Is There A Difference In Grieving And Feeling Loss?

[FindingMyself88]

Wasn't completely sure where to post this.

Last week while meeting with my trauma T, we talked about my loosing Greyson, my horse, and my mom's affair and everything that revolved around that. Loosing Greyson was a complete devastation for me. If it wasn't for him, I would have committed suicide when I was 18. My mom sold him after I graduated high school, 6 years ago this past february. It's still as painful as if it happened yesterday. There isn't a day that I don't think about him. Just talking about him will put me in tears. Anyways, I've posted PLENTY of times about him, talked to my old T about him so much.

Last week my new T told me that she thinks I've felt his loss, but haven't grieved him… is there really a difference? She wants me to bring pictures of him to our session Friday. I've found a few. My mom threw away a lot of them. Talking about him is often more painful than talking about being sexually molested, which I don't understand. It's like… I'm numb to those things, but not to having lost him. So if what I've been doing all these years isn't grieving him, what is???

 

[open eyes]

No one can really define "grieving" for you, as everyone does & feels it differently. It sounds like a difficult thing to cope with because it's sort of an ambiguous loss. You have lost him, but he's still physically there, alive- you just can't have him. With ambiguous losses there's always that part of your brain that plays through the what ifs.

Sometimes with sexual traumas our brains don't quite block out the memories, but it separates the feelings associated with the trauma so severely that you might think that it didn't bother you at all, & that the sadness is related to something else- in this case, losing your horse. In middle school I was raped, & my brain completely minimized the problem. For years I thought the reason I was so depressed was due to the fact that I had lost friends. But losing friends is something I should've been able to deal with. It made so much more sense once I started dealing with my sexual assault.

Did your mom have some kind of a grudge against your horse?

 

[TimeToHeal]

Hi @FindingMyself88, it's me again. ;)

I think I shared with you before, a similar experience I had with a horse when I was 15/16. It still hurts today, 15+ years later, though not as much as it used to. I have worked through it some with a previous therapist, which was really helpful.

I think maybe what your T meant by you've been feeling his loss, but haven't grieved him, is that you've been sort of "stuck" in the feeling the void that was left when he went away. You've been hurting (understandably so), and suffering since that day but haven't allowed yourself to go through the grieving process.

Grief actually has 5 stages: Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, and finally, Acceptance.

Perhaps you haven't fully allowed yourself to feel this full array of emotions?

And lastly, I'll offer the same "advice" you wisely offered me - consider asking your T just what she meant by what she said. :D

:hug: from me to you...

 

[FindingMyself88]

@open eyes that does make sense, but I did find out last year he had finally passed on, he was 23-24yrs old. I feel…robbed of 5 extra years with him. Yeah, I've been told I have repressed or detached emotions, I just don't understand why this isn't the same…

As far as the grudge, I think so? The big story is she had an affair with the barn owner's husband and I knew but couldn't say anything because they threatened to kill my friend's horse (she walked in on them having sex). They don't know to this day that I know. So it made it hard for me to ride, even though I still spent time DAILY with Greyson. My mom said because I wasn't riding him, he was no good. I do think deep down though she was jealous of our relationship as she got jealous of any relationship I had with anyone.

@TimeToHeal We have a lot in common :O_o:

You have shared that with me. It's such a lie that time heals all wounds…:( In some ways, time has made it worse for me.

What you say about being stuck makes sense, but I don't know how to feel those emotions. I've had anger, but I stuff it down because anger is a "bad" emotion for me. Anger makes me afraid because of the abuse and violence I saw as a child. Maybe I am more emotionally detached from this than I know, at least from the events around it and such. I just know it hurts.

And yes, I do plan on asking her Friday. I have gathered 10 pictures of him up to take with me. Looking back on those memories are extremely bittersweet. When I said in some ways, time has made it worse, I meant that a year or so ago, I could think of him and that was my safe place. Now, since my PTSD has gotten worse, I can no longer recall that safe place anymore, I can't bring up those joyful memories because they are too covered in pain. He used to be my LITERAL safe place, and now nothing fills that void, even the visual safe place void.

Last week when we did talk some about him, we connected it to also me looking to church as my safe place. Only I've learned in the past 6 months that my church back home was an unhealthy safe place, especially my relationship with my youth pastor. Not going into that, but just that she had unrealistic expectations of me and how I should just get over my past, which messed up my view of God (long story). I have not had a REAL safe place since him. It makes it hard to trust or believe or rely on something again. Because it will either hurt me, or it will be taken from me…

He was so much more than just a horse and my feelings about him are so very complex…. Sorry for the long post, things just started coming out of my head….

 

[Ryn]

@FindingMyself88, I don't really have any good advice on your main topic, but I just want to say I'm so sorry about losing your horse. I totally understand how irreplaceable and precious horses can be for us, especially through suffering. I've seen your posts about him a few times and every time, I feel a deep yearning for you that someday you can get another horse who may help fill that gap for you. Hugs if you want them. :hug:

 

[FindingMyself88]

@Ryn I am sorry I am just now seeing this. Thank you, I don't think I will ever find another horse to fill his gap, his gap is too big. I do however hope to find peace and joy in being around horses again..

I had a session with my T today and we talked a little more about him.. We talked about the fact that I am emotionally "numb" or detached from all my other traumas, except loosing him. She thinks it is because it isn't just the trauma of loosing him, but the fact that he was a safe place for me. He was a healthy outlet for my pain.

She also wants me to open up to the idea of a "new" relationship with Greyson now. She questioned me about where I believed he was now and what he is doing. I said I would love to believe he is in heaven waiting on me. She said this will help in mourning him. She wants me to draw a picture of what I think he is doing in Heaven… thinking about it now, I just have this vision of him surrounded by little girls and teenagers. I see him loving them and making them happy… this will be very bittersweet to draw, because while it makes me smile at the thought of how much love he can give them, I only wish deeply that it was me he was making happy.