Is Pride Acceptable?

[Tinyflame]

Well @Ragdoll Circus you do deserve it. :hug:

 

[anonymous]

Totally get and understand the double coated solid Teflon shield. Sadly.

 

[Ronin]

@Ragdoll Circus: Assume everything the abusers said was sack of shit, because they are abusers, not reliable source of information or life lessons.

Where does that get you about pride? ;)

 

[Ronin]

I'm guessing I'm not the only one with a pretty state-of-the-art Compassion Deflector Shield going on.

The beautiful thing: that shield changes material if you just let it. The compassion sinks in with time & repetition if not more /actively/ deflected.

/Journeyer on the alike journey.

 

[Sideways]

@Cashew
may as well be completely honest:blackeye:

Assume everything your abuser -

Info going in stops, head takes over.

I'm calling him 'my abuser' because that's how I need to start seeinfg him. But honestly, the idea that he might've been mying to me, my head won't touch that with a 10 foot pole. I'm still trying to forgive myself for calling him 'my abuser' & stop myself from leaping to his defence every time someone else suggests it.

7 years of full time therapy & counting, & still a long long way to go:(

 

[Ronin]

may as well be completely honest

Totally understandable and relatable and no shame in that, Ragdoll C.

What moments did you find him pathetic, or not as awesome as in all the other, not worth defending?

Can you find those moments, and how you referred to him in your head during?

 

[Sideways]

@Cashew
I'll have to give that some thought - maybe there's a time in there somewhere that I haven't wanted to acknowledge. Off the top of my head, the closest I can get is the day when I realised he was done with me (moved on to another younger girl) & wasn't ever going to talk to me again. But that was more devastation than anything.

He was (is) classic psychopath, & I was smitten. Still am really. When I 'self-harm', I engage in 'activities' that help me prove to myself that I'm everything that he tried to make me, & I can do what he taught me perfectly now.

Hmm, that's gotta be interfering with my self-confidence I think:tdown:

 

[Ronin]

that help me prove to myself that I'm everything that he tried to make me

But that's the thing: He was only working with what and who you are, already. Who you always could be. Without him or with him in the way; it's all about you, not about him, that he brought out some parts of your potential doesn't make him someone who 'made you' that; it makes you someone who made yourself, and can continue on making yourself better in any direction you need and want to accomplish, sans his interference.

 

[Sideways]

Not gonna bail out just yet...

The last post was a bit misleading. My preferred method of self-harm is hooking up with sadists via bdsm chat sites. They replicate what he did and how he treated me pretty well. And yeah, I'm pretty good at pulling off everything they tell me to do/want to do to me. Yuck.

Even so, I'm thinking what you're saying still applies. And it's kind of, like, 'big' if you know what I mean

 

[Ronin]

And it's kind of, like, 'big' if you know what I mean

Let it steep, then? Give yourself time to break that new realizations you're getting to into smaller pieces and what all in your life they can move in some way, don't have to bite it all at once, smaller bits work as well.

 

[Sideways]

@Cashew
Can't tell you how grateful I am for that exchange. Need time out now, but it was really generous of you to talk me through that - thank you:)

 

[Ronin]

@Ragdoll Circus, you're welcome and the gratitude it's been a helpful convo, is mine. ;)