it on purpose? Or does he not even know and is doing this to place blame on the marriage for his unhappiness so he doesn't have to deal with his own internal pain. But then what of this Journey?

Any thoughts...I just need to wrap my head around what is happening to me so I can try and heal.

This site has been truly therapeutic and all the experiences help me understand. But I'm still just so confused at all of these actions...

As always, thanks to anyone who is listening.

 

[Deleted member 541]

No, he is pushing you away because he feels he needs to, to protect himself, deal with what he is dealing with, and basically just trying to fight for his life.......PTSD isn't about the sufferer trying to hurt other people, or doing things that are hurtful, just to do them.....

I know that you are hurting, and I know that you don't understand his behavior, but to tell you the truth, HE may not understand what he is doing and he probably thinks that his behavior is OK........PTSD is serious, the suicidal rate is very high, and when we need space, we NEED space.......This isn't about hurting you, it's all about survival for him.......

 

[pstdwife]

Thanks She Cat,

It helps so much to hear from sufferers who know what goes on inside. He seems so fine with the fact that he's just ended a 7 1/2 year relationship. A marriage without even a conversation for working on it. He's detached and insensitive. I guess this is all part of the disorder. But he's willing and even initiating going to therapy with me to help me understand. But does he even understand? I thought perhaps he was aware of pushing me away to protect me but it sounds like it doesn't work like that. So the lies and hurtful words he's used to push me away - he really believes those? All I hear in therapy are more lies that he's created to help himself justify why he's leaving me. Some have truths woven through them so they're so confusing but they would never be marriage-ending without at least a chance for work. But I understand he can't work on the marriage. It would require he stay and that would not allow for him to get his space.

When you say "HE may not understand what he is doing and he probably thinks that his behavior is OK" you're dead on. He really and truly thinks that what he's doing is fine. To one day, sit someone down whose given you 7 years of love and just say, I"m gone, no discussion. He justifies it by saying people leave all the time and one person decides to end a marriage all the time. But the man I married would never think that this is OK. The lies he uses to justify this I know in my heart are not true. But does he believe them? And is he running away from his own pain by running from the relationship or will he go deal with his pain when alone?

I realize this is so serious and his family has no idea. They've accepted his behavior under the excuse, "we're fundamentally not right for each other."

Should I share with his family what is going on with him? Should I acknowledge to him what I think he's going through in therapy or will it push him away further?

thx for the explaining. Sorry I'm so needy for explanations. Just helps...

ptsdwife

 

[zzzaaabbb]

ptsd wife... I totally understand your being needy for explanations. I am in the same boat. I am a sufferer and needy for explanations as to WHY I do the things I do. WHY do I push away the one I love most to the point where he wants to quit. I literally have no idea. If he has said he will go to therapy that is a good first step. I know it has helped me tremendously... but I am no where near healed. It takes time and unfortunately time is always the enemy. If I can help any other way, let me know.... L

 

[candybon]

Alright Alright. I am very new here but I know your story very well and I am BPD PTSD, Depression w/pyschosis, Anxiety NOS, negative attachment disorder. I was seperating from my exhusband 6 years ago because of something that was very devastating to me. My ex is a wonderrful man but I did not trust him as my husband. I was still living at home. I was talking of leaving. We went out one night (I am a singer in a band) and my now ex husband was there and I introduced him to a "friend' i knew through the band leader. I told my exhusband,"Scott meet Michael, this is a friend of Shawns and he is the one I told you about going over and watching a movie with". So the next day I watched the movie. I felt completely in love with my now husband Michael (names changed here for privacy). One night while I was over at Michaels house, my ex called me and said if I were going to be hanging out with this guy I had to move out. So 2 weeks later I moved. My children wanted to stay in their neighborhood and schools so they stay with their dad. a very good dad. My point is. What he is telling you is BULL SH*T. He is leaving you because he found what was missing in your relationship that he wanted. And I will give you a clue.....remember how happy you were in the beginning????That euphoria is missing and he has found it elsewhere. If he comes up to you about how you dont do this or you are this or that way and he is unhappy.....tell him to look in the mirror and say those things to himself because he is using you as his reflection......this is what he cant give to you anymore.....he found it elsewhere and it seems like heaven. I hope he is in therapy and I hope he is talking to them about his actions. Even though some of what my disorder makes me do is wrong, I am still to be held accountable to those who love and care about me. He is hurting you, moving on and not really caring about how you feel....you are an annoyance to him just moving on. If he truly is in love (how can you be when you never met someone- oh and by the way, he has already dishonored you by finding another woman-remember what I said about accountability????) Dont let him say anymore to you about how YOU messed up by not giving him what he needs or BIG ONE HERE-Cheating on you. Make him accountable for what he did to you. Dont you cower away thinking this is your fault. You are being manipulated right nnow. Dont let him go any further. Drop him. and I bet in a short while he will be scavenging for another dumb internet lover! You should be mad as H*ll. I am disordered and I had a real reason to leave my ex. I also am very in love in my now husband and he sticks it out with me and my behaviors but I ALWAYs hold myself accountable. Sorry to sound so mad....but I see PTSD manipulation all over your story. How about hold your head up a little higher sweetheart-this is NOT about you. He better be with a counselor or he will create the same patterns over and over again. Nothing will ever truly satisfy him until he is asked to look inside himself. Next time he talks to you about why he is leaving the marriage-put a mirror in front of his face and make him talk to that and tell him you have no time for his unhealthy behaviors.

With my deepest sympathy,
Candybon

 

[pstdwife]

Candybon,

Thanks for getting so fired up on my behalf. I need a little more anger in me but all I have right now is sadness. I'm all about trying to understand what PTSD does to someone and their loved ones. By understanding, I will be able to better heal. I still see glimpses of him and the person who cared. I am seeking answers and validation that he has some serious problems and that it's HIS PAIN as the cause for him to leave the relationship. I also still can't help but think he's pushing me away so far to protect me. This other relationship that he's started is so pathetic. The woman he met has cancer and is not doing well. They've only communicated from afar online and via phone but have never met. She NEEDS him he says and I never NEEDED him enough. I'm hardly even considering his affair. It's fantasy and ridiculous and will eventually blow up just as our relationship has.

It's his own pain that he needs to deal with and I believe that me and the marriage are being targeted as the source of all his unhappiness so he can avoid his own pain. I believe this but how I feel is always an internal battle. I just wonder if he hates me all of the sudden. He is in therapy and I'm going to see his therapist with him for the 1st time. I just want answers from her as to what he's going through to help me heal. I also want to address him head on in therapy. I want to tell him that what he's doing and what he's done is not OK. He has treated me horribly and it is not OK. Is it wise to address someone with PTSD in this manner? Should I call him out on stuff? He also has repainted our past into something horrible so he can leave and justify why it's OK. Do I address him head on that this is not the truth in therapy? Or is that a lost cause?

I have one more session with him and then I will tell him I no longer need to hear his hurtful & false accounts of our relationship. I think I will then file for divorce as he has not yet. He said he wants a divorce but that he has not made any strides toward this. He probably wants me to so he can twist it into something I did.

He wants me to get mad and tell him to get out of my life. It's so sick how badly he wants to hurt me. I wonder if he even knows how much he is hurting me. He has so much anger and resentment towards me and I simply don't know why. He acts completely unemotional and condescending towards me now. I've always been very strong in our relationship and it's clear he resents me.

I will carry these words with me Candybon: "I see PTSD manipulation all over your story. How about hold your head up a little higher sweetheart-this is NOT about you."

With PTSD manipulation do suffers recreate the past in their minds to justify their current behavior? Or is this all about denying their own pain and placing blame externally instead of looking inward. I just can't believe he actually believes what he's saying. They are lies, lies, lies.

It's really tough to try and rationalize a completely irrational person. I should probably stop trying to do so.

Thank you for the post. I'm becoming reliant on coming here for peace and understanding but it has helped me more than you can imagine. So again, thanks to everyone listening.

With gratitude and appreciation,
PTSDwife

 

[Farine]

Hello!

What great responses! What pressure! That's the cool thing about being myself. There's only one me. Not that I'll add something particularly valuable. I just wanted to sneak in here and give you a *hug* ! It's good that you are becoming used to signing here and having someone enjoy and care about you. You deserve it!

I wonder if the PTSD is like a script from a play.. where the actors read the lines and say the stuff on the script. You may be wondering if the man you married is the actor himself or the character reading lines from the play. You rightly discern that reality is different from his words. You mentioned 'LIes.. Lies".. I wonder if it's "Lines... LInes".. from the play.

If this actor /character metaphor makes sense to other sufferers, then there should be a way to reflect back when we, as carers, are hearing "Lines" or the unblemished reality of the sufferer. And, of course, if this metaphor is messed up... let me know. I"m trying to work out explanations too.
Farine

 

[pstdwife]

Thanks for the hug Farine:) I needed it.

I like the line "umblemished reality of the sufferer." This is so true when it comes to my husband.

He just emailed me again that he wants to assure me his "mental health" is fine. Is the manipulation with PTSD one where someone can completely hide their symptoms and act normal but still detached? I feel like I'm dealing with 2 people. Maybe 3.
Rational, reasonable but detached. Angry, insensitive and horribly mean. Sorry and sad yet still somewhat detached.

He makes me question myself in my belief that he has this disorder. He's never been "officially diagnosed" but his therapist has suggested this. After reading here I see all the signs in him. I just found out who his therapist is and read her bio. Her expertise is to help people down their path of self-discovery. She does not have background in PTSD and now I understand that when he tells me he "needs to reconnect to who he is at the core and that I've forced him into the life we lead" that he's been fed a lot of this in therapy. I won't go as far as saying she's a bad therapist because I have yet to meet her but I do believe she has led him down the wrong path. It is so scary that he may not be getting the proper help. She is a psychologist, not psychiatrist. What therapist allows someone to dissolve a marriage without ever having the spouse in to share another side? The rational side.

He thinks his Journey is about self discovery and not about facing his pain. I'm his problem. Not anything internal. Scary when therapy is misguided. I have a chance to go into this therapist with him. I want to let her know that PTSD is what I feel is really going on but I have to tread lightly.

I'm soo frustrated.

Farine, I like the actor/character metaphor. I wonder if my husband has been an actor for last 7 1/2 years because he claims that now this is who he truly is and he's been living a lie with me. I don't buy it. He's burying his pain so deep that when it comes back and I'm not there to blame it will be a rude awakening. Or not, he'll blame something else in his life ? He's on a slippery slope and I can't save him. It's infuriating.

Frustrated tonight as you can tell.
Thanks for allowing me to vent...

PTSDwife

 

[anni]

Hi PTSD Wife,

I saw your thread yesterday, and I think just because you sounded so in pain ( and God I hate hearing that from anybody, so tend to keep reading to see if that person feels better later! :) )thought I'd check back in.

It initially sounded as if yes, perhaps this was a man in pain from his PTSD and you'd been caught in the carer crossfire. Be that as it may, I would like to say that the few people here I've read about who have acted badly towards others as a result of their PTSD don't seem to have followed the path your husband has. You'll see an awful lot of confessions of sufferers who have harmed their carers, and they're here because they've taken responsibility for that in the end for one thing. Even if yours does have PTSD, he doesn't seem to be even vaguely interested in doing anything other than imposing his pain smack on your back.

Sufferers are different, I know. I have to say that one of the manifestations of PTSD personally has been a complete and utter inability to deliberately impact someone else's life negatively. I say deliberately because of course it has done that- it's inevitable.The point here would be that this aspect would just make me feel even worse about myself, and even guiltier about being alive, not meanly and deliberatley try to make someone else 'pay' for my pain.Like I said, PTSD manifests very differently in different people, but this need on your husband's part to consistanly and deliberatly use his PTSD to manipulate you into a position of subjection smacks to me of a control-freak rather than a genuine victim.

Please do not be offended by this. It just sounds as if you've gone to extreme and hugely kind lengths to help someone who is not making any effort whatsoever to either help himself or be at all kind in return. Please do take care of yourself. It seems to me that someone with your vast resources of kindness, compassion and love will be an unbelievable 'find' for someone similarly natured someday who deserves you.

Anni

 

[pstdwife]

Thanks for your take on this Anni,

I've been struggling back and forth trying to understand if he's suffering from PTSD but all signs (the fear, anxiety, crying, withdraw and then finally a crack and total withdraw from his relationships) make me believe this is what he's suffering from. All the signs are there but my therapist thinks that he's in total denial and therefore blaming the marriage for all of his unhappiness. He's being hurtful about the relationship and our past to justify why he's leaving. She said that he needs to place blame on me so he's not the bad guy walking away.

I don't think he's come to terms at all that he's suffering for PTSD. I have an opportunity to try and get some clarification from his therapist next week but she does not seem well informed. Whatever he is suffering from, his behavior is not rational at all. It's like he flipped a switch. I saw it coming over the course of a few months - so much anger, anxiety, total stress overload and then came the crying and blame and I'm not in love with you anymore.

It is not rational to come home one day, never share any problems with your wife and then just tell her you're leaving. No discussion, no work because he's incapable of being in a marriage (which I do believe and understand). Let's not forget the fantasy cyber affair with a cancer patient he's NEVER met but who NEEDS him.
It's all so messed up and I'm desperately trying to make sense of it all. I do agree though, he is trying so hard to take control because he felt like he never had control in our relationship - which is another inaccurate projection when he looks back.

Thanks for your insights. Hopefully I'll get more answers through his therapist but not counting on it too much.

PTSDwife

 

[Deleted member 541]

You are assuming that he has PTSD and yet he has no official diagnosis????? This is something that we discourage here... Self diagnosing. he could have an anxiety disorder, or a number of any other mental health issues.....Please don't self diagnose, it isn't health, and believe me, no one WANTS this stinking diagnosis either.....

 

[Farine]

She Cat,

I can see the common sense in what you say. It's obvious. Can you help me understand something? What do you do as a carer to someone who won't get an official diagnosis? Is that a deal-breaker in your perspective?