Is my vet's ptsd to blame for my sons behavior?

[Hudowe]

Our son, who is going to five years this year, has been acting out lately.
He is a lovely little guy, makes friends easily, likes to help others. He is smart and has taught himself how to read and write. He has a big heart, but currently he is a very active kid. He likes to climb things and it is hard to keep him from doing so.

His daycare teacher is not to happy with him because she constantly has to keep him from climbing things and from grappling with other boys (which starts as a game but sometimes continues until somebody - often our boy - cries).
The teacher overheard him say that he threatened other boys to "give them PTSD". She does not know his father has PTSD and I did not tell her.
He told the other kids that construction sites (one of his daddy's triggers are dangerous). When the teacher disagreed he got quite enraged, told her she was being "sheeple" and that he was smarter then her.

The teacher keeps telling us we need to be stricter, but both of us especially his Dad are already very strict. I am totally at the end of my rope about him always climbing things and fighting and doing things like using nearly anything (cars, dolls, books) as some kind of pretend weapon when he is playing.

At home he is not allowed to climb things, we have a very strict no climbing policy, because he has hurt himself in the past when he fell.
He is a kid who actually does not have much self esteem and he wants to be well behaved. When his Dad is around he watches his every movement and for sure he is a kid who wants to please other people. He has been sad about what has been happening in the day care and has asked me "why his teacher does not like him".

I do not know what to do. We are already that strict, my husband sometimes acts like a drill sergeant on him. At home I can cope with him quite well. He wants to please other people, but in the daycare where is less supervision he acts the way I just described.

:(

 

[Iba]

Climbing on stuff sounds kind of fun. Also maybe kind of normal. Is there a way that he can have a time and a place to do it safely? Would he be interested in taking up one of the martial arts?

The business about construction sites being 'dangerous' his dad might have to work on a little. There's a difference between thinking or feeling like construction sites (or what ever) are dangerous and them actually being dangerous. Accuracy matters. For everyone. Including your husband. Telling his teacher that he's smarter than she is...... First, I'd expect that's something you get from a kid that age. They probably need to learn that often (but not always) THAT isn't accurate either. It's also the kind of thing that you might expect to have consequences.

What's your idea of 'strict'?

 

[Hudowe]

Hudowe here. I forgot to mention that "risk taking" is a part of my Vet's PTSD but he managed to stop some of his risk taking behaviours.

 

[Vujeku]

What kinds of risk taking behaviors? Is your son around him when he's engaged in these things?

Is there a lot of stress or emotional dyregulation in the home?

 

[Hudowe]

I think I did not bring my point across very well. The problem is not that he climbs, but that he climbs absolutely everything... no matter how high, no matter how dangerous, no matter if it was made for climbing and sometimes jumps down and hurts himself. Sometimes he falls and he has ended up in hospital in the past. He has poor judgement if climbing something is dangerous or not.

 

[Hudowe]

A number of risk taking behaviours. He used to drives his motorcycle like a mad man and our son has heard us quarrel about this... but it is better now.
He enjoys a number of risky sport such as freeclimbing. Yes, I know :(... and paragliding. He went bunjee jumping.

His diet is lousy. He never goes to the doctor.

He thinks risk taking has become a kind of addiction for him and tries to fight it

 

[Hudowe]

My idea of strict. I am very strict about rules being rules and he is not allowed to break them. No exception. And if I tell him not to do something he is not allowed to do it not matter if he thinks that it makes sense.

I used to be more relaxed but people have been telling me he acts out and I became stricter and stricter.

 

[Oradu]

Can you explain what you mean by strict? It is actually possible to be too strict.

Kids *sometimes* act out when there is a lot of chaos or stress at home. *Not all acting out is due to that though.*

I've nannied young boys of a professional motorcross driver who didn't have PTSD but did all kinds of sports. They were rambunctious, much like you describe, but there wasn't anything wrong with them or the parents. Lots of parents avoid the doctor. I'm not saying any of this is ok, but he risk taking behaviors themselves I don't think are the problem. Stopping the risk taking behaviors will still leave the underlying emotions and stress he might be feeling.

If your husbands symptoms are very obvious to your son, and there is a lot of dyregulation of emotions for your husband at home, that might be playing a role. If your son is aware of and around his dad while engaged in risk taking behaviors in any kind of super depressed or flippant about life fashion, he could be mimicking his dad's way of dealing with feeling stressed.

He may be picking up words like "sheeple" from the adults around him, and that can happen with or without PTSD. It might be worthwhile to ask the adults around him to be more mindful of what they talk about around him. Kids are sponges when it comes to picking up on things going on with the adults around them, especially parents or primary caregivers.

Preschool age kids are very concrete and magical thinkers. I nannied a different little kid who was terrified of his preschool's potty because it had an elephant on the wall "and it's watching me when I potty." It took a lot of work to sort it out so that he stop wetting his pants at school, and it wasn't a simple mater of needing more discipline. More exacting rules are not always the sole solution for rambunctious kiddos.

Some kiddos are super active, and maybe he needs a different preschool that will help him find outlets for his energy. Not every daycare is great for super active kids. Some of what you describe is actually normal little kid behavior. Many little boys turn everything into a weapon and climb everything. Yes, everything.

Some kids have ADHD or other issues going on too - but I'd seriously hesitate on thinking this is a clinical issue at this point in time. It might be worth talkng to a child psych about, but be careful about quickly jumping to meds. Kids are super over medicated in some countries.

It's really hard to say what is going on for sure... but what I think is clear is that you are very concerned about what is happening, and you are finding that escalating the rules and punishment isn't working well enough alone. I wouldn't try to look to *blame* this or that, but try to focus on this isn't working, and finding something more effective to manage what's going on.

Maybe try a different daycare and if the problems persist, then move on to getting some outside help.

Your son may need some extra help and guidance, rather than just stricter rules, and having someone explain to him things more at his developmental level. Many parents struggle with this, and it might be worthwhile getting some outside help who has more professional training than a daycare teacher to advise on this. I used to be a daycare teacher in the US, and the training is minimal. I'd really advise a consult with someone with more expertise about how to handle this.

I'd also suggest avoid labeling him as a bad kid. He's not, and working on how to handle this now so that he doesn't internalize that he is a bad kid will help him have greater success over the long haul.

I'd also suggest avoiding shaming his dad with the idea that his PTSD is to blame for his son's behavior. That's a guilt trip that is likely to backfire. I'd instead try to hold boundaries with what you need in the marriage in terms of him taking care of himself - and perhaps seeing a family or couples therapist to work on this all together.

 

[Begeki]

(Iba here)

I understood what you meant about climbing. I was thinking it might work better to say "climbing is allowed HERE, but not THERE." Or not anywhere other than approved locations. Because he sounds like a high energy kid who likes to climb and I'm not sure there's anything inherently wrong with that.

Is your husband in therapy?

The whole 'risk taking' thing is complicated. Or it seems that way to me. For example, my job strikes some people as dangerous. Does that mean I shouldn't do it? I have a tendency to lose track of how fast I'm driving too. That can get me a ticket (or worse), but it might be 'normal'. I ALSO, when something is bothering me, can use an aggressive form of driving as kind of a safety valve. (Or a half ass shot at accidentally killing myself.) Those kinds of things I'd call not quite normal & a problem to be addressed. But they seem like different things, to me.

A lot of what your husband enjoys seems pretty ok to me. (And I'm still chuckling about the diet and doctor parts, because it never dawned on me that was 'risk taking' and I may be in more trouble than I knew.) BUT, those kinds of hobbies do strike a lot of people as dangerous, I get that. And, I get the whole 'adrenaline junkie' thing too. Again, I'm not sure, by itself, that it's bad. To me, it depends on what's behind it.

What was your husband like in his 'pre-PTSD' life, if he had one?

Your definition of 'strict' sounds like what I'd call 'consistent', and that seems like the way to go.

 

[Hudowe]

Daycares have Long waiting lists where I live. I am not to pleased with this one but have no other choice.
My Vet was an active kid. He has told me, but his risk taking attitude was caused by his PTSD. He became addicted to feeling scared.
He has shared with me that he is always feeling scared. Always feeling like there is a lot of adrenaline in his system and sometimes he feels the need to do something scarier in order to calm down. I did not really understand it. It is like relaxing feels dangerous for him, because if you relax bad things might happen.

I think refusing to see a medical doctor is very dangerous by the way.

Strict. We tell him there are certain rules and he has to obey the rules. No exceptions. If he does not there will be consequences. We take privileges away from him or he has to do household chores he dislikes.

 

[Apuza]

Your husband likes to climb right?

What if your husband took your son out (or all three of you, whichever you prefer) to go climbing? Proper climbing. Either out in the country somewhere, or at one of those indoor climbing walls?
It sounds like your son really idolises his dad. Maybe if dad (and mum) takes him out climbing, teaches him how to climb safely using harnesses, ropes, carabiner and any other kit needed for that. Seeing that safe climbing is important to his father (and you, if you decide to join them). Might get it through to him. Plus he'll probably really enjoy it.

The upside if it can be a regular thing, besides being quality family time, it can also become "leverage", should he break the "no climbing on dangerous shit" rule. ;)

 

[Ihon]

The big question is how much of your sons behavior is also seen in your husband? I wouldn't ---just--- chalk this up to normal childhood development. The condescending tone of "sheeple" is what sticks out here as I've read SO many posts here about how sufferers look down on "normal people" (you KWIM) and use condescending terms like "sheeple". Let's just say I grew up around people who had this same sort of attitude and it sticks with me to this day and causes me issues.