Is there an appropriate way to tell someone that something they say is making you anxious...?

[SeekingAfrica]

...without making it sound like you are blaming them for your anxiety or wanting them to never speak to you or something? Especially if they understand stress but not panic attacks or anxiety?

 

[Akhos]

Ive learnt that if they are worth your time, then they will understand and you can just be honest. I have had to say quite a few times that something is triggering me, once at a manager, just outright and its never yet been accepted badly.

If they are going to get upset, then they arent worth considering whether you are being offensive or not.

 

[SeekingAfrica]

Ive learnt that if they are worth your time, then they will understand and you can just be honest. I ha...

What if they are family though?

 

[Deleted member 44579]

Hi @SeekingAfrica.... It might help if you could provide some details surrounding what happened...?... Was it a kid or adult that is making you anxious...?...

 

[Akhos]

As @Xena says - some more details may help as I am talking generically. Family is a difficult one because even though my family is not very close, they all know about me and are ok if I tell them something is too much, but of course all families are different, as are our relationships with them.

 

[SeekingAfrica]

As @Xena says - some more details may help as I am talking generically. Family is a d...

It's my mom. I had a hard year, including health issues, separation and moving out and so on. Now I have to live with my parents for couple/three months. I'm helping out financially-great. But they come from different generation and all of their understandings tend to put me on edge and exasperate my anxiety. I told myself I'll make myself I'll make my stay as smooth as I can for all of us- help financially, cook, and try to be zen and avoid arguments with them.

I knew the first weeks would be hardest, because I'm waiting for my monthly pay. I work from home, so once I get paid I will be able to go work in cafe or coworking office or whatever. But until then I'm working home. I came all zen and positive and we're having fights pretty much daily. This on top of work issues and other things has been putting me on edge but I've been telling myself it's just for this while and this and that...

But then today my mom walks in as I'm beginning my work day, and for whatever reason starts talking to me about money and work. She knows my payment is coming at the end of next week and that originally I had planned to stay there 2 weeks. But somehow the moment I mentioned staying longer, she's been asking me about my money coming in daily. Being afraid of not getting enough money and being left to sleep on the street or not having what to eat is my biggest fear and trigger. It sets me off in the most unproductive way possible, frozen in feeling like I NEED to have a lot more money in an hour or a day, and not being able to move, let alone do my work. But my parents come from generation that had a lot less choice in what they do, and my parents had a hard life.

So in the morning she gave me a talk about how hard they have it now that they are retired and have limited money. How they are left on their last money for the next week. She walks in all the time through the day to ask if I'm working or resting and when I said I have to work afternoon to midnight she still sounded perplexed that I can be resting during the day. I was about to be visiting for 2 weeks. Which means that my parents would be dealing with the food and I pay for myself doing anything outside. They even gave me money to buy something I needed even though I was willing to wait and buy it myself when I get paid...And now they are wondering why I can't help them financially from day 2 of my arriving, although they didn't even know about me helping out until I got here. They also keep talking about not having money and waiting on me receiving my money knowing full well I'm not in control of when they arrive. I don't get it. Then they shouldn't have helped me. But most of all, to help them I need to do my job well, and that talk and constant questions really set me off. I was okay after 1-5-10 times but after that last long talk today, I've been so anxious I've barely been able to move today. I started 3 files and had to restart them that many times. Eventually I had to take half day off today... And each time I've talked to them about anxiety they make it seem like my generation is spoiled and when they were stressed they still did what they needed to do. Saying that I have disorder and I take pills did not make anything better for more than an hour. And so today I keep trying to hide that I'm that anxious which I think makes it seem like I'm lazy. And trying to hide how I feel is just making it built up.

The only way to change this is being able to get out more, which will happen if I can get my job done and get paid. But the more anxious and claustrofobic I get, the more debilitating panic builds up until I can't work...Today I was useless and I'll have to work it out tomorrow. Not sure how to make the situation any better and how to get back to the zen part. I tried to put all in my planner because doing things one-two tasks at a time helps, but then my mom was asking do I spend more time planning rather than doing and now I'm too anxious to even do that. I know it seems like I'm easily affected but things have been getting worse and worse since I arrived here last weekend...

 

[DharmaGirl]

Does she understand anything about PTSD? It sounds like a big jumble of triggering you on her part. Can you break this down into smaller pieces?

Your mom doesn't respect your privacy. Can you ask her to knock and not come in unless you answer? If you are working, maybe put a sign on your closed door saying something like - working, please come back later? That sounds a little stupid but you need your privacy to work.

She needs to know you need downtime to keep yourself centered. Is it possible for her to understand this?

Can you explain to her in a note, or an email, that you understand her worry over money, and that you will get paid on X date, and have no other source of income until then, and will be more than happy to help out. She sounds like she is making it impossible for you to succeed, thus fulfilling her fear of not having enough money.

Maybe you can set one boundary at a time. If this doesn't work for you, just ignore it. Just my take.

 

[SeekingAfrica]

Does she understand anything about PTSD? It sounds like a big jumble of triggering you on her part....

Yup, jumble is exactly what it feels like. My parents have no clue of PTSD and so on...may be vague clue. Once I tried to explain anxiety and I thought it made sense until a week later I tried to tell them that something was stressing me and my mom joke to my father about "how stressed" I am, and how my generation is getting stressed from everything. Doesn't give me much desire to explain. To my knowledge boundaries are not much recognized by my mom, so it will take patience to set. Setting them one by one does sound good though. I think I managed to do one thing more today- since I bought comfort food and she's been really on me about eating, I was planning to hide it. But instead, I was so out of patience rthat I just decided that I won't hide and gave her half bag of the chips I bought without saying anything. It went better than expected. Also about the 10th time of her saying "are you working or resting" in the last few days got too much, so the last time she did it today, I said, does it matter(instead of explaining what I'm doing and defending it). And when she said that she's just asking, I told her that she can't ask me that any time I'm doing anything. She said nothing, which I take as a win.
Boundaries, hopefully I'll set one by one in time.

However other than that, today it feels like everything is all jumbled in my brain after I got set off. I can't work, or think clearly. It's almost night time, but I'm wondering whether to take my emergency medication (I have only one left for the next 3 weeks because of travelling so I've been saving it). I feel like I'm choking the whole day, and everything from work to the most mundane things feel dire and urgent right now, and I can't separate or prioritize at all, I can barely even move. And as I said, usually good planning is both soothing and helpful to keep my day unaffected from my issues, but now that my mind got to that jumbled state, I can't separate even what to plan first from the mess in my head. There is only one manual mindless task that I may be able to do for work that I can do today. And in this state it feels like it doesn't matter if I do it...but a part of me knows that anything I manage today will be one less thing I'll need to catch up on once I calm down.

But this is bad, it's really BAD. And I'm getting to a point where I have to put my self care on first place and stop feeling guilty and put boundaries if I'll spend a long time here. For my sake and for my parents sake (to have anything financially to help with). Sadly the more I worry the more useless I am, it's how my PTSD works, and I am pretty useless right now. I can not have many more days like this. I have to manage this.

 

[Deleted member 44579]

OK you are not useless.... Can you go to a cafe that has Internet and work or a library... A library would be better....... Quite....

If not possible outside...somewhere... It's freezing here in Britain but if its warm outside?... Just trying to give you options...

If none of the above tell your mum.. No work, no money,....

Its temporary.... Just please keep reminding yourself.... Can you talk to your dad about your mum?...

 

[SeekingAfrica]

OK you are not useless.... Can you go to a cafe that has Internet and work or a library... A library would...

Thank you! Actually writing the situation on here helped me feel a little better, how about that?:) Sadly in the meantime, I woke up to my laptop charger not working, so...one more thing to handle. Which means until I get paid in a week, I can only work on the desktop computer here. So no going out for work for a while. The whole talk to my mom doesn't yield anything. She gives me the speech of what their generation managed to work through, how can I top that? And my dad usually just defends her. From all I learned in therapy in the last years, I think she also has anxiety, but she'll never admit it. I'll have to learn from the situation and make myself better. Anyway, I'm trying to handle it the best I can. At least so far after I saw my computer didn't start, I'm been calmer than expected and I made a list of how to handle the different aspects of the issue. I think the biggest thing is that I never backed up a lot of the files. I'm sure I don't even know half of the files that I may lose on there, all my work is there. Problems of being freelancer: if you're personal laptop crashes, your work does too. So I'm spending today installing programs and extensions on the desktop computer in my parents place to be able to work until the situation resolves itself. Again, calmer than expected. Considering I may not have access to any of my files for like a week, including work files, I think I'm doing well...
Thank you so much for writing on here, I do think being here has helped me deal somewhat.

 

[DharmaGirl]

I'm so glad that writing here has helped you. This is a great outlet for working out issues with other people. I believe that most people don't know much about PTSD, and just assume it's not as bad as it is. My mom just doesn't get it. When I try to explain dissociation, she tells me I don't have Schizophrenia. She really thinks she's being reassuring, but doesn't realize what either are.

The only other thing I might suggest is to agree with her, and be grateful to her. Like - I know you guys worked hard for everything in life, and it wasn't easy, and I really appreciate you helping me. It's helping me start my new life. You don't have to mean it, but it makes her feel heard, acknowledges that she had it tough, and shows her you appreciate her. I get that she doesn't hear you, believe me, I get that, but this might help with the issue of her bothering you when you are resting or working.

I know it seems like I'm easily affected but things have been getting worse and worse since I arrived here last weekend...

Having PTSD makes you easily affected. It isn't you. Don't worry about that part. Of course your symptoms will get worse when you are stressed, maybe some grounding stuff?

 

[SeekingAfrica]

I'm so glad that writing here has helped you. This is a great outlet for working out issues with oth...

I'm so mad at my mom, I need "home" or the feeling of it so much right now, and I feel like an ATM she's waiting to work. But you are right, I'll have to get over it and try to make peace with her a bit more.

What do you do for grounding? I have things that help me when I'm a little stressed, but I haven't found anything for when I get into the red zone. And it's not only the stress of being here, it's also that I thought staying here may save me some money, which I reallly need...And what has been happening is quite the opposite(like health issues and computer issues which are important because I work from home, and basically another 50$ expense being added to the budget every other day while my pay hasn't changed). Of course all those things may have been headed that way for a while and to have just reached here now...but nevertheless, having to handle them while being already more stressed is definitely putting me in the red zone, however zen about it I am trying to be.