Is It Wrong For Me To Wish It Was My Fault?

[Lolo]

I was three when it happened. I was at preschool at my church. I'm not sure how I got separated from the group. He found me and took me to the office. I can't remember who he is. He put himself in my mouth and I was choking and gagging and really scared. I think I bit him. After that it escalated. I know that I had no control of the situation. I was a little kid and he was a grown man. Why do I want it to be my fault? Would I feel any better if I could somehow blame myself?

 

[SnowJo]

I was three when it happened. I was at preschool at my church. I'm not sure how I got separated from the gr...

So sorry that this happened to you, that must have been terrifying. I completely understand why you would want it to be your fault, then you would feel some level of control... But remember that today, you have control, back then you didn't so be kind to yourself, listen to your inner fears, tears, rage, sadness, loss etc, write about it, tell a therapist, talk in here, get it out so you can feel more self acceptance... and understand why you want it to be your fault with compassion, its ok to have wanted to feel in control of your life.

 

[Weemie]

it's completely normal. i tend to put a lot of my own history on myself as well. it gives me some measure of control over the whole thing, as though i participated, made my own choices. in a way, i did. within the circumstances of the situation, knowing that i did make some choices, gives me comfort.

 

[RussH]

No. Blaming yourself would only add guilt and condemnation to your feelings about yourself. You were a very young innocent victim, and he deserves to be in prison.

 

[Lolo]

I guess I'm just really confused. I remembered almost nothing. My therapist told me I should turn on the light. We did the emdr and now I remember more. Then he tells me that these memories are highly inaccurate. I'm not really sure what happened to me. I think I bit him and then he raped me. How do you know if your memories are true? I guess I feel like if it were my fault it doesn't matter what he did to me. I deserved it. I know it isn't my fault no matter what he did to me, but I want it to be. How do you sort out the memories? I'm sorry I've been rambling. I guess I'm not sure what questions I should be asking.