Relationship Is It Too Much To Ask For An Apology?

[technigirl]

Ugh, mansplaining is the WORST. I'm a woman in tech and I get that a lot. It's condescending and disrespectful (even if they don't always realize they are doing it).

Yes, I think he does owe you an apology if he says mean things and hurts your feelings. Or at the very least, an acknowledgement that he realized what he said was hurtful and wrong. Apologizing means that you are taking responsibility for your actions. PTSD or not, he is still responsible for his actions and whether they hurt others, and he should own up to that. Just because he is now comfortable in the relationship doesn't give him a pass on taking that responsibility.

 

[Friday]

Should he apologize for hurting you? Yep.

***

...cringe, double cringe, triple cringe...Was all of this about the suitcase? If so, that ties into a helluva lot of combat stuff for about half the vets I know. Not knowing where your shit is, especially on the move, is um, harder than fireworks for some of us.

Pretty much the only time anyone had better ever even touch my bag (or I'll have to go entirely re-through it) is if the zombies are coming, and we're running. Hurricane cleanup, flash flood, and some saint packed my shit up at base camp while I was out and threw it on the truck... And even though I wouldn't have had anything I still tore them a new asshole for grabbing the stupid stuff instead of the important stuff until I got a reality check... And then I was still grumbling and ungracious about it. Honest to god, I'd rather have had nothing except what was on me, & know the camp got washed out... Than have had the "wrong" things. ::blushing:: I was awful. Had the same durn thing happen in more dire circumstance and been fine, meh will make due & thanks man, appreciate the hell out of it... But there's something about relaxed circumstance which tells me everyone is going to die, and it's all my fault, because I was unprepared, because I didn't have "everything" and what I did have? No idea where the f*ck it was.

This creeps over into my everyday life as well. My mom decided to be "helpful"... And it threw a several month full stop on my getting shit sorted. Granted, the "helpful" was her ignoring me for weeks telling her to stop in various different levels (Thanks, but I've got this. Please dont. Look, I understand you want to help, but it doesn't help me. FFS HOW f*ckING HARD IS IT TO UNDERSTAND? TOUCH MY STUFF AGAIN AND... Enter full on Tasmanian Devil rant)... Ending with my not even being able to *look* at my stuff following weeks of her moving it around, for literally months. It's what kicked me into 2 changes of clothes and eating once a week serious funk bracketed with a helluva lot of flashbacks & anxiety attacks. She still thinks the whole thing is "ridiculous" but it's a huge huge huge stressor for me.

I've apologized for hurting her feelings, but she's still in the wrong. Not because it triggers the f*ck out of me to have someone f*cking with my stuff, (that's not only all on me but she doesn't know I have PTSD), but because I have both asked & told her not to mess with my stuff, and she just ignores me & does it anyways.

 

[Sweetpea76]

Hmmm... I can see how a packing thing would upset a vet now @FridayJones ... it didn't make sense before.

It was just an example of one of the blow ups that I could think of off the top of my head. The thing was he ASKED me to help him get packed because needed it to get done and was having a hard time doing it. He was right there while I was packing the bag and doing laundry, criticizing and bitching the whole time. I knew it was stress, but it was one of those times where it just got nasty.

Him- "why are you packing my underwear first?"

Me-"that's just what I do to make sure I don't forget anything, I go from the inside out like I am getting dressed."

Him - "That's retarded, who packs like that? Then the underwear are on the bottom."

Me - "Then tell me specifically how you would you like them packed."

Him- "In a non-retarded fashion" *sniff, bitch grumble*.

Me- *sigh inwardly to myself* "would you rather do a lay out on the bed first then pack it?"

Him- "that's counterproductive... do you get more retarded as time goes by? You are more of a liability than a help."

This is repeated with every object going into the suitcase, culminating with a blow up, and me removing myself from the situation until he settles down.

I understand that he was stressed, but insulting me for doing what he asked me to do sucks the big one... especially questioning my intelligence after giving me a task with no instructions, then getting upset when I did the task my own way. He could have told me "hey babe... I am getting really stressed, can you step away and let me try on my own" or something, and I wouldn't have batted an eyelash at him. He knows he has an immediate "get out of jail free" card with me anytime, all he has to do is tell me he is getting overwhelmed and I'll immediately stop doing or saying anything. I think an apology after he calmed down would have been the decent thing to do in that instance.

 

[scout86]

Yes, he owes you an apology. You DO NOT make snarky comments about how someone is doing something when you asked them to do it for you. Even if it freaks you out. Even if you have to bite your tongue till it bleeds. If you ask for help, you graciously and gratefully accept the help. (And, you put the underwear on the bottom? Seriously? Don't you roll it up and stash it around the edges because it will fit, save space, and be easy to find????)

I'd have told him to pack his own f'in suitcase at the first snide remark. (And perhaps that has something to do with why it's just me & the dogs here......)

There seems to be a tendency among humans, to take for granted the very people who matter most to us. I think that's a REALLY bad idea and work at not doing it. People can be gone forever in the blink of an eye. If you appreciate them, you need to tell them while you can. We should treat the people we love WAY better than we treat strangers. And, often, we don't. The lack of apology seems to me like it sets a bad precedent. Besides, PRACTICING watching his tongue will help him get better at it a lot faster than not practicing. Maybe, if he doesn't want to SAY it, you can negotiate a rule where by he does something appropriately nice for you, as a concrete demonstration of his regret when he does something like that. Because he shouldn't talk to you like that!.

 

[Sighs]

@Sweetpea76 - it really sucks. And its impossible not to be hurt by it from time to time. BUT I honestly don't think they mean it or realise how hurtful it is. Its just the stress cup overflowing.

Eg: My vet has drummed into me how important it is to acknowledge instructions. So, I'm helping him with the car tyres and it involves him telling me to turn a compressor on and off. And each time he does I'm responding verbally to let him know I've heard him. I'm mentally patting myself on the back for being a good little digger. He suddenly barks "Stop f*cking gobbing off each time and just f*cking do it." WTF? Sigh!

 

[Peach]

@scout86 just hit close to what I was going to say. Tater and I haven't had many blow-ups, but there have been a time or two where he was an ass and, yeah, he needed to apologize. I have no problem apologizing...in fact I probably say it too many times (for the same event), but he does apparently. He is apologetic afterwards which is good, but I like to hear the words - I'm sorry - which have never left his lips. I think I even asked him one time and he absolutely refused! He turned it into a game to get around saying it. What a nut!

So, it's taken me some time to get used to this and, honestly, I'm still not sure if I'll let it stay. But like I said, it doesn't come up often.

Good Lord, Peach, the point! If he just doesn't like 'I'm sorry' Scout's idea of him doing something to show he knows he messed up and that he regrets his actions would be a nice compromise.

 

[Peach]

He suddenly barks "Stop f*cking gobbing off each time and just f*cking do it." WTF? Sigh!

:eek: LOL Can't win for losing!

 

[Sighs]

Good point @scout86 and @Peach - my vet tends to ask for a cuddle or a kiss - which he knows I can't resist and what he really means by that is 'sorry I was a grumpy arse'. He does say the words as well but usually not for a day or so while the cuddle comes shortly after the behaviour.

 

[Futuremrs]

My vet does say mean things and lash out. He calls me retarded and accuses me of making stuff up because he doesnt remember a lot of things. It's hard to not take it personally especially because I hate lying and would never just do it to be right. I've learned that it escalates quickly and when he's all riled up I just can't react. I sit there and won't say anything if I can't take myself out of the situation (he always gets mad about that, but you have to realize nothing you do is going to be right so just do what's best for you.) He usually does apologize eventually though. It's hard for him but he knows I won't talk to him until he does because that's how I keep the respect. Or at least I feel more respected.

 

[Sweetpea76]

(And, you put the underwear on the bottom? Seriously? Don't you roll it up and stash it around the edges because it will fit, save space, and be easy to find????)

I use packing cubes in my luggage... but I'm anal like that ;). I got Mr. Manly a set for Christmas, but he thinks they are girly or something... who knows? Men...

I need to do something... It seems like the longer we are together, he has just kind of settled into a rut and is less conscious of my feelings. He used to be more considerate. I think it has almost gotten worse as I have become more educated about PTSD. As in "she knows I'm stressed and my cup is overflowing, so nothing I say has any consequence." At least it seems that way.

Sometimes I wonder if I have been giving him too much of a free pass with his snarky words. It's one of the things that keeps me from moving in with him. I don't want my daughter to see a man talking to her mother like that and think that it is acceptable behavior.

 

[Peach]

Packing cubes. LOL! I start with the whiskey and giant box of Goldfish, then throw everything else in where ever.:D

As in "she knows I'm stressed and my cup is overflowing, so nothing I say has any consequence." At least it seems that way.

Think you're going to have a chat and lay down the law?

 

[Wastinglight]

Not because it triggers the f*ck out of me to have someone f*cking with my stuff, (that's not only all on me but she doesn't know I have PTSD), but because I have both asked & told her not to mess with my stuff, and she just ignores me & does it anyways.

Hm. Interesting. I always wondered my guy goes crook at me for packing up his gear at the shooting range at the end of the day.... even though there's sometimes a good chance that it would be left behind if I didn't! Thanks for the explanation! It makes sense but also doesn't make sense. Ah, such is the nature of PTSD I guess...! :D:rolleyes::bored:

There seems to be a tendency among humans, to take for granted the very people who matter most to us. I think that's a REALLY bad idea and work at not doing it. People can be gone forever in the blink of an eye. If you appreciate them, you need to tell them while you can. We should treat the people we love WAY better than we treat strangers. And, often, we don't. The lack of apology seems to me like it sets a bad precedent. Besides, PRACTICING watching his tongue will help him get better at it a lot faster than not practicing. Maybe, if he doesn't want to SAY it, you can negotiate a rule where by he does something appropriately nice for you, as a concrete demonstration of his regret when he does something like that. Because he shouldn't talk to you like that!.

Well said as always, @scout86. This is so true. I never know whether my guy doesn't want to be nice, or whether he literally doesn't think of it cos his brain is full of stress. Either way, it still feels like a slap when I show concern and affection, and try to help him out and get it thrown back in my face, like this morning. He was pretty stressed this morning about having to help his dad out with something. I offered to drive him over to his parent's place so he wouldn't have to take the bus. He looked petty unhappy while we were driving, so I patted him affectionately on the leg briefly. His reaction: "Keep your eyes on the road! Just drive!" *sigh*