Is Loving Someone A Trigger? Combat Ptsd Responders Please.

[LoveHimThroughIt]

I see, it's problem not flying in and of it's self, but airport hassle stress.

As for how to behave?...

This is different advice than I have gotten from my PTSD group (remember, the group is only friends and family - no PTSD Sufferer opinions there). They expressed that I need to set my boundaries and express my feelings and my needs. I don't want to overwhelm him, but one of the girls actually has a brilliant suggestion that I wanted to share with him. Let me share it and you tell me if that would be ok.

Since we're long distance, I need to know (somehow) that he is alive, what state of mind he's in and whether he is open to communicating on any given day. That has been impossible without texting or calling. But I keep reading threads where the PTSD sufferer says that some days they can't even bear to receive a text or call. I don't want to make his day worse by innocently texting him and having it push him over the edge. He can't just shut his phone off because he has kids. It isn't like he can just hide out.

So the method is to use the Google Hangout app. You don't have to go online to update the status, you just type in whatever you want it to be. I was thinking that we could use a code system. Black = don't call, don't text, don't email, no contact. Red = email is ok, but won't reply. Orange = email and text is ok, but won't reply. Yellow = email, text, or leaving voicemails is ok, but won't reply. Green = good to go. Something like that.

I think that would meet his needs of wanting to limit communication during a blackout period, as well as meeting mine for needing to know that he was alive. It would also allow me to appropriately accommodate his needs without adding additional stress to him. What do you think @Fadeaway ?

 

[Fadeaway]

There is no harm in asking him how he feels about it, but to me, every day would be too much, then again, that's me and I can't speak for him. Personally, I no longer have a phone with text capabilities, if I haven't called you back, it might be a few days, but I will. I find e-mail far less stressful. It might be a great idea and work well for him, you just have to ask.

 

[Sweetpea76]

Since we're long distance, I need to know (somehow) that he is alive, what state of mind he's in and whether he is open to communicating on any given day. That has been impossible without texting or calling.

When my combat vet isolates, I have had to learn to just leave him alone completely. The more I text at him, the more it stresses him. The more he is stressed, the more he isolates. When he is in this mode, I have to let him be in control of the communication.

Isolation is a coping method for him. He does it when he is stressed and overwhelmed, and it has nothing to do with me. It's all about stress. It's not that I did anything, or that he doesn't want to talk to me specifically. It is all about him needing a breather to reset. Once I learned that, I was waaaaaay more relaxed about it. I miss him, and I worry, but I'm not freaking out whether he is coming back or not.

I do have boundaries in place for his isolating behavior, and he has boundaries for me. First I have to leave him alone... seriously, for real. Don't call him, don't text him, don't facebook him... nada. If he felt good and wanted to talk everyday, he'd be talking to me like he usually does. With that being said, he needs to respect our relationship and my feelings enough to check in with me every few days or so by sending an "I'm alive" text to let me know he isn't dead in a ditch somewhere. I have agreed not to respond and try and turn those "I'm alive" texts into conversations. When he is feeling better, he usually just texts me "hey" or something, and that is my cue to respond. I also will not tolerate a long period of radio silence. If he doesn't communicate with me for more than a few weeks, then I cannot be in a relationship with him. I can't sit around for months waiting on him.

I would also be careful about all the boundary setting and emotional needs talk right now... if he is stressed and isolating, that is going to send him screaming over the edge. I'd just relax and get to know him for now, and save the deep discussions for when he is feeling better.

 

[LoveHimThroughIt]

When my combat vet isolates, I have had to learn to just leave him alone completely. The more I text...

So I was talking to a friend today and telling her about when I injured my back. And I started telling her about a friend of mine who would not leave me alone and was texting and calling me and emailing me and he stressed me out so much. I couldn't take it and I would get anxiety towards the end of my workday just anticipating that he might text or try to call me... I just realized that I myself, went into isolation at that time. I may not understand the combat experiences but I just realized that I sure as hell understand the need to isolate and the feelings that go along with that: the anxiety and the pressure of feeling like you have to communicate with others but can't, and so you prioritize and you only deal with what you have to . And I feel like an ass!

I could barely make it through the workday. I wasn't sleeping well and so I was exhausted. I was emotionally overwrought because that's when I became separated from my ex-husband. I disconnected from family and friends and I sent texts maybe once every week or two to let them know that I was alive but still struggling with pain and sleep deprivation.

And here I am not able to cope with someone else doing the exact same thing when I actually have done it myself!!! I feel like an idiot. And the only reason that I couldn't back off is because I was not feeling secure about our relationship or whether he would come back after he was done isolating.

And even throughout his isolation he has tried to show me that he will come back afterwards. This week his actions were enough to make me feel better and I have not reached out to him since we texted on Tuesday (I initiated of course *headdesk*).

I have not texted or emailed or tried to call and I myself haven't even been going on Facebook because I wanted to avoid the temptation. I guess I just need to learn how to do that for an extended period of time.

I hope he'll forgive me for stumbling and fumbling through this. This is my first experience with extended isolation and it was hard but it didn't kill me. I just hope that I haven't pushed him to the breaking point because of my behavior.

He told me pretty early on that there wasn't anything that I could do that would scare him away. And I texted and called and emailed a lot. But that was when he was in a good place. I just hope that the same mindset that he had is somewhere in there while he goes through this. *sigh*

And now the panic and anxiety of the fact that I may actually get to see him tomorrow is starting to set in.

No sleep for me tonight.

 

[Sweetpea76]

The first isolation period is usually what sends people screaming for the supporter section on this site. NOBODY gets it right. There is a huge learning curve.

 

[Fadeaway]

@Sweetpea76 Your words are golden. It is super refreshing to read those word from a supporter.

@LoveHimThroughIt Excellent self insight. I think you will do well handling a PTSD relationship.

 

[LoveHimThroughIt]

@Sweetpea76 thank you for your kind words. I understand that nobody gets it right the first time. Most people don't get anything right the first time. The point is not to give up and to keep trying until you do get it right.

@Fadeaway I appreciate that you think I will do well. I think I have the ability to do well too. I might have done better from the get go if I had the support system in place that I do right now. It took me the full three weeks to get it in place. I know I will be better equipped going forward, with an appropriate "tool set" in place.

I just hope my behavior is not unforgivable and that I haven't pushed him over the edge. I really feel so foolish and selfish. I KNOW FIRSTHAND what it feels like to want to isolate, but yet I still couldn't get with the program and just give him his space. The friend that was bugging me through my isolation? He and I are no longer friends. I don't want to lose my warrior because I couldn't back off for a few weeks. It wasn't like he didn't check in with me either. I got a text about a week in saying he was still alive, still dealing with stuff, just checking in. If I could have been more patient, I'm sure he would have continued to do that.

Just SMH for the last day.

 

[LoveHimThroughIt]

Quick Update for those interested. He is still in zero dark thirty, but I believe he also knows what a wreck I would be on my flights not knowing if he would be there to pick me up. He emailed me a quick "see u soon" a little while ago. I know that must have been hard for him and he didn't text or call which means he still doesn't want interaction, but I believe he's shown great consideration for my well being by taking that action. And of course, I'm sitting here, crying like a baby with relief. :bawling:

 

[LoveHimThroughIt]

And another email... lol this will make those of you with veterans smile. My flight itinerary is in 12 hour clock. It didn't say 23:30, it said 11:30pm, but I guess he saw the 11:30 and military brain thought morning. He just emailed me from the airport. ooops. He said he'll be there at the right time to get me later.

 

[Tiffany3]

I am in a very new relationship. I found out I will be moving for work and wanted to meet some...

I'm in a similar situation. Would love to chat with you more sometime to compare notes, discuss issues, and maybe we can support one another as we navigate this whole thing. Ping me anytime!

 

[Tiffany3]

Thanks for the material. So I would be a stressor, but I'm wondering if flying is a trigger....

This is really interesting as I never thought about this! The whole concept of PTSD is totally new to me and the more I read, the more I'm beginning to understand my situation and where the guy I'm seeing is coming from. I'm now starting to see why he was hesitant on coming to see me and instead asked me to go to him. I never before thought of a relationship as being a stressor, especially given how low-maintainance I am but it's all starting to come together. Of course I'm feeling like an ASS for how I've responded but I have to remember that I can't respond differently if I don't know what the issue is. All I can do now is keep learning. Thank you!

If you want to know my situtation, here's the link (it's LONG - sorry). https://www.myptsd.com/threads/dating-an-army-cpt-w-possible-ptsd-advice-and-support-needed.56518/

 

[Jennypenny]

i pull away all the time. In fact, with everyone I start to get close to. It's definitely a trigger. I think the best thing to do would be to be blunt and ask. For me, space is important. You might want to ask him what's important to him.