Is It Time To Quit My Therapist?

[watundah]

Both?
Her trauma skills.rock but she falls.down with trust and.consistency. Do I.keep working with her with the knowledge.that she.comes up short in these areas on a regular basis or quit because it causes me so.much freaking stress?

To.my credit, I do call her out on her behavior. And then we get into push/shove.

 

[qwyoey]

Does she have clinical supervision?

I often ask myself, Am I reacting to a situation as an adult or a child? Because child me is impulsive.

I feel like it's very adult to know and want to continue the good work you have done together.

As to trust and consistency- I think you have to determine what is happening because of inner child emotions or what is reasonable to expect as an adult seeking to get better. I do not believe you'd be in the wrong to either ask if she is willing to perhaps mediate these issues with you so you can continue your work, and to set forth some sort of agreement in writing on what she is willing to do for you regarding the issues that are intruding into your therapy. And perhaps if it comes to desensitization, you can develop a plan to work together as a unit to learn to respond to the fear of the sound (or other issues). It might be worth it just to be in therapy just for the sole purpose of distress tolerance before doing further trauma work as this can make later work easier for you.

 

[watundah]

I do not know about her supervision processes.

I do appreciate what you are saying about staying in and negotiating, and using the noise to work past tolerating triggering sounds. Even if I don't like it!

I was shocked to get a call from her today. She admitted that she "should have been more straightforward" (not the first time I've heard that), and admits she shouldnt have made that promise about the noise. I told her it is a trust issue that we went from no noise to what she considers "acceptable" noise with no discussion. She doesn't agree. And, now, the arrangement is, he will be going in and out to get tools but not working in the garage. Right. That's this week. I still have a problem with the bending and shifting rules.

She said she doesnt hear the sounds that I do - probably not, since she spends her day in there and is accustomed to it.

Again, I am more upset that she was not up front about changing the agreement than the actual noise...I am still upset although it means a lot that she reached out and admitted "some" degree of responsibility because earlier discussion did not display that. I still need to take some time and think about it all and calm down a bit.

 

[Tinyflame]

This is a bit 'out there' @watundah , so please forgive me if useless.

Do you think the guy actually hears or cares? (He himself may wear headphones). I know it's the priniciple, and about trust, consistency, honesty, communication, respect. Perhaps though, she (despite her training) is seeing ("hearing') it through non-ptsd eyes, & really isn't grasping the degree of gravity/ fear you feel. Perhaps also the fear of the consequences (I would). I think you hear it more because of hypervigilance, not accustomation. More an issue of not understnding (at the 'heart' level) than mistrustful or dishonest.

For people without ptsd I think not making a big deal out of things makes it easier. For people with ptsd, who have had the worst happen, having it acknowledged & taken seriosly (ie addressed) works better.

Also perhaps she knows it's the downside of her practise and may drive people away, but not really acknowledging that.

It is a conundrum. :(

:hug:

 

[scout86]

What are the odds you can learn to deal with the noise? Any chance that learning to tolerate stuff like that would be an asset in the rest of your life? Just a thought.

I can see where it might be tempting to turn this into a 'she lied to me, I can't trust her' kind of issue. I'm not sure that's helpful. The sessions are at her house? The noise maker is her husband? In that case, it's his house too..... I have no idea what went in to her working at home situation. She may be in somewhat of a 'rock and a hard place' situation between meeting your needs and meeting his. Not your problem,obviously. It's just your choice how important the issue is to you and how you feeling about leaving now and either finding a different T or not. It seems like you need to weigh how useful is her help vs how horrible is the noise vs how important is it that you can control the situation.

I notice noises.They're more of a distraction that a trigger though, so it's different. But, every time the furnace kicks in, a door closes, the janitor starts the vacuum, an ambulance goes by with their siren on, what ever, I react to it. My T patiently waits for me to resume paying attention to what's going on in the office. Sometimes he comments on what the noise is. Sometimes we joke about it. In your situation, if I was seriously scared that the noise represented a threat, we'd talk about that and find a way to deal with it. (Because, in your case,it's not really a threat.) If I knew it wasn't a real threat and reacted as if it was anyway, we'd talk about THAT and find a way to deal with it. Because I'd find it useful to learn to deal with that stuff in other places too. But that's me,and my way of looking at it. We all have different issues and different approaches. You're really the only one who can weigh the pluses and minuses as you experience them.

 

[watundah]

For people with ptsd, who have had the worst happen, having it acknowledged & taken seriosly (ie addressed) works better.

Yes, exactly. Thank you.

I will mull on this for a while.

 

[barefoot]

It sounds like the key thing here is that she has moved the goal posts - she assured you of one thing (he wouldn't go in the garage during session time) and now it has become another (well, he will be in the garage but won't actually be working in there). And that has dented your trust re her being upfront and straightforward and in following through and doing what she said she would do – whether she agrees with that issue of trust being dented or not, that is your experience of what's happened here.

Does the issue of shifting goal posts/not knowing where you stand/people changing their minds and not doing what they say they're going to do show up and affect you in any other aspect of your life now? If so, I'm wondering whether it would be worth having a session with her where you discuss what's difficult for you about that stuff? Not just in relation to her, but in general? You've had quite a lot of back and forth with her where you've pointed out the things she's done (or hasn't done) and explained the impact on you and her responses haven't really helped you. I wonder if it's because she is taking it as criticism and is then getting caught up in her own emotional responses. If you could discuss those issues and the impact for you more generally - not in relation to her/your therapeutic relationship, I wonder if that may be a more neutral, less emotive "in"?

I don't know...but I know how hard this decision is for you and how torn you are.

If you could both sort out the relational stuff, would you be able to manage the garage situ (him being in there and making noise)?
And, if so, what do you need for the relational stuff to be able to be sorted? More of an apology from her, taking fuller responsibility? Assurance that he won't be in the garage again during your session time? Assurance that she will be more straightforward in the future and discuss things with you if they change and she can't follow through on what she promised? I guess things to think about (and I'm sure you are already thinking about these things!) are:
- Is it likely, do you think, that she will do these things? (if they are the things you want)
- If she does do those things, will you be able to accept and trust them? Or will you doubt her word and think "yeah, right - I've heard that before/I'll believe it when I see it/talk is cheap etc?

I do think trust can be repaired in a therapeutic relationship - especially in a relationship with has been strong and productive, which I believe yours has. I also think it takes both of you to be honest about your part in the rupture and open to how you can do things differently to move forwards.

I don't see you being able to make this decision about whether to quit or not without seeing her again and talking through trust in a more open and general way...?

Sorry you're in this dilemma - it's a tough one, with so many mixed feelings tied up in it.

 

[watundah]

I appreciate this response, @barefoot
You ask many good questions and make many good points that I will consider as I take time to look at all of this.

She and I have come a long way over the years, however, having someone offer and then redact in a recurring way (it is in our history) can be maddening when you come from the land of instability. Raising the question for my damged side, "who can you trust?"