Is My T Trying To Get Rid Of Me?

[Iamsensative]

Thank you everyone for your kind replies. My head has been all over the place the last few days. I have my next appo...

Hang in, we are all supporting you.

 

[Dashboard]

So had my appointment today and as I suspected my T thinks it's best I find a new practitioner she said I need someone with more training in DID.

This was upsetting and also a big shock as I wasn't aware she thinks I have DID. I thought I had some "emotional parts" as in secondary structural dissociation and complex ptsd etc, but no idea she thought it is DID.

So now I've lost my therapist after 4 years together and am trying to process that I might have DID.

Three weeks ago she told me she was "in this for the long haul".

I feel so lost. All I wanted was a safe relationship. No idea what to do now.

Trying to digest a possible DID label and I no longer even have a therapist!

Pretty broken right now

 

[BlueOrange]

The DID label is a scary one, and hard to digest. It also means that recovery will not be quick.

Your therapist does seem committed to your welfare, I can see why you want to stick with them. It may be worthwhile to get in touch with a social worker, to help you navigate the maze of healthcare and support services.

 

[Dashboard]

I guess I'm not entirely convinced I have DID and not sure why I would ever need a social worker etc.

Yes I can tell I have emotional parts in myself, but these are like different points of view, they don't have seperate identities, i don't feel like they are anything but parts of myself with emotional reactions or sometimes different view points. I never lose time and feel like I am not "myself". Sometimes I can feel triggered and go in to dissociative space where I feel scared and can't talk etc or want to run away and hide but I always am aware of this happening to myself.

I'm depressed because I'm getting random weird memory flashbacks and triggered zoning out, but only in therapy when trying to discuss childhood - rest of the time i am still fully functional in my life, able to parent, work, fulfil all my responsibilities, I have been married for over ten years, never self harm or anything like that.

I just wanted therapy to work through my childhood trauma with a therapist - I wasn't unable to function or anything...

Now I'm just very confused!!!!

 

[Suzetig]

You may or may not had DID, it's a complex diagnosis and depending on where you are in the world the diagnosis process will be different. In the U.K. for example most Ts aren't qualified to offer a diagnosis.

I hear her saying you need someone with more experience, while it's hard and hurts it's a good thing, in my view, that she can recognise being out of her depth. What happened in the past 3 weeks - was there something that might highlight her lack of existirnce or training specifically around parts? You're right in thinking having emotional parts isn't necessarily DID so try not to get caught up in diagnosis - you're still the same person you always were, nothing has changed other than someone has given you a label.

Is she going to help you find someone new and transition to them?

 

[Dashboard]

Nothing specific happened - aside from me finally trusting her enough to admit I thought I do have some traumatised emotional parts. I told her they didn't have identities or anything just felt like different points of view in my head, but all still part of me.

I feel so dumb I finally trusted her enough to admit this and now she's terminated with me. Why did I tell her!!! God!! Feel like a freak!

She said she could give me the name of someone else if I wanted it, and I was obviously bit upset but tried to be gracious and thanked her for trying to help me. I didn't take the name as I don't know if I can do this again with someone new. My trust is shattered. I'm so tired.

Then it got really awkward and I felt like we might both start to cry and so I asked could I go a bit early and I left and told her take care and just went home.

Now I'm a bit of a mess

 

[Suzetig]

I'm not surprised you feel a mess, you've had a lot to deal with - it sounds like she got scared of what might be around for you and honestly there will be another T who will understand the concept of emotional parts and be ok with it.

I know it feels like your trust has been shattered, because your trust in her has been so let yourself feel everything you need to about her and trust yourself, that when the time is right you'll be able to pick back up the work that you want to do.

 

[Teamwork]

I wonder if she can at least give you a starting point with a name of who you might contact to start seeing someone else so that you at least can fix the sense of abandonment knowing there is someone else to go to. As well it can take time to get in with some therapists so while you wait for an appointment you can work with the idea that your healing may need some new eyes, ears and solutions given towards it that this person is clearly saying can't come from her. Also remembering that dissociation is common to everyone in that we go through life on auto for much of what is rote. Some of us though, have a different or deeper dissociation response and it is outside of routine stuff and triggered by trauma or wounding. The t may have been noting this for some time and your admittance to what you thought were parts confirmed her suspicions.

 

[BlueOrange]

I guess I'm not entirely convinced I have DID and not sure why I would ever need a social worker etc.
...

You mentioned having difficulty paying for everything. Social workers can help with that - they know how to get things out of the government and community organizations.

but only in therapy when trying to discuss childhood - rest of the time i am still fully functional in my life,

In that case, quite seriously, why are you seeing a therapist at all? If you don't have a problem, then why are you spending time and effort on it?

 

[Dashboard]

I'm seeing a therapist because one of my children died a few years ago.

Also more recently a close family member is terminally ill. It was when discussing my family member's illness that all these weird behaviours and memories from childhood started to surface - taking both myself and my T by surprise.

 

[Beaglefan61]

Hey there Dashboard. DID can be pretty scary for some people. Dissociation can also be a matter of degree. I have parts, but all parts of me are coconscious. There is a difference between that and having alts whose memories i don't remember. For you whatever degree that is, it is so you can have a part of you to carry on when needed. I have known fully DID multiple types who were integrated who healed and others who were less fragmented than that who healed..The big thing i guess is that wherever the pain is, you get the loving support and safety you need for that pain to be healed. Having parts can be scary at first glance. It all comes to healing the pain where it is with the type of people around you that you need for this. I hope that part will go well for you.

 

[kilted]

There's something weird going on.... from your first post it seemed that the therapist had identified that the therapy might take a while, and was checking this out with you. You mentioned the financial impact and then felt that the therapist was moving away because they didn't offer reduced rate.

Now it seems as if the therapist has made a diagnosis of DID (which is not something a therapist is usually trained to do in the UK) and therapy seems to be ending. This is odd. There is no actual diagnosis yet, and I would hope that your therapist would help you through the process of obtaining one and talking through the issues that might raise.

It is true that a therapist should refer on if they feel outside their ability, so that is a good sign, but there is something odd about how this is happening. I would also ask some hard questions about why your therapist feels outside their area of competence. Have they discussed this with their supervisor?? It may be that the supervisor doesn't have a good grasp of the issues since they have only recently arisen.