Is My T Trying To Get Rid Of Me?

[Dashboard]

Been seeing my t for almost 4 years and in the last two sessions I've finally come around to acknowledging that I have "parts" whatever than means. It's been very scary and emotional for me these last two sessions to admit to this and have it out there in the table with my T.

This last session she said there is no short cut with this kind of work, that it could take years for all my parts to learn to trust her and how did that sit with me?

I said I was a bit worried about the financial impact it would have and asked whether I might be able to swap to fortnightly sessions instead.

For a moment she paused and seemed to be thinking and I truly thought she was about to offer to give me a reduced rate seeing it was going to be such long haul therapy.

But then she said I could always consider finding someone else who is cheaper if that was necessary.

I said I didn't think I could start again with someone else and have to try and build trust up from scratch again seeing id been seeing her for almost 4 years before this part work became possible for me to even acknowledge.

She then said I was stronger than I think and I might be surprised to find I could work with someone else because I've turned such a corner and can acknowledge this stuff now.

Then time was up and I just left feeling quite embarrassed and confused.

I feel silly I had even thought she was about to offer a reduced rate and now feel like this is clearly just a business arrangement for her and she wouldn't care in the slightest if I left and started with someone else.

My protector part is triggered and my little ones feel like they don't matter and are just a dispensable pay check after all these years.

Just looking for some words of comfort I am very frightened and confused about having "parts" this has only just become clear to me and now I feel like my T clearly won't budge on fee amount and was so happy and fine for me to just leave and find someone cheaper...just feel rejected and weirdly ashamed???

 

[asadafagahajakal]

It could be very well the case. I dont think shes trying to get rid of you in the sense of shes not making enough profit out of you, but it sounds like you and your t have a lot of work to do. Fortnightly appointments might slow things down, even if its less financially draining on you.

Also if i was your t, id keep in mind that financial instability can be a big stressor (i know it is for me), so if i really cared i wouldn't want you to blow your money on therapy if its going to add to the things we gotta work on, right?

So even if shes "trying to get rid of you"(quite unlikely), it could be her acting in your best interest.

 

[Suzetig]

She might not be in a position to offer a reduced rate for long term therapy and is thinking about what might work for you. Fortnightly therapy when you're actively processing stuff can get hard going and isn't ideal but neither is financial hardship. She might also have wanted you to know you didn't need to stay with her, or indeed do the work at all, or she may feel out of her depth. The only way to know is to ask her.

 

[Dashboard]

She might not be in a position to offer a reduced rate for long term therapy and is thinking about what...

The problem is there isn't really a cheaper option for me anyway. I'm in Australia, we can access ten half price sessions per year with a registered practitioner but then we have to pay the rest out of pocket ourselves. The T I see currently has a cheaper rate than most of the professionals that qualify for ten half price sessions. So it would work out the same if not more expensive to do long term work with someone else.

I feel like she would already know that, and is probably out of her depth and wanting me to leave. This is confusing as a while ago she said she was "in this for the long haul".

I didn't even bring up money or anything with her she was the one who raised it.

I just felt like I had finally found someone to help me, and we had spent most of the session talking about how hard I find it to see her as a safe person and to trust her...and then she raised this stuff.

I don't know. Basically I realise I won't be able to afford long term therapy with anyone anyway unless they would reduce the fee a bit.

I've put everything on the line trying to do this work and it just feels like a waste of time. I don't blame her for not considering a lower fee and I get it if she thinks I'm too complicated and should go see someone else but would prefer she be upfront about it if that's the case.

I just feel like all my therapy has been a huge painful waste of time and money. Now all I have is the very recent realisation that I have traumatised parts (which freaks me out) and the realisation that I can't afford any proper help anyway, and at the end of the day, this is all just a business arrangement for a T and I can be dropped any instant that's fine by her.

Which is fair enough I just wish I hadn't come this far and made myself this vulnerable and uncovered all these secret shameful problems in myself - to now feel stuck and financially unable to get any more help.

Sorry it's just made me very emotional

 

[kilted]

From what you say I don't think your therapist is trying to get rid of you. This may well be the "meaning maker" part of your brain jumping to conclusion.

You have just acknowledged that you have different parts and your therapist knows that all your parts have to trust her before integration of the parts can occur. She has said that this may take a long time, which may be true, or it may not. It could be that now you have identified the parts you can work with them and build trust quickly.

The thought that it might take a long time made you think about whether you can afford weekly therapy for a long time, and you mentioned this to the therapist, asking about fortnightly therapy, possibly hoping for a reduced rate for weekly therapy. Therapists have to be careful about reduced rates, it can set up all sorts of psychological "games" both within the therapeutic relationship, particularly if clients/ex-clients happen to meet outside the therapy room and discuss rates.

She is also conscious that further down the road you may encounter some difficult times in therapy, and she doesn't want this to coincide with a time you can't afford to continue.

She is not trying to push you away, she probably thinks weekly therapy is best for you.... and is bringing options into your awareness so you can choose..... it is this process that may well be triggering you...... your brain is mistaking someone being open and honest for someone pushing you away..... the best thing to do is to talk all this through with your current therapist.... it's all part of the work.

 

[Friday]

I think you're conflating a whole bunch of things. The 1+1=76 that PTSD often does.

This could take years > Cut therapy in half!
There are other options > She hates me!

Truly, instead of jumping to the worst possible conclusion, do try asking her.

 

[BlueOrange]

I'm in Australia, we can access ten half price sessions per year with a registered practitioner but then we have to pay the rest out of pocket ourselves.

Ask your GP for a referral to a psychiatrist who specializes in trauma. Medicare does a pretty limited run for a psychologist, but psychiatry is provided by a doctor.

My psychiatrist charges $320 for a 45 minute session. I get $185 or so back from Medicare, until I hit the Medicare Safety Net, at which point I get around $280 back. Which makes it affordable. Happy to provide the details of my Melbourne-based psychiatrist if you'd like them.

And yeah, if you have multiple parts, then you should expect to be in therapy for a few years.

 

[Teamwork]

Therapist are taught to assess whether they can go the long haul, financially, knowledge wise and ability to help. However that being said this is in my opinion something she could have said she would think about. For their ethics role it is not ethical to start with did and then midway decide you can't support your client. So if the did just came up and she has to assess her own ability to go the long haul and be of help to you that is where she is possibly at. The questions then in the next interview would be to interview her as if you were looking for a did therapist. Some of the questions you will already know the answer to others are specific to did treatment and yes can include financial burden, but also track record. Let's say you are her first, what is she prepared to do to learn with you? Are you both prepared to go in to unknown territory together? As well there is a question rising for me that suspects that either your dissociation markers were really low or she was not familiar with attuning to the possibility and assessing for it over the the past four years. Secondly the other is to understand that when you build trust as you have, parts see, hear, are observing the building and that's when they decide to show up. You have built up a way for them to feel safe enough to to come out. So your sense of starting over with someone else is pretty accurate in that the parts may recede again while you build new therapist trust should you decide to move on.

 

[Iamsensative]

I know your fears, i know its tough. I have done this to myself many times. Convinced myself that my therapist didnt want, didnt want to deal with, hated me, i was too much. He made suggestions, i automatically jumped to desertion in my mind. ask her directly, i have been quite surprised by my therapists reaction. He has reassured me many times. I know its scary, but the only way through is forward. My heart hurts for you and you need to know if she is there for you. Sending good thoughts.

 

[Muttly]

You really need to talk to your therapist about this. I know it can be incredibly hard and awkward but be as direct as possible and explain how you interpreted what was said and find out what your therapist really meant. It can help grow trust. From what you've said so far, it doesn't sound like your therapist is trying to get rid of you.

 

[Justmehere]

I have had therapy end or transfer with one therapist to another, and even in the best of circumstances, it can stir up a lot of weird and confusing and intense feelings.

I just feel like all my therapy has been a huge painful waste of time and money.

It hasn't been. This has been a good and worthwhile season and chapter in your healing. Things changing now does not take away the good work you have done with her to make so much good progress.

Regardless if you stay with her, don't do therapy at all, or find other options, I hope you talk with her about how you are feeling about all of this, and what you think it means about how she feels towards you. Some of the most healing sessions I have ever had was with a therapist who was unable to stick with my case, but we talked through why that was the case and what it meant about how she felt about me. Hint: it was nothing like I what I feared she was thinking and feeling.

 

[Dashboard]

Thank you everyone for your kind replies. My head has been all over the place the last few days. I have my next appointment in a few days and I am very nervous.

My whole life no one has ever been reliable or there for me in the way I needed and I am really scared. I was rejected repeatedly in my family of origin and suffered a lot of abuse and I really want to heal. Trusting in therapy and feeling let down is so hard.

I'm going to try my best to be open and honest at my appointment and not get triggered in to a rejection tailspin if possible. One of my little parts gets angry if she feels I am being dismissed or rejected and then I get very ashamed to have shown anger.

I'm so scared of these parts I feel like everything has exploded in my face. I'm scared to be all alone with it if my appointment goes badly. Don't know if I have the courage to try again with someone new.

I'm spiralling in to a bit of a depression because I have so many responsibilities in the "real world" too and it's hard to keep it all together.

Thanks everyone for your thoughtful responses it means a lot