Is There A Label For Me Other Than "fool"?

[The Albatross]

It's uphill in your mind cuz of you see your pattern... It looks like Mount Everest but that's perceptual. You're a sucker for charming but harmful women because you are drawn to the familiar and don't know how and seeming aren't inclined to hear at the moment that learning how to pick a safe partner can be done and is something that can be acquired. BUT you have to stop complicating your own issues... you've got unresolved grief and your birth defect issues that cause self worth/esteem issues as well.... yet instead of doing the work you've just tried to pick another partner. Try something different? Work on you and see what happens?

 

[The Albatross]

... in the past, I meant to say "instead of doing the work in the past". Brain dead and exhausted ... bed time for Bonzo.

 

[stillstanding2]

Learn safe as in traits and what's safe for you from there, for more relationships than 'just' the romantic.

Oh I understood that. I only pointed out that I have some good female friends that remind me that I'm not a bad guy. I like those ladies just the way they are. They help me know there really are safe people to befriend. Romance is not my sole interest. And I don't feel as if I have anything to prove in that regard.

 

[stillstanding2]

Hmmm. I've thought for the last four years that I was working on me...Hundreds of pages of journals, essays, fiction, continued therapy, utter sobriety, a few activities, knowing a few people to whom I can always say yes, good health, refining my artwork, being friendly when I see people...not showing when I'm depressed or angry...and probably a few more things that I don't see others taking the time for.

Just doing most of it alone and feeling selfish. I'm not giving to anybody, other than not being a nuisance.

 

[The Albatross]

Doubtless all of the things you list have been helpful and yes you've done a lot (congratulations on your sobriety and journaling by the way) ... yet in the area of seeking and selecting a partner, your opening post and the rest show this area to be something you want/need to resolve for yourself right? What if you do something different and put yourself out there, volunteer in your community and create opportunities to meet people and look for opportunity with a woman who doesn't need rescuing and is mental/emotionally healthy?

In recovery I had a sponsor who asked me once, "Why do you think you deserve or have deserved these types of men and relationships?" After some soul searching it had a lot to do with my own unresolved issues and sense of self worth. Maybe you might be able or have already asked and formed an answer to this question?

 

[stillstanding2]

Maybe you might be able or have already asked and formed an answer to this question?

I know that I have maybe magnified empathy for people in trouble. I'm just a care giver extreme, and I get satisfaction from comforting or helping to relieve others' problems. Even in my career as a government journalist, I did my best work handling public emergencies and mass disasters. I've thought that perhaps I have a habit for identifying problems that overwhelm others, but that I can try to fix. And you're right, that may all be because I want to show some worth where it most can count.

Though I have done some volunteer work in the past, I have not been personally pleased with what I've tried. That has been (I think) because I'm very much a loner, and in a couple of volunteer groups I have been disgusted by other volunteers' Type-A superficiality. I'm more comfortable with one-on-one communication. So I'm not a team player if the team accepts a shallow common denominator.

Just observations. But I'm thinking about all you've offered.

It still haunts me though that such a surprising proportion of women I have known well have displayed abusive or (diagnosed BPD) harmful behavior. I thought it was relatively rare, but in my experience, they are not. And now, at the first sense of that disorder, red flags fly all over the place.

 

[The Albatross]

" I'm just a care giver extreme, and I get satisfaction from comforting or helping to relieve others' problems."
Okay you're dialoging with me, one of the highest level care givers you can get, short of starting IV's and other invasive procedures/things. My vocation is professional care giver... so maybe it would be assistive for you to learn about that. When you say "I'm just a care giver extreme"...it's the "extreme" and that it's further complicated by intimate relationship that is problematic for both you and the people you are interested in. Many codependents are in this field/vocation but at some time or another for personal or professional reasons they all have to sort out this stuff.

Yours are more personal, mine are professional. Just sayin'. There are skill sets, that can be acquired so you don't trip yourself over into another dysfunctional relationship. That's all I'm saying here.

 

[The Albatross]

P.S. (on the re-read), a Loner who wants a relationship but who is not comfortable or at ease in group dynamics is a bit of a paradox. That is likely where you're unsatisfied needs/wants/desires come from and fuel your loner or lonely status. I been there with that, wanting and needing contact but not really knowing how to actualize this. You are clearly not a stupid guy and are capable and have exceeded many areas that I am not proficient or am deficient in. You can get this. Having said that, bowing out and Godspeed and blessings for your highest good.

 

[The Albatross]

I think (still re-reading) you are astute and wise to recognize that you aren't giving or contributing to anybody or the community in general. That is a solid observation and one that can lead you to a more balanced perception and life. But when you say, "I'm not giving to anybody, other than not being a nuisance." Well I think I would myth bust that one "not being a nuisance" because that is perceptual ... for instance you are not being a nuisance here. Though "harms reduction or avoidance" are a way of safeguarding... they are not serving you personally. You want/need relationships... that is clear... what's not clear is how do you get there.

Being "not the nuisance/problem" is progress but it has led you to isolation that is clearly not in your nature and not what you want/need/desire. You want more than that and I think you can accomplish it.

 

[The Albatross]

"I'm more comfortable with one-on-one communication." ... so am I which is why I am a professional care giver, work as an independent contractor (it sets limits on my interactions with management staff and co-caregivers/personalities and why I pursued it as a vocation rather than the big bucks. But I will tell you, when it comes to relationships... ultimately nobody I know, me personally included, has ever wanted to be someone else's "project"... they want to come 50/50 into partnership and to be on equal footing... relationships are a mutual experience... IF you go into any relationship and lapse into White Knight, Hero, Fixer, Rescuer role it likely ain't gonna be pretty and will be problematic. Most everyone wants to be equal not matter what their detriments... me included. Last thought and I'll stop for today. I too am a codependent (in addition to my many labels), and I independent contract and normalized small circles of care including staff members... just so I could work and earn a living.

 

[The Albatross]

Okay so... I passed my own boundary and with that I withdraw. I'm cool, I just have dominated the thread and will let others come forward. I like you. I understand... guess that's why I pressed. Thank you for your kind indulgence and open mindedness.

Hopefully "fool" is one label you may see you won't apply to yourself. You don't need to do that to yourself, really. You have good intent and become aware of a pattern of behavior, you don't want to repeat it. That is all.

 

[stillstanding2]

Thanks so much Albatross. I'm sure you are a devoted care giver too. I'm ordering the book you recommended through Amazon and should have it in a couple of days.

And I've decided to get back with a group of artists for weekly figure drawing sessions. We don't talk much or disturb each other's concentration, but we have breaks between poses when we can see each other's work and be friendly. I'm only an amateur, having gone the literary route, but I fully appreciate an art atmosphere. I think it is a good place to start again looking for people with common interests.

And I am aware that many creative people are as eccentric as I am, so I won't be looking for the ordinary.

Thanks again for your help in thinking this through for now.