Is He Right?

[Holdingontohope]

My husband and I were sitting at our dinner table and he just told me, very seriously and matter-of-factly, that he though it was best if I killed myself. When I got upset, he said that he just wants the what's best for me and is just thinking about me and how much I struggle. He said that he doesn't think I will ever get better or get over the abuse from my childhood and that maybe it would be better to start over with a new life.

I am really upset right now. I thought I was making progress? He kept asking me to be more open about whats going on with me emotionally/mentally etc. and I've been trying. I don't know what to think right now though. Is he right? Why would he say that? I am really hurting now. Maybe he is right.

 

[Muted]

He is SO wrong!!!!

 

[ladee]

There are too many of us right here on this forum working on our lives to prove him WRONG!
Of course you are hurting. That is a horrible horrible thing to say to someone.
But NO..he isn't right and do not give him the power to question your progress.
If YOU feel you are making progress..then who is more qualified to make that statement about progress..YOU ARE.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

Wow! I'd be printing divorce papers to show him! I get onto strangers telling other stangers on the internet to go kill themselves but your husband?

No he isn't right! I grew up in a cult, was tortured, may need therapy for life (per my therapist) but I can get better and I can live a more fullfilling life. I will likely always be a bit more broken than those not traumatized but I can live a good life. It is NEVER EVER EVER EVER EVER better to kill yourself. EVER!! And what is this "start over with a new life"? When you are dead thats it, finished. No more life. Done, over. Even if you are religious, that is still done with life.

I would be second guessing if he is the right man for you. He apparently doesn't care for you as if he did he wouldn't be suggesting to kill yourself. I rarely if ever advise divorce but this is a whole other level.

 

[digger]

that he though it was best if I killed myself.

that maybe it would be better to start over with a new life.

Killing yourself would not be starting over with a new life. It would be killing yourself. Dead. No life. New or old.

Actually starting a new life without him however....I think that might prove a better option for you...

 

[Sideways]

If you were hearing that story from a fellow trauma survivor, it would be horrifying, right? The same applies equally to you. It was an appalling, heartless, ignorant thing to say to you. You deserve better.

We've been treated like shite in the past, but we, you included, have as much value as any other individual walking this earth. You have value, your life has value, and we're fighting for our recovery because healing is possible for all of us. Including you.

Surround yourself with people who love you, because you're worth it. Frankly, a statement like that says far more about him than it does about you.

 

[Holdingontohope]

Thank you all for your kind replies. I feel better after reading them.

My life is worth living. I have value as a person. I was struggling to believe those after hearing what he said. They are true though, whether he believes it or not.

Now that I've had some time to regroup/ground myself, I am pretty angry at him. It just seems manipulative and even emotionally abusive of him to say that to me. I wish I could say he has never said anything like that to me before, but he has. I think it hit a little deeper this time because he said it so seriously. Usually, he frames things like that in an "oh, I'm just joking" kind of way. He can't seriously think that saying that was in any way helpful, can he?

 

[Sideways]

From the outside looking in, it's hard to imagine any kind of explanation that would make this anything short of emotional abuse, which is a form of domestic violence. It would be deeply disturbing if he believes what he's saying and for me, it would be the end of the relationship. Period.

Regardless of why he said it, or whether he believes it, a reasonable person in his position would know that saying something like that is going to be incredibly distressing, for anyone on the receiving end. The fact that he's said it before, that this isn't a bad case of too much alcohol or a temporary brain snap, is frightening.

It's a relief to hear you say you know it's rubbish, but even when we know they're not true, the things people say about us can still be so damaging, and you have every right to live free from that kind of abuse.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

He can't seriously think that saying that was in any way helpful, can he?

No, and it's not a joke!

It just seems manipulative and even emotionally abusive of him to say that to me.

Agreed! Which is why I mentioned divorce papers. Most especially since he has said these sorts of things before. It is manipulative and abiaive. You deserve better.

 

[Muttly]

When I read your first post, my first thought is to wonder what other hurtful things he had said to you.If he'd never said other hurtful things, there was the *very* slim, in my mind, possibility that in some twisted, ignorant, stupid way, he was not being an abusive, jerk. Sadly, I am not at all surprised to find out he's said similar things. Everything you've said indicate he's emotionally abusive. You do not deserve to be treated like that. You have value and are clearly a fighter. You're getting better even while living with him.

 

[mrsmegan]

Wow. I am so, so sorry. That sounds incredibly hurtful and you do not deserve that.

 

[ladee]

So happy to hear you say you KNOW What he said is not the truth.
I have read some very disturbing things on this forum. But this will be in my head forever.
Of course we are hurt and angry FOR you..
But all our opinions aside..please please examine why you are still with this........ I choose to leave that blank because there is no word to describe him.
You have our support to work thru this.
Sounds like when you are doing better he gets to keep you sick. That by itself is abuse.
Thank you for coming back and letting us know you are ok.
You are worth so much more than him.
Gentle hugs if you accept.