Is my vet's ptsd to blame for my sons behavior?

[Bafi]

Our son, who is going to five years this year, has been acting out lately.
He is a lovely little guy, makes friends ea...

Hudowe. I can understand your son. I am a Veteran and the son of a drill sarge. I have my own veteran PTSD issues but most of my problems were grown from being the son of a drill sarge. I still have problems with not doing things well enough to suit myself. There is so many things that it did to me but I can say that I still have grown up to be a honest hard working man. Make sure he is doing things to a level that suits him and not his father. That is father praises him when he does things correctly. That is the main thing that you have to instill in him is that he is doing things right. Don't make him live up to a level that is not obtainable.

 

[Tori]

*Wow* Thanks for all the answers,

Being snobby and bossy is part of my dhs PTSD. I am sure that it does not happen to everyonr with PTSD. On the other hand: I have met a lot of people with PTSD and in all honesty I can say that I never have seen so many snobby people intone Roma before then I did when I met some friends he made at a yoga class for people with PTSD.
There suddenly was such a feeling of superiority in the air... and when I later entered the roo again, a room in my own house by the way, they gave me... "hostile stares" like "there comes one of the sheeple"... and one, without introducing himself to me, said "Sorry, ma'am. We want to be among ourself. Please leave now" and closed the door in my face. Don't get me wrong. It's okay to be wanting to be among yourselves, but I like the people who kick me out of one of my own rooms at least to introduce themselves to me before they do just that and i like to have the opportunity to say something before a door is closed in my face.

I noticed that my dh becomes far more bossy when he is feeling bad. I can tell how he is feeling by his degree of snobbyness and business. The more superior he acts, the lousier he feels.

Having said this I do not think every PTSD sufferer does even notice that he is being snobby or bossy. I think most would say they arejust having a healthy self-esteem.

@Arule: Is your vet "alt right"? Mine is not but he is very conservative and the worse his PTSD gets, the more conservative he gets about things... and that includes non political things... like when he sees a guy with sagging trousers... and he says nothing when he is in earshot, but later he just gives an angry rant.
BTW as a college educated person I think i can understand why some people cannot stand college grads, because some college grads act in a way towards other people that would be seen as racist if they weren't another class but another race.

@Bafi: Our daycare teacher keeps telling me we are not being strict enough on our son. She thinks we just let him run wild and have to introduce more rules, but I have no idea how we could be any stricter. Yes, I think his father does not praise him enough. He uses to say well behaviour is just what he expects of his children (and no need to mention it). I have to talk with him again. I know that this question is very personal, it could you tell me what your issues as child of a soldier were. Something similar to the things our son does?

 

[Ovamaf]

There is a saying that is something along the lines of; the best behaved kids in the classroom are holy terrors at home. The holy terrors in school are on their best behavior at home.

Basically, kids from overly strict homes tend to act out at school. Of cause this is a gross generalization, but I think it might apply here.

As for your husband's PTSD friends, I would like to suggest that you might be misinterpreting anxiety and hyper-vigilance as snobbishness? The hostile stares might not have been hostile but nervousness and a lack of social skills. Although the person who told you to leave was a total douche and should have asked you husband to speak with you if they didn't want to be disturbed.

I have to be honest, the more I hear about your husband them more I understand your original post and concerns. I have a much different perspective now than I did from that first post.

 

[Cosuzo]

I noticed that my dh becomes far more bossy when he is feeling bad. I can tell how he is feeling by his degree of snobbyness and business. The more superior he acts, the lousier he feels.

Like the previous poster, I'm going to toss in an alternative explanation. One of the things I've gained from reading the 'supporter' threads is an appreciation for how differently things might look inside and outside your head.

A lot of PTSD comes down to threat perception. If you see a situation as highly threatening, it sets of reactions to go with that. Being "bossy" might be one of those. Especially if YOU perceive something as threatening and no one else in the area seems to get it. Their inability to perceive the 'threat' might also make them seem "stupid" from your point of view. (You might want to read Anthony's "stress cup" thing, if you haven't.) It doesn't matter if the threat is objectively real or not. You react exactly the same way, even if the threat only exists in your head. I think this is particularly likely to be a problem where the PTSD person is used to be responsible for others. I think I've noticed it gets mentioned a lot with ex-military people. There's a great book, "Once a Warrior Always a Warrior" that gives a pretty good explanation of this stuff, it might help both you AND your husband.

That the teacher thinks you son needs MORE rules bothers me. He still sounds like a good kid to me. He maybe needs to work on how he interacts with others (never a good idea to call a teacher a 'sheeple', for a lot of reasons. LOL) But learning that stuff seems like a normal part of childhood. Kids aren't BORN knowing that stuff, just like anything else, they need to learn it. That he's learned some of it from his dad isn't abnormal either. That's the way it's supposed to work. But, dad might be well advised to work on the example he's setting with some of that stuff. I suggested martial arts earlier and am going to suggest it again. At their best, they combine physical activity with self control, discipline, and respect for self and others.

 

[Hasu]

This is Arule again.
My sufferer isn't alt-right...yet. The more he spirals into his symptoms and the more he isolates, the closer he is getting. He dumped me back in January, and we finally separated 2 months ago, and he's been going deeper into that rabbit hole ever since.

I always told myself that would be my prime deal breaker, the point of "nope, can't get back together," when he starts apologizing for neo-fascists. He's started down that path. And it's heartbreaking.

 

[Ekutof]

Arule one more time...
Heh I can see the contempt for college folks too. I was going to become a career academic once upon a time (and work with them now, with my lowly B.A.), but didn't because of the attitude that can (not everyone all the time, but the ivory tower has its personalities) go with it. But, the majority of the people he loves are college educated and would never lord it over anyone. We're all still lemmings, regardless.

 

[Gobem]

Considering how often I see "We're not all alike! Never compare us!" I find it ironic that I also see "I would never do that!" so therefor, neither should anyone else.

Can I like this comment a million times?

 

[Wuva]

I've a little one the same age, and my husband has cPTSD.

The amazing attitude that has developed in her this year in incredible: frustrating, and wonderful. She's trying on different ways to be. Sometimes I worry about particular difficult aspects that come from my partner's PTSD behaviours, or from our relationship: but even if that is so, what can I do to change that? His PTSD isn't going anywhere.

Two particular tricks that have worked really well (most of the time) are instead of telling her what not to do, to tell her what she should do, or how to do it, or what she can do instead. Redirecting her energy and attention, rather than blocking it. If I try to block it, it'll just pop up somewhere else!

I do find it hard sometimes when it feels like I am having to protect her and my husband from each other: there are times they seem to trigger each other at the same time! If I can see my husband is getting upset with my kiddo being... well, a kid, I'll very calmly ask him to please let me handle this one.

I find the biggest challenge is around obedience/feelings: who knows if it comes from PTSD or not, but my husband really struggles when my daughter doesn't listen, is 'disobedient', or has a meltdown/tantrum. I suspect a lot of that comes from, when he was her age, not listening, being disobedient, or having any type of emotional expression evoked a life-threatening response from his so-called carers. So there's the feeling he has that what she is doing is dangerous (because it was for him), and that she should be able to control those behaviours (because he was able to). He's starting to understand that his expectations of a young child are not always reasonable, and that her risk taking is essential for her to learn her own physical abilities and boundaries.

I'm also not at all convinced being stricter is the answer. For sure that can work (sometimes at least) in the immediate moment, but I get the sense it's not the immediate moment you are worried about, as you say he behaves well for you. I think maybe it's about finding a way for him to be able to manage his own behavior. Fear is one powerful motivator (fear of disapproval, punishments, losing something), but more effective for me has been working with my little to get her to want to behave well for her own reasons, so that even if I'm not around, even if she wouldn't "get caught", she'd still do well. It's much more work in the moment (and sooo many moments!), but pays off much bigger in the long run. So I often explain to her (in simple, short sentences) why we have a particular rule, or must/can't do something. Takes time. Doesn't work all the time, but I'm not in this parenthood gig for the short term, but to help her grow into a decent and healthy adult.
I also pay a lot of attention to making sure she has space to have her emotions, and express them rather than bottle them up or hide them. Doesn't mean she'll get her way, but she has permission to be upset about not getting her way (or be terribly upset that her favourite shoes no longer fit!!) I mean, when I don't get my way, with 40 years experience in life, I certainly don't always behave with grace. How on earth can I expect my 4 year old to not show her upset!

Also with regard to the daycare teacher... hmm. When I was a kid, my kindergarten teacher (so when I was 4-5 years old) was absolutely convinced I was deeply psychologically damaged, for the following reasons:

• I liked jumping out of boxes
• I liked drawing pictures of spiders
• I liked black paintings

Actually, it was just me playing jack in the box, spiders are super fun to draw with all those legs, and my paintings were layers of lots of colours that made black, but when I scratched with a fingernail showed rainbow colours. She was experienced with lots of kids, but even experienced people can get it wrong, or impose their world views on parenting.

With the playing styles, there's a brilliant book I have called "The Playground is like a Jungle", which explores the different ways people can play together, good and bad, which could be a great conversation starter with your son.

Best of luck - this parenting gig is hard work at the best of times!