Relationship Is Our Separation Also A Result Of His Ptsd?

[hesmylove]

My husband decided it was best for us to separate. This was 4 months ago. He took most of his everyday items with him, but he still comes around to check up on things in our home.

He's currently living with his mother and he has been diagnosed with PTSD. We were having arguments the past several months over household chores and the fact we were having difficulty getting pregnant.


I had a traumatic childhood which did affect my decision to be a mother or not.

After he walked out, I felt so hopeless and lost. I never imagined that my marriage would be going through this. I know marriage isn't easy, but these are issue's that can be worked on and have been worked on.

I've begun doing everything that he said I failed to do and I've even started seeing a psychologist regarding my childhood issue.

I do want a family with my husband. In fact, he's accompanied me on a couple appointments that are in regards to family planning.

In the beginning he refused to go to marriage counseling with me or seek any other type of help. I do remember asking him a few days after if there's any possibility that his PTSD could be part of the problem and he said he didn't think so.

So, if I've addressed the issue's he was so upset about, why hasn't he returned?

Why does he keep saying, he needs more time? More time for what? He doesn't mention anything about his PTSD, but I have read how this can affect a relationship and these signs and symptoms are some that I've seen him exhibit.

Another thing, we have spoken on working things out and taking things slow last month. We've spent time together and it's been great, but then it may be too much for him to handle right now and he pulls away. Why?

I love my husband. He's the person I want to be with for the rest of my life. What can I do to help him when he only wants to communicate with me on his terms?

 

[hesmylove]

My husband has been diagnosed with combat related PTSD.

 

[I'll make tea]

Why do you want a family so soon?

 

[hesmylove]

We've been married for over three years. I learned about my childhood issue when I wad 13. It's not really, an issue. I was adopted and I wasn't sure I could love my own child knowing that I had been placed up for adoption. I've had many years to reflect on this but my appointments with my psychologist has put things into perspective.

 

[arfie]

My marriage is far more complex than a single psycho-label. The separations, even more so. I can't count how many times I have run away from him. My husband finally admitted he often gives my diagnosis full credit for everything he disapproves of in our marriage. The counselor who helped him with this calls it, "Identified Patient Syndrome." I might love his counselor even more than I ever loved any of my own and I never even met the man. Our co-healing has progressed mightily since the focus shifted from him fixing a broken doll to two people in love working it out.

Gentle hugs, hesmylove. Marriage is a challenge, but I think its worth it.
Its not about being perfect. Its about working it out.

 

[Promicarus]

@hesmylove

Welcome to the forum, and so glad you're beginning to learn about PTSD--especially considering your role as a partner in relationship with a sufferer. As a someone with longstanding cPTSD (childhood),PTSD(adult, violence related) dagnoses--and veteran of a number of relationships with partners with no understanding of the condition--I'm convinced that almost every relationship between one suffering from
any significant degree of trauma-related symptoms and another without real knowledge on the subject is doomed--eventually, even if it is allowed to scrape bottom for years before dissolving. So god-on-ya for putting forth the first efforts at opening that door and walking through it. There is a world behind that door, which can only be understood through applied exploration, but you've made important first steps.

He's currently living with his mother and he has been diagnosed with PTSD. We were having arguments the past several months over household chores and the fact we were having difficulty getting pregnant.

You didn't mention any exact reason for your separation, but the above statement seems to have been your understanding of the reason for his decision to separate.

Arguing affects PTSD sufferers in ways very different from the normal set of reactions experienced by the average person. That may be the first thing you should keep in mind. Because of the brain-changes that occur in PTSD, sufferers become very sensitive to stress.
What seems like a small, insignificant conflict between you--and may well be, in the experience of the average person--can easily reach proportions of unbearable stress and unbearable agitation for the PTSD sufferer. Have you ever heard of someone "just going off?", and becoming violent, in a kind of "black-out", in which they just lash out? I don't know if your husband is capable or likely to do so...and certainly not every PTSD sufferer is in immediate danger of doing so....but this term was made-to-order for what happens in PTSD sufferers when they reach a "breaking point".

And it's difficult to begin to think in terms that your significant other has a "lower breaking point", that we should then be aware of, and respect---it feels alot like "babying" the person...or, as often "walking on eggshells" around them...which can be interpreted by the other person as "giving up their power", and "allowing the other person off the hook" too easily.

But that's because the supporter is still thinking of the sufferer in terms of "needing to be/act like a normal person". After all-they don't have a bandage on their head, or a cast on a limb--nothing that's obvious to the eye, and so stamped with a kind of "Dr's approval", which has to be acknowledged and respected. Even worse, the injury is to parts of the brain having to do with emotion, reactions, and especially-emotional reactions...These are things which are usually associated with the immature, or those too weak to "just use willpower" to overcome them, which makes it all the harder to want to think in terms of a loved one being subject to such a "lack of control".

But PTSD is a real brain-injury, in the sense that it dramatically alters neurophysiology on a long-term basis, and I'm so glad you've begun to reach out for sources that can help you understand it on a deeper level, to help not only yourself, but your loved one--and improve the quality of your relationship, and its probability of remaining healthy and viable.

There is a supporter's section of this forum, and many resources for supporters of PTSD online. Feel free to PM me at any time, for help, and again, welcome. It's always good to hear from supporters of loved ones with PTSD, as encouragement for those of us with the condition, who may need help from time to time seeing things from our supporter's point of view, as well.