Is there an appropriate way to tell someone that something they say is making you anxious...?

[Stephernovas]

Print out a calendar, and circle the dates in which you receive payments/can get it to your mom. Together discuss/confirm the agreed upon amount you are paying. Ask her if she would prefer to be paid smaller amounts more often, or if the larger lump sum when you get paid is okay. My thoughts are to try to compromise and communicate. Let her know that her daily conversations about money stress you out because you would love to help and give them more, but this is what you guys have to work with for now. Then post that calendar on the effing fridge, and anytime she asks you about it, tell her to check the calendar on the fridge, to refer to what you've both agreed upon

 

[Akhos]

I am a massive fan of writing my thoughts and fears down. I am not good at spoken word. Have you considered writing it in a letter, and just giving it to her and leave her to it for a while. Write in the letter telling her your fears and why you cant say it to her face without getting so anxious. Perhaps even say, "If you dont understand, or want to, thats fine, but respect my feelings".

A letter is very non confrontational, and I personally use it a lot.

Just an option.

 

[Nessa7]

Have you tried telling her that you are busy and can't talk? I attended school online, so I get having people not understand when you're busy. I would also specifically tell people when I would be working on something important and couldn't be interupted.

 

[DharmaGirl]

@SeekingAfrica, when I am extremely anxious, I have to go to a quiet space and calm down. Or work physically hard. One trick I learned to us at the moment was to choose a color, then count how many times you see it from where you are, then choose another, and so on. This will help you be present. It sounds silly but it really works. Stand and feel your feet on the floor. Say to yourself who you are, where you are, what time it is, what you are doing. I do this one a lot. Hold a cold drink and feel the coldness against your hand. I generally, when I am not upset, listen to a guided meditation, just google that and you will get a billion of them. Every night I listen to a book on tape while I color or draw. I listen to a guided meditation every day, or meditate on my own. I do something outside every day, rain or shine. When you have some grounding stuff, write them down on a card, and keep the card with you. Believe me, when you are upset, you will forget what's on the card. Hope this helps.

 

[WhiteHatGirl]

It's my mom. I had a hard year, including health issues, separation and moving out and so on. Now...

Maybe you can find a food pantry, if they are worried about running out of food.

 

[SeekingAfrica]

Print out a calendar, and circle the dates in which you receive payments/can get it to your mom. Together discuss/confirm the agreed upon amount you are paying. Ask her if she would prefer to be paid smaller amounts more often, or if the larger lump sum when you get paid is okay. My thoughts are to try to compromise and communicate. Let her know that her daily conversations about money stress you out because you would love to help and give them more, but this is what you guys have to work with for now. Then post that calendar on the effing fridge, and anytime she asks you about it, tell her to check the calendar on the fridge, to refer to what you've both agreed upon

That is an awesome idea, thank you! The calendar, I mean. She doesn't recognize that I can be stressed somehow. It's like I'm frozen in my teenage years and she can't realize that I'm much older now and I do have the same problems as them. And somehow their problems always top mine. I'll have to just...pretend to keep the peace, I guess.

Write in the letter telling her your fears and why you cant say it to her face without getting so anxious. Perhaps even say, "If you dont understand, or want to, thats fine, but respect my feelings".

I've actually said all I can many times when I was less anxious and patiently explained it all...doesn't seem like it made a difference

Have you tried telling her that you are busy and can't talk? I attended school online, so I get having people not understand when you're busy. I would also specifically tell people when I would be working on something important and couldn't be interupted.

I have. She still automatically interrupts to tell me random things or she and my father talk in the same room or whatever. And the rare times I have said something she gets offended and says "Oh, okay, so I can't talk anymore, you've become so imporant, okay" And then I can't say anything without sounding like I'm confirming that. She makes me sound like I'm asking for something unreasonable.

 

[SeekingAfrica]

Weirdly enough, I have achieved some sort of peace temporarily. I tried...I think it was @DharmaGirl, may be, suggestion to show being grateful and understanding to my parents no matter how I feel. I did and it did get me less fights:). My mom ended up rambling about how she's worried about me and my brother all the time and about the money and can't sleep and this and that. And I had to be comforting her, which has been the case pretty much ever since I was a teenager and even a kid. She was great at being a parent in the literal sense, but emotionally I was always calming her down and telling her everything will be fine. Now that my anxiety is so overwhelming I was hoping to get a little bit of that too or at least some quiet...But I'm realizing now that if I want peace in this house there is no place for 2 people with huge anxiety. I have to keep her calm which means ignoring my feelings when she's there...so...nothing new.
I'll do it, because better anxious and with some peace at home, than anxious + fights daily and shouting. But if I can't express my feelings for her to be calm, I'll have to find my own outlet and soon. I'm handling the physical life problems well, finding solutions (like work, money, all inconveniences of being here...), but it keeps taking a toll. Today is the first snow day, everything outside looks like a greeting card, my most pressing issues are relatively solved, I don't have to get out in the cold and it's relatively warm in. But I woke up and just looking outside at the snow made me sad. Everything makes me sad today. I'll keep trying of course, because...well, it's life, what else can you do? But I am in a bit of a funk today. Might be from coming out of all the anxiety last week, now that the pressure has released a bit, perhaps.

 

[DharmaGirl]

It was me that said that, but I didn't mean for you to ignore your own feelings. You could also say to her, "me too" when she mentions how overwhelmed she is so she gets that you have issues too. The thing to think about is you are the only one who can calm you down, and deal with your anxieties. Same with her. Telling her you realize how hard it is for her doesn't mean you are taking responsibility for her anxiety, it is just recognizing that she has it so she feels heard. Then you can work on yourself. Practice your grounding techniques, tell her you have to go practice your grounding techniques to quiet your anxiety, and can't be interrupted. I know you want to be heard by her too, but that will probably not happen. We hear you here, and know it is hard living with PTSD. Work on yourself, you are the most important person to you. Only you can fix you, calm you, and allow yourself your feelings.

 

[Deleted member 12723]

This is a lifetime pattern with your mom that you are facing. Tell her you understand yet you need her to understand when you are busy and try to ignore any negative comments coming from her. It sounds like she is stuck worrying in her head and is unable to hear you, no matter how patient and careful you have been to telling her things.

I wish you could just put a latch lock on your door to enforce at least that boundary. But I know that is probably going to be a problem for your parents. I am sorry that you are dealing with her dysfunctions right now when You are needing support and understanding.

The boundaries that you are trying to set are going to be steamrolled over by your mom because she does not acknowledge boundaries. It does not matter how hard she had it because she had you to always comfort her before and she seems to be expecting this now from you. It sounds like an impossible situation for you and I really empathize.

I really like a written agreement and the calendar idea is brilliant. Make a contract like a temporary rental agreement with her and keep on being a broken record with her stating the same facts over and over consistenly with her until she learns that steamrolling over your boundaries no longer works on you anymore.

You are the only one to fight for yourself seeing as your parents have refused to do that for you. My heart goes out to. It seems the sooner you can find your own place, the better off you will be. It sounds like your mother is just too dysfunctional and does not see or hear the real you now. I know this rejection of your real self really hurts but as you said she is older and unlikely to change. Good luck.:hug:

 

[DharmaGirl]

@Rain said it so much better than I did!

 

[SeekingAfrica]

This is a lifetime pattern with your mom that you are facing. Tell her you understand yet you need her to...

It was me that said that, but I didn't mean for you to ignore your own feelings. You could also say to her, "me too" when she mentions how overwhelmed she is so she gets that you have issues too. The thing to think about is you are the only one who can calm you down, and deal with your anxieties. Same with her. Telling her you realize how hard it is for her doesn't mean you are taking responsibility for her anxiety, it is just recognizing that she has it so she feels heard. Then you can work on yourself. Practice your grounding techniques, tell her you have to go practice your grounding techniques to quiet your anxiety, and can't be interrupted. I know you want to be heard by her too, but that will probably not happen. We hear you here, and know it is hard living with PTSD. Work on yourself, you are the most important person to you. Only you can fix you, calm you, and allow yourself your feelings.

I want to thank you both so much! That is so much more understanding that I've gotten from anyone in the past weeks, and I feel like I need it a lot. As I mentioned I've achieved some sort of piece. I also got money and finally gave my mom enough for 2 weeks, which seems to have calmed her down on this topic. I also tried to balance keeping my mouth shut in front of my parents by seeing a friend and also buying some things that weren't on my "must buy list" which is pretty long, but rather, from the things I usually put in my anxiety kit, like scrapbook paper and pictures that make me happy, hot chocolate instant packs and so on.

I'm trying to stand up for myself and do what I need to do for me as well. Also I paid a lot of my bills now that I finally got paid which does make me feel better. However...none of this is enough(either yet or in general). I feel like while I'm here I'll have to adhere to my parents needs and schedule a lot for different reasons and I feel like I'm constantly steamrolling over my own needs. I'm not sure I know a way for my moms and my needs to be met at the same time. It's been less than 2 weeks of being here and despite of getting enough hours of sleep, food and warm, and having paid mostly what I need to, I feel like my nerves are stretched to the end, like all my nerve endings are outside and I'm getting touchy at the smallest thing. I feel like my parents have no respect or acknowledgement for what I do and any time I complain they give me lecture of all the horrible things they went through. I did stand my ground and reminded them that I'm old enough now and I too have hard times...but I feel like I shouldn't need a 2 hour explanation for them to know that...right? I've been depressed and with little energy for months, and now that little energy is all constantly going to explain things to them. Despite of trying to cover my own needs I don't feel like I'm getting heard. And worse than that, I am afraid that on some level my parents feel the opposite, like I'm breaking all their rules of how they want to live, and that it's unfair of me to do that since they are older and not sure how many more years they have.

So despite all good things, which did bring me some joy and relief, I did wake today suffocating and panicking at the idea that I have to get through 3 months more of this. It's been 2 weeks and I'm at a breaking point, what will happen in 3 months? Even if we don't fight about money, it seems like we fight about almost anything else and if we don't, it's because we are going with some version of their way. So today I just...couldn't get out of bed. I had breakfast and I had 0 energy left. I had to say I didn't sleep and need rest(because physical things are shorter to explain). So I was in bed for most of the day, feeling like there is no way out, no way of making these months better, and that's a horrible feeling. Feeling so weak that I can't work makes me feel I'll never make enough money to live on my own again in 3 months, and that made me feel like it's all pointless...and that feeling scares me. It got so bad I considered spending more money and getting my own place in the same city while I have to be in this city- to at least have the space to work and take care of myself. But then I googled possible places and things have changed, and the cheapest rent of private place rather than a room, was double what I expected. I can't pay that. If I could, I would already be home to the new country where I've been living for 4 years.

I made a list of top 3 things I must do today if I feel I can't do anything, and I've done 2 out of 3 - so technically I shouldn't worry about all this today. I just really feel like there's limit to how much understanding I'll get from my mom, and it's faaar from enough, and my mental health right now isn't good enough to actually do the same as I used to do and comfort her. Except for doing what I'm doing(trying to restart my anxiety kit and exercises, get in less conflicts with her and try to give myself pep talks and encouragement)...may be there is no better solution right now. But I do feel down about myself, which is the same thing that happens around her a lot lately. My mental health is just as fragile as her and she is stomping all over it right now. I'll try to read affirmations and whatnot. I just feel really exhausted today. But thank you both so much, again! It does mean a lot, you guys writing all this.

This is a lifetime pattern with your mom that you are facing. Tell her you understand yet you need her to...

I think this is the problem. There is only place for one "dysfunctional" person in a house and my mental health isn't perfect either.
The physical boundaries are the thing getting to me a lot, because they don't have a guest room yet, and so I'm sleeping and working in the living room. So today while I was trying to get through my can't-get-out-of-bed day, my mom had to do something in the living room, and she put the light on, and because the fire was on to warm the whole house, she left the door open, which feels soooo intruding when I feel so anxious and depressed that I can't even move.
This is the only boundary issue I can't do anything about while I'm here, because well...it is there living room. But because of my PTSD privacy and being able to physically close a door and be alone with my thoughts is what I need the most. Is there any substitute to that? I feel like my need for feeling safe and alone is not getting fulfilled and if it isn't fulfilled this way, I have to find an alternative.

 

[The Albatross]

The fact is you are in someone's home... that would be an opportunity to do your stress relief and emotional regulation techniques rather than attempt to control an environment that does not "belong to you".