sun seeker
Diamond Member
I don't know where to begin this, it's all so complicated, so I'll just jump in and try to make it as clear as possible.
So besides more severe abuse, which I mostly don't remember clearly, one of my major sources of CPTSD is ongoing neglect by my family over a long period of time, my whole life really. Each incident in isolation sounds like not all that much and I used to get embarrassed talking about it because to take one incident and then describe how much pain I am in makes it seem like I am making mountains out of molehills. I'm now trying to look at the bigger picture, which is that a whole lot of molehills really do make a mountain and if I am in so much pain, there is a reason why. I just gave someone else that advice on another thread so now I am repeating it to myself.
Well, I know neglect is a huge trigger for me because of how I feel when it is repeated, even inadvertently. And I know where it came from. My family is just so empty, so devoid of love. It's like somehow having an open heart and giving love to others is something they can't afford. When you are five years old and you try to express your needs and ask for nurturing and don't get it, okay, once in a while that can happen. But when that is your reality over and over and over that is what you come to expect and then you believe you don't deserve to have your needs met, that what you need is wrong, that you are bad and flawed and hardly deserve to live, and you attract people into your life who reflect that, and the cycle goes on. My father is dead, but my mother and I have writing letters back and forth for a year, trying to find some common ground.
My mother is a complicated, confusing person. She has a generous side, and when I remember this I feel guilty to have any complaints. She's helped me a lot in some practical ways. But then she also has a side that is incredibly callous and immature. It was sort of like growing up with an alcoholic. You never knew when an explosion was going to come, or whether what was fine yesterday would trigger a raging tantrum tomorrow. There was an incident when I was nine where I learned pretty much that I was on my own, that I had to take over being the parent because my parents sure weren't doing their job. Blatant neglect like when I told them I was suicidal and they listened very nicely and then walked away and never did anything about it or mentioned it again. I grew up, moved out, had other experiences, but the expectation of being treated like a non-entity is still there all the time. I have such a hard time trusting anyone, I am waiting for the other shoe to drop all the time, and it often does. What really gets to me is that my mother continues to be oblivious to there being any problem or anything she needs to change, and it doesn't matter what anyone does or says, it's like she has blinders on. Every time I try to tell her something that is important to me and she doesn't respond, it triggers my abandonment issues.
About a year ago I wrote her a letter where I told her about the abuse I was remembering and said that I didn't want to see her because I can't be vulnerable around her: the only way we can be in the same room is when I am strong enough to at least have my life together on some level. Having her see me in obvious distress and not act like she cares is just too painful. She asked me to explain what I meant. She actually wanted examples, so I gave them to her. For several months since then in many letters I have tried to explain. Each time I get a letter back from her I cry for days because it is so obvious that she still doesn't get it and that is still such a trigger for me. I'm not being nasty or calling her names or anything like that, but I've repeatedly asked for one thing: that she recognize the damage and take responsibility for it, and tell me what she is willing to do to improve our relationship so it doesn't keep happening, before I am able to see her again.
I should mention that I have a sister who cut off all communication with the family many years ago. Maybe she realized there was no possibility of getting what she needed and decided to cut her losses and build a life elsewhere. My mother lost a daughter over the dysfunction in our family and is coming very close to losing another, but she still isn't able to take responsibility for her actions. When I've pressed, she just gets hostile. I don't think I've ever heard a sincere apology in our family. I was in my twenties before I experienced how sweet reconciliation can be when someone hurts another person, realizes it, and apologizes sincerely. The relationship gets stronger. That never happens in our family. Conflict is never resolved, it just adds up and festers until there are currents of resentment in every interaction. A few letters ago my mother kind of sort of apologized for some things she did to me, but in a way that still makes me out to be the problem. Simultaneously there have been several things she has done that show me she is none the wiser, like for instance handing over a very personal letter from me to an alternative practitioner she thought might help with my physical PTSD symptoms, without asking my permission or recognizing where those symptoms came from. It's like on one level she does care, but skillfully skirts around the need to actually take any responsibility or change her behaviour. Both a friend and my mom's counselor have apparently advised her to just tell me sincerely that she's sorry, but she's avoiding doing that with the dexterity of Houdini escaping from a padlocked chest.
Today after waiting several weeks, I got a brief letter from her saying we obviously aren't getting very far this way and suggesting we find someone we both trust to help us work through this. After some initial disappointment that this is the best she can do, I think it's a good idea, and I can think of someone who would be good (and likely to sympathize with my point of view).
But I don't know how likely it is that this will help, if nothing else has helped so far. This person, if she agrees, is a very good reflective listener with some counseling skills, who I can imagine would be good at bringing the conversation back to the point. But if my mom is this reluctant to take responsibility for her behaviour, I don't know if adding one more person telling her the same thing is going to get anywhere (except to help me feel more validated).
I know the advice usually given: you can't change anyone else, only yourself; she is unlikely to change and I have to focus on my own needs. Which is likely true, but my longing for reconciliation is extremely strong. The lack of a real family is such a huge source of grief that it feels like my life has ground to a halt over the past year or so. People tell me it's never going to happen and I just have to work through the grief around that, but for me that grief is so enormous that it feels like it's not worth going on. I've been mired in a deep depression for several months since a good friend abandoned me, at the same time as all this is going on with my mom. That's how bad the pain of abandonment is for me. Also I have a grown-up daughter and she and I also have a lot of problems, which I also don't know how to resolve (I've tried), but that is another story. It's just that I feel she has been influenced by the unloving nature of our family and also that I am the family black sheep and she has been influenced to see me that way, i.e., that it's okay to ignore me or treat me with contempt because I am the family's designated "problem". That is a long story I don't want to go into here, not least because I respect her privacy even though this is an anonymous forum. But the point is I want to give her the example that moving from resentment to a more loving relationship is possible in this family.
Am I being unrealistic? Banging my head against the wall? I don't expect to change who my mother is, but if we could establish some kind of safety in the relationship so I am not avoiding her out of fear of being triggered, that would be a start I'd be willing to accept.
Has anyone here achieved reconciliation on at least some level that feels good to them?
So besides more severe abuse, which I mostly don't remember clearly, one of my major sources of CPTSD is ongoing neglect by my family over a long period of time, my whole life really. Each incident in isolation sounds like not all that much and I used to get embarrassed talking about it because to take one incident and then describe how much pain I am in makes it seem like I am making mountains out of molehills. I'm now trying to look at the bigger picture, which is that a whole lot of molehills really do make a mountain and if I am in so much pain, there is a reason why. I just gave someone else that advice on another thread so now I am repeating it to myself.
Well, I know neglect is a huge trigger for me because of how I feel when it is repeated, even inadvertently. And I know where it came from. My family is just so empty, so devoid of love. It's like somehow having an open heart and giving love to others is something they can't afford. When you are five years old and you try to express your needs and ask for nurturing and don't get it, okay, once in a while that can happen. But when that is your reality over and over and over that is what you come to expect and then you believe you don't deserve to have your needs met, that what you need is wrong, that you are bad and flawed and hardly deserve to live, and you attract people into your life who reflect that, and the cycle goes on. My father is dead, but my mother and I have writing letters back and forth for a year, trying to find some common ground.
My mother is a complicated, confusing person. She has a generous side, and when I remember this I feel guilty to have any complaints. She's helped me a lot in some practical ways. But then she also has a side that is incredibly callous and immature. It was sort of like growing up with an alcoholic. You never knew when an explosion was going to come, or whether what was fine yesterday would trigger a raging tantrum tomorrow. There was an incident when I was nine where I learned pretty much that I was on my own, that I had to take over being the parent because my parents sure weren't doing their job. Blatant neglect like when I told them I was suicidal and they listened very nicely and then walked away and never did anything about it or mentioned it again. I grew up, moved out, had other experiences, but the expectation of being treated like a non-entity is still there all the time. I have such a hard time trusting anyone, I am waiting for the other shoe to drop all the time, and it often does. What really gets to me is that my mother continues to be oblivious to there being any problem or anything she needs to change, and it doesn't matter what anyone does or says, it's like she has blinders on. Every time I try to tell her something that is important to me and she doesn't respond, it triggers my abandonment issues.
About a year ago I wrote her a letter where I told her about the abuse I was remembering and said that I didn't want to see her because I can't be vulnerable around her: the only way we can be in the same room is when I am strong enough to at least have my life together on some level. Having her see me in obvious distress and not act like she cares is just too painful. She asked me to explain what I meant. She actually wanted examples, so I gave them to her. For several months since then in many letters I have tried to explain. Each time I get a letter back from her I cry for days because it is so obvious that she still doesn't get it and that is still such a trigger for me. I'm not being nasty or calling her names or anything like that, but I've repeatedly asked for one thing: that she recognize the damage and take responsibility for it, and tell me what she is willing to do to improve our relationship so it doesn't keep happening, before I am able to see her again.
I should mention that I have a sister who cut off all communication with the family many years ago. Maybe she realized there was no possibility of getting what she needed and decided to cut her losses and build a life elsewhere. My mother lost a daughter over the dysfunction in our family and is coming very close to losing another, but she still isn't able to take responsibility for her actions. When I've pressed, she just gets hostile. I don't think I've ever heard a sincere apology in our family. I was in my twenties before I experienced how sweet reconciliation can be when someone hurts another person, realizes it, and apologizes sincerely. The relationship gets stronger. That never happens in our family. Conflict is never resolved, it just adds up and festers until there are currents of resentment in every interaction. A few letters ago my mother kind of sort of apologized for some things she did to me, but in a way that still makes me out to be the problem. Simultaneously there have been several things she has done that show me she is none the wiser, like for instance handing over a very personal letter from me to an alternative practitioner she thought might help with my physical PTSD symptoms, without asking my permission or recognizing where those symptoms came from. It's like on one level she does care, but skillfully skirts around the need to actually take any responsibility or change her behaviour. Both a friend and my mom's counselor have apparently advised her to just tell me sincerely that she's sorry, but she's avoiding doing that with the dexterity of Houdini escaping from a padlocked chest.
Today after waiting several weeks, I got a brief letter from her saying we obviously aren't getting very far this way and suggesting we find someone we both trust to help us work through this. After some initial disappointment that this is the best she can do, I think it's a good idea, and I can think of someone who would be good (and likely to sympathize with my point of view).
But I don't know how likely it is that this will help, if nothing else has helped so far. This person, if she agrees, is a very good reflective listener with some counseling skills, who I can imagine would be good at bringing the conversation back to the point. But if my mom is this reluctant to take responsibility for her behaviour, I don't know if adding one more person telling her the same thing is going to get anywhere (except to help me feel more validated).
I know the advice usually given: you can't change anyone else, only yourself; she is unlikely to change and I have to focus on my own needs. Which is likely true, but my longing for reconciliation is extremely strong. The lack of a real family is such a huge source of grief that it feels like my life has ground to a halt over the past year or so. People tell me it's never going to happen and I just have to work through the grief around that, but for me that grief is so enormous that it feels like it's not worth going on. I've been mired in a deep depression for several months since a good friend abandoned me, at the same time as all this is going on with my mom. That's how bad the pain of abandonment is for me. Also I have a grown-up daughter and she and I also have a lot of problems, which I also don't know how to resolve (I've tried), but that is another story. It's just that I feel she has been influenced by the unloving nature of our family and also that I am the family black sheep and she has been influenced to see me that way, i.e., that it's okay to ignore me or treat me with contempt because I am the family's designated "problem". That is a long story I don't want to go into here, not least because I respect her privacy even though this is an anonymous forum. But the point is I want to give her the example that moving from resentment to a more loving relationship is possible in this family.
Am I being unrealistic? Banging my head against the wall? I don't expect to change who my mother is, but if we could establish some kind of safety in the relationship so I am not avoiding her out of fear of being triggered, that would be a start I'd be willing to accept.
Has anyone here achieved reconciliation on at least some level that feels good to them?
