Relationship Is It Normal?

[LostOne83]

Is it normal for your partner, who is a sufferer, to act normal with friends and family but not act normal with you? I feel like when he is around his friends he becomes his happy joking self but when it's just us he seems more distant. I've heard that it is normal because our relationship is on a different level than what his relationship with his friends are. Has anyone else experienced that?

 

[catdog]

I experienced something like this the first few years that my boyfriend and I were dating - mostly when he was drinking. He would be normal and happy with his friends and then would be angry or would lash out at me for stupid things. At first it really affected me, thinking that I was doing something wrong. The words he said would really hurt my feelings. Then, when he was sober he would apologize and not really remember a lot of the things he said. Finally I realized that it had nothing to do with me - it was his way of sorting things out. He would be different with me because I was closer to him. He felt more comfortable around me (and unfortunately that wasn't always for the better). You must be patient and realize that when he is different around you it doesn't have anything to do with you. Gradually it will get better - don't take it personally.

 

[arfie]

I am the PTSD sufferer in my marriage, but this was normal for my partner for our early years together. I think you hit the nail on the head about friendships and partnerships being on very different levels, if for no other reason than the quantities of exposure.

 

[LostOne83]

Yes when he is drinking it's like that. I know he's been self medicating himself with alcohol. He'll get to the point where he will get rude with me and the things he says doesnt make sense. He's not verbally abusive in the fact he berates or belittles me or calls me names, just the tone he gets when he says things. I just brushed it off and would let him sleep it off. The next day I would bring it up to him and he'd apologize but wouldn't remember what he said.

He used to be the happy go lucky make everyone laugh drunk but now it's just mean and obnoxious. When he does this I can look into his eyes and know that it's not him, it's like there's no one there, just a shell. Just a blank stare. This started happening around the time he told me he noticed his symptoms of the PTSD getting worse.

I've read stuff where it says don't take their actions personally because the way they act are not their true feelings. I just cant wait for him to start his treatment and find different coping methods.[DOUBLEPOST=1398483878,1398483671][/DOUBLEPOST]@arfie i feel like he feels with his friends it's just easier for him because they don't expect as much from him as I would if that a way of putting it

The first week I was gone his mom had told me something that really upset me. It was a Friday and I thought they would go to the usual bar that we would on Friday nights but instead when they got off of work they went to our house and shot guns. She told me that he looked happy. It hurt me so much(even though I was happy he was happy) because I felt like he was happy because I wasn't there anymore.

 

[Firefly44]

Hi LostOne83, I know it's really hard but please know that is not you. I suffer from PTSD and do the same thing to my ex. I can have perfectly fine conversations with my close friends, with my therapist, I can even seem 'normal and happy' around my abuser but with my ex, it all falls apart. I'm still new and trying to think through this--here are my thoughts so far, hopefully they help you:

• Intimate relationships are just different from friendships. I was also great friends with my ex but he was more than that. When I push him away or lash out, it's because the intimacy is too much. He's seen and understood me on a level no one else has and that's frightening. It's like seeing your own image in a mirror. It shows a different, more whole (probably more fair) image of you which does not match the dark mental image in your mind. Sometimes you want to break the mirror, sometimes you call the mirror a liar, sometimes you avoid the mirror. Sometimes you hurt yourself to try to make the image in the mirror match the one in your head. And occasionally the mirror makes you believe that is the real you.

• As hard as it may be, try to have some good, no-pressure friend time with him. Activities that you can do that are not couple-y. Remind him and you that there is more to each other than the PTSD.

A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she stayed by his bedside every single day. When he came to, he motioned for her to come nearer.

As she sat by him, he said, "You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you gave me support. When my health started failing, you were still by my side... You know what?"

"What dear?" She asked gently.

"I think you bring me bad luck."

 

[LostOne83]

But what I wanna know is can that bond ever be brought back even if not completely?

 

[Firefly44]

LostOne-- I don't know. I wish I did but I don't know.

A lot of it will depend on him. For me, I had to get somewhere bad enough that living that way was no longer acceptable to myself. And that was a very very very dark and painful place. To get there I had to push away someone I loved very dearly, I had to believe that I was not worthy of love and happiness, and I had to believe that there was no hope. Paradoxically, I had to believe that there was no hope and yet that there must be some other path-- one that I couldn't see and didn't know but that I HAD to believe existed.

It doesn't sound like your partner has gotten to that breaking point yet. Until he gets to that point, facing reality will be too scary and not worth the pain he knows he feels but is suppressing. He's probably still clinging to the belief that this will blow over, or that you'll do something to fix the relationship or maybe he's just in really deep denial/unawareness. When he's ready, he'll come to realization that he has suffered trauma, that it has profoundly impacted him and that he has to do something about it. Hopefully, he'll also believe that he can do something about it with your support-- but honestly, the closer your relationship with him (especially if you're not married or don't have kids together), the more likely it is that he'll push you away to protect you from him.

What you can do is mentally prepare yourself for this. Believe in your love. Believe that in the moments you stare into his eyes and you see someone else, that is is the PTSD and not him. Take care of yourself because all of this will be stressful and if you are tired / stressed / angry / hopeless, it'll be hard to remember those things. So take time to be outside. Strengthen your relationships with other people. Get a massage or manicure. Allow yourself to get happiness and energy from those things so that you have enough in reserve to face the demons of his PTSD.

Good luck.