Is Pride Acceptable?

[Bloomy]

Stopped reading rest of comments after @Ragdoll Circus comment that how many of us here allows messages of support and compassion sink in.

But first - It makes me angry on your behalf Ragdoll. You so not deserve this. Im angry that youve been put through this by such an abusive asshole both mental as well as fysical and that it left you these scars to overcome.

Well - I was actually thinking about this the other day after people here was so nice to me on some thread I wrote and I wasnt able to take it in. I logged of and had a good thought about it. For me its one issue that this is online. But then I realised that people here are genuine. They would not smear just in the name of smearing me. Its just the resistance within me of course Ive been called the same as you and it cuts really deep into my core to belive I am something else. Something worthy. Or / and someone others can percive as worthy.

Offline I spend many years working through this. Ive come so far I can accept others compliments. Came to that point cause I understood that others have the right to have their meaning even if it counterparted my own. Then I slowly realised that if so many people say the same things about me maybe there is something right in it? That my own self belive is obscured? That I was brainwashed into beliving something I were not to be their scapegoat. To be the one they can do what they want with?

I still struggle with the fact that Im lovable do. I was thinking of this only yesterday. The love your self thing. Was going to make a post about it but havent yet. I just wonder how can one learn to love one self with out first reciving the love from some other human? I mean when you havent recived it in childhood? It means you will have no clue what this so called self love is all about? They say you should not look outward for acceptance but find it within your self. But if your inner self is full of this brainwashed self belive and hatred and lothaing there is nothing in there that can give any kind of love?
So maybe its then that people like me and maybe you first have to see, hear and accept the love and acceptance from others for there by to integrate this into self love? Atleast speaking for my self I think its this way. With out some one else to show me the way I have no clue so what ever what all this self love is all about.

Im sorry If this was messy.

Take well care Ragdoll. I hope you can accept that to me you have been a great support and some one I look up to as a wise and reflective person and thereby some one through I can learn more about myself.

Read the rest of comments and want to add - I also used to replicate what they did to me. But as I accepted others compliments and accpetance of me I slowly started to grasp that I were something else then what they tried to turn me into. Slowly I let go of it. Took me many years Ill say that. Think the last was only last year. But then I was down to one encounter a year. And It just doomed to my what the hell am I doing to my self and why. Now Im finally done. Im not what they told me. Im going to fight my self back to the one I were supposed to be. To the glimpse of this little girl I was before they destroyed my self belive. And the figh will be to become the grown up version of this little girl.
One that I can be proud of. And f...k anyone else for saying I can not be proud of that. Arrogance its not the same as self pride.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

I have a huge issue with pride. I cant accept any sort of compliment, at all and also if I am around a very prideful person which comes off as being "uppity" to me, that pisses me off as I think they think they are better than me. I think that's a bit of distorted thinking of mind reading. So I dont know.

I do think that one with a ton of pride do sometimes come off as "Im better than you" but maybe just my issue.

I do share this 'compliment' issue though.

 

[Sideways]

This one is still a really difficult topic for me. @Bloomy - thank you for your comments. Took a couple of days to sit with them and venture back! I think being loved and accepted by others would be huge for my healing, probably never really replace being loved and accepted as a child, but if I could allow others to love me, without putting up that wall of "but they don't really know me", knowing I am loveable would definitely boost my self confidence.

I'm actually still in a place where I just can't afford to let people in though. My apartment has post-it notes everywhere (for several months now!) trying to convince me that I'm not a completely toxic she-devil, but it's such a core part of my self concept that it's not budging much. I haven't self-harmed since April (counting the days like an alcoholic counts their days of sobriety!), and forcing myself not to do that again is like this ginormous first step towards learning to like myself. Can't really learn to like myself until I can at least treat myself like a decent human...or so the theory goes.

@lostforgottensoul - I totally know what you're getting at. People who seem naturally self-confident have a bit of a sting. I think it's just plain jealousy in my case. And I always try to remind myself that someone coming across as confident probably still has their demons. And maybe their demons aren't as nasty as mine, but save for the diagnosable Narcissists among us, I think everyone carries at least some self-doubt in some areas? That's what being human is, right? Idk, but I'd give my right arm to be one of those people who puts themselves forward for that promotion because they believe they're worth it, or chats confidently with strangers because they believe they're a likeable human being.

It comes down to another one of those double standards we create though, yeah? Like, self-confidence is fine for everyone else, but not for me. Being loved and successful is perfect for everyone else, but not for me.

When I was a kid, people used to say things like "take pride in your work/appearance/whatever". But the thought of that still turns my stomach.

Looking inthe mirror, and seeing my reflection for what it is, and liking that person? Doesn't feel acceptable. Looking in the mirror is still just an exercise in self-loathing.

Maybe in a year I'll be able to come at the concept a little differently. But pride & self-confidence is a tough nut to figure out.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

Maybe in a year I'll be able to come at the concept a little differently. But pride & self-confidence is a tough nut to figure out.

Indeed it is. Im not sure its jealousy for me or not. I dont feel im jealous of those that get me but man, does over confidence get me.

I had a long look at that recently and i think its mind reading of "they are wanting to hurt me by making me feel horrible about myself" or some shit like that. Usually its mind reading of some sort. One of the worst distorted thinking pattern i think i have.

Hey, thats a step foward as i was struggling to find my distorted thinking and what they fit into etc.

 

[Sideways]

@lostforgottensoul - oh yeah! That person's self-confidence has nothing to do with you Ragdoll! Actually their self-confidence is really all about them, and their relationship with themselves:cautious:

It's a hard thing to assimilate. I mean, when was I ever abused by someone who WASN'T dripping with self-confidence at the time!?

 

[lostforgottensoul]

I haven't self-harmed since April (counting the days like an alcoholic counts their days of sobriety!),

I just saw this (and its totally fine to count the days, i do the same) and thats awesome!

I dont know how to be proud of myself about anything. I dont know how to allow others to be proud of me. I always say "thank you" but think in my head "they are just saying that to make me feel good" or some form of that. I do know how to take pride in what i own but that only goes so far.

Someone real prideful (i think that goes beyond someone with a lot of confidence but may not) always sting.

I dont know, pride is such a weird thing with me. I think it is but being too prideful, i think, is to think you are better than others, and thats not good. But so that you dont have confidence that takes you above an even playing field with others i think its good and needed, as those of us that lack it, i think, always feel below others, you know?

Forgive my ramblings. It just has me thinking, sorry!