Is it really a valid thing to do?

[J_trustno1]

Sorry, I couldn't think of a different words for my question.

I know this question my sound stupid as I also know the answer to it being "NO". However, I still want some answers from other members too.

I do suffer from low self-esteem and lack of confidence. I am regularly trying to compare myself to others and I know it isn't a healthy thing to do. I will be starting therapy in couple of weeks. For the meanwhile, I wanted to know if what I am feeling is normal or not.

Whenever I see someone better looking than me, I automatically feel that they are superior than me. Same thing happens when someone has a higher qualification than me, i feel i am not good enough. I know that some of you will say that I need CBT. Yes, you guys are right. But I am struggling with these self-defeating thoughts. Whenever I see better looking girls than me, I feel that I have zero chances of finding a guy who will actually like me since I am not that good look. I am an average person in looks, suffering from depression and ptsd, why would someone like me? Won't he go for better looking girls than me.

I know I sound insecure but I don't know anyway around my current thinking. I know that a person can have the most beautiful features but still feel crap. I used to step aside in university washrooms when a pretty looking girl walked in front of the mirror. I used to feel that they deserve the mirror than I do and would immediately walk out of the washroom thinking I don't deserve to live since I am not good enough.

This may sound stupid and self-defeating to a lot of people here but do you also go through this? I am never satisfied with myself no matter what I achieve. I am constantly running after bigger achievements (academically and professionally) to make myself feel part of the society. I feel this is a path of self-destruction but is there a way to change my thinking? I believe it is very badly rooted in my brain by them (abusers) to feel miserable about myself.

Any suggestions would be great. Thanks in advance for reading the post.

 

[SeanCharles]

Hmm...

I am very excited, very happy, and most of all proud of you going into counseling. I know you have a lot of negative thinking to work on turning around, which may be hardwired as you have stated. If you need the CBT, then by all means do that.
I, as your big brother, am not afraid to admit that I do go through periods of low self-esteem. Being away from the negativity (the weekends) gives me the time to build myself back up, the only problem is week after week, and weekend after weekend of building myself up just to be torn down is having a profound effect on me and my conditions, especially without counseling.

I am constantly running after bigger achievements (academically and professionally) to make myself feel part of the society. I feel this is a path of self-destruction but is there a way to change my thinking? I believe it is very badly rooted in my brain by them (abusers) to feel miserable about myself.

Let me ask a question here... Do you feel life is a pagent, whether it be a beauty or other kind of contest? The secret of life is not easy... Life is what we make of it, what we learn, what we accomplish, for ourselves, yet it's part of a plan that is deep within us whether or not we're aware of this.

While everyone lives the same life here on this planet, we're all striving for some of the same outcomes. Unfortunately, some of us endure traumas as part of the plan only to see how we come out and continue working toward our ultimate goal.

 

[J_trustno1]

@Geordie : :hug:s big b :). Thanks for the great feedback. Sorry I get like this and I can also understand what you have to put up with work. It's quite devastating and tough to deal with. As you've said, you are working hard on preparing yourself for difficult week, week after week, shows that you are very determined. And it is a great thing that you are not giving up regardless of difficult circumstances. Proud of you for this.

Hmm, I am not after any pageant to be honest. I want to achieve the best i can while i live because coming to this country having faced all those circumstances and going through hell, i can't see myself being in the same hole. I want to be the best at anything I do, i want to achieve the utmost goals in my life. I believe that we are only given one life so why not give it all we have. I don't know if it is the right way of living but i don't want to be the same old girl who was forced to work at the age of 12 and was tortured. I believe i deserve a better education and a better life. Don't know if it is the right way to think. With each step in my education, I have achieved the confidence in things which i thought i'd never be able to achieve and now having achieved all this, I have some confidence that I can achieve more and better things.

 

[ghotiff]

why would someone like me? Won't he go for better looking girls than me

As an older woman (well...older than you), here are my thoughts on relationships. Relationships are about 'fit', not about finding the 'ideal' partner. For example, some men are easily jealous and don't like girls who attract a lot of attention, these men do not want the 'flirty' or 'pretty' girl. Some men are threatened by intelligence, these men do not want the 'smart' girl. Some men want a stay-at-home wife, and these men do not want the 'career' girl. Some men don't want to have to be responsible for earning all the money in a relationship and so they do want the 'career' girl. Some men value 'respect' above everything else and don't mind any other attribute as long as the girl is 'nice' and 'respectful' to them and others. My point is that men (just like women) have things that they really want (and don't want) in a relationship and also have things that are not so important. The trick is to find someone who wants what you have (and then hopefully they have what you want).

You have a lot to offer. I personally have found you to be a very supportive and caring person. Also, you know life in a way that many people don't, there will be many men who would be very attracted to someone like you.

I am constantly running after bigger achievements (academically and professionally) to make myself feel part of the society

If you are trying to be #1, you will never make it. Even the top sports stars who actually make it, never stay there. The competition is never possible to win and stay winning.
Can I suggest, that maybe a part of you uses working towards these 'achievements' to keep yourself distracted and focused on something you can control. Just a thought, it had resonance to me when someone mentioned it my way.

I'm sorry you're not in a good place at the moment, my thoughts are with you.
.

 

[Justmehere]

Something that helped me begin to change my negative self talk around was when my CBT therapist pointed out that much of my negative self talk, is me agreeing with your abusers, and he said, "are you sure you really want to live your life agreeing with your abusers?" Reminding myself of that, helped a lot. No matter how bad of a person I think I am, I don't want to think like my abusers and agree with those jerks! You are way better than them. They were wrong - keep reminding yourself of this.

 

[J_trustno1]

@ghotiff : thanks and :hug:s for being very supportive to me. I don't want to be number one but I want to achieve things to best of my potential. I want to best in whatever I do and give it my 101% regardless of the outcome. I don't want to be competing with others because I know it's not worth it, it'll only bring in the worst in me if i do this. I have achieved masters but now I want to go for PhD but not till I have my thoughts aligned and I am sure that it is actually me who want to study more. I want to study for myself not to prove those abusers wrong like I have been doing till now. I want to be happy with myself now and be my friend now. I've had enough of hearing crap from them. Thanks for the support :hug:s :)

@Justmehere : Thanks for the answer. Yes, you are right about therapy. I think i do need it in order to change my negative self-talk because it is very self-destructive. Thanks once again :) :hug:s

 

[ghotiff]

A gratitude book might help you though these periods. In the book you write (or paste) things you are grateful for. For example:
- compliments that people have given you that have made you feel better about yourself
- your degree
- your masters degree
- a picture of a flower that you like (gratitude for such flowers existing)

Then on bad days, you can flip through the book and remind yourself of all the positive things in your life. Its obviously not a 'cure', but it can help to lift the spirits a bit. Maybe if you target your book towards things that will fight the negative self-talk?

 

[Tanishq]

Jess, I am inclined to say one thing. Never be sorry for who you are. I am also working on this. I understand what you are saying here. Self esteem is very important thing for ourselves.

 

[J_trustno1]

@Tanishq : thanks for the reply and being so kind. Yes, you are right about being sorry for myself. Hopefully, I'll learn to deal with my past wounds when I start therapy in 2 weeks times :)

 

[Promicarus]

@jess_trustno1
To answer your question: No, its not a valid thing to do.

But it is understandable, considering your trauma background...and even common in those like us. I've had similar tendencies all my life. And I agree, it's not an easy thing to change your thinking/thoughts.

For example, research has shown that trauma damages one of the portions of your brain responsible for generating serotonin, and the kinds of obsessive preoccupations with one's "inferiority" you've described are commonly associated with low levels of serotonin. I'm not a medical professional, or sugfesting you need medication-only attempting to help you "not feel bad about feeling bad", and so, in turn, only feel all the worse.

I think you must realize that such thoughts are unrealistic, or ypu wouldn't have brought the subject up to begin with. But it took a long time for me to realize that I have a "mind within my mind", which is free to choose what thouggts to hold on to and invest in, and which to simply allow to pass. I refer to it as "catch and release"...what sport fisherman sometimes do with their catches. I work at remaining conscious of my thoughts as they enter my mind, and instead simply ask myself "does this represent the person I'd like to be?". If not, I simply visualize it as myself pullung.it from the water, inspecting it, then tossing it back into the stream.

Sounds easy enough...but at first, it's not. But what is? It's also referred to in terms of "mindfulness practice", and is a cornerstone of Zen meditation. Mindfulness practice is coming to be relied upon more and more in therapy of all kinds.

And it's become much more difficult since additional serious trauma has accumulated. While I began Zen study early, at around 13, and became fairly proficient...picking it back up has been more like learning to ride a bicycle all over again.

But it does work, with regular and determined practice. And it's worth it. I do have that knowledge at least, as motivation.

 

[bell]

I totally understand where you are coming from @jess_trustno1, as I have been plagued by similar thoughts. And all the comments above have given you so much helpful advice!

I think the thought that had me kind of turn the corner on things was the idea of "just because I think it doesn't make it true." This was a big revelation to me. And as for relationships, I started paying attention to people in relationships and seeing that they encompass all people, those both conventionally "pretty" and those not. This was also really important to me.

And I think that @ghotiff really has a point mentioning that it's all about "fit." As I venture out of my hidey hermit PTSD hole and go out on dates, I really see how this is true. How it's about the little things that matter (do they hold the door open for me?) just as much as the big things (am I attracted to who they are both inside and out?).

And I'm not going to lie, with PTSD it's a giant pain in the ass, because we're always on red alert for everything in both ourselves and others. But you can do it. The trick is to tackle the negative thoughts that run in your head on a one-by-one basis, remembering that "just because you think it doesn't mean it's true." There are posts about this all over the internet, but I was just reminded of this the other day when someone posted a link to this article.

Also, [DLMURL="http://www.daniellelaporte.com/making-new-mind-grooves-1/"]this article[/DLMURL] may help with the negative thought loops some, although it's not aimed at people with PTSD, so your mileage may vary. And I've rewritten this post like 4 times, as I could go on about this at length, but don't want to be a bore. I say this, because, you're not alone in your thoughts, it any way, shape or form.

 

[Deleted member 20280]

Jess, you are a wonderful, smart, intelligent and beautiful person. We will probably never meet apart from here on this forum.

I know if we ever did meet we would be friends no matter what.

That perfect job and that perfect soul mate are out there somewhere for all of us, yours will show up when you least expect them to.

:hug:s

Laurie