Relationship Is There Such Thing As Too Much Support?

[Kita5789]

I've been with my sufferer for 5 months. The beginning was wonderful and loving an affectionate, as it seems a lot of your relationships start as well, but it's completely different now. A lot of stressors besides PTSD have come up in her life, and I see how it affects her. She has never been angry or mean towards me, and I can't picture that she will. She's very conscious of herself. However, she's isolating. We don't talk hardly as much as we used to, but she does make the effort to at least text me every single day, even if it's just to say good morning. By the way, we are also in a long distance relationship, which I think definitely has its pros and cons. One thing I've started to notice lately is that if I say something sweet or say I love you, she will either respond with "ditto" or completely ignore what I said and not reply or talk about something different. I've also noticed she will do this if I say something (I perceive) as comforting or remind her of my support and love, etc. I can't lie, it really hurts not to get acknowledged. But after reading a lot on here, I understand more and have been able to lower my expectations. Sometimes I get angry that we barely talk, but I try to remind myself that she does make the effort every day to at least say SOMETHING. It doesn't help me much to look back on old times, I even find myself mourning that. Although on the other hand, it reminds me that loving person is there somewhere and she will come out eventually. I've learned to take a step back, and it seems to be positive I think. But it's hard because being who I am, I want to shower her with love and support. So I ask, is there such thing as too much support? I understand I need to take a step back and continue to be patient, but I don't want to give too little either.

Also, her behaviors lately are assumably coming from PTSD. It makes sense, but we have never had the conversation about if that's what is really going on and that she was triggered somehow. She is quite open with me and trusts me, and has made comments in the past few months about feeling more angry, not wanting to talk to anyone, wanting to go back to therapy. Should I have this conversation with her? To make sure it is the PTSD and maybe find out how she thinks I can best support her? Although she's also mentioned that I "can't help" so I'm not sure how much I'd be able to get out of that question.

 

[blackemerald1]

Well IMHO you have just about covered all the bases. I probably would insist on a person to person conversation re. YOUR feelings about her distancing herself from you. And what are her expectations from you as a carer, albeit from a distance. How serious is this relationship going to be? You must care for yourself too. PTSD sufferer's can be quite oblivious to the mixed signals they are sending.Make sure you are on the same page before you try anything more, I mean a text is nice but how often are you meeting up? It is true with many carers that they don't know when to try & help & when to let things be. This can be really upsetting for the carer

I'd be setting up a time for a good conversation about all the important questions you have raised in your post.
Best wishes,
B1

 

[Kita5789]

@blackemerald1 thank you for your reply! We are both in a committed relationship that is serious and that we both see a future in. We see each other about once a month. I try to see a text a day as a positive thing, especially after reading many stories on here that say their sufferers goes days, weeks, months without a word. I've approached her recently trying to have a conversation more about my nervousness that not talking as much will cause a disconnect. She chalked it up to me listening too much to the nay-Sayers. Which is pretty true. Lately I've been hearing a lot of "you can't do it" due to distance, etc. I believe strongly in us, but I think others' opinions did catch up to me. She told me she doesn't even entertain the idea from others that it can't work, which was kinda nice to hear. But ultimately we haven't spoken specifically about where the isolation may be coming from or what she wants/needs from me. I know it's important for me to set some boundaries too, although I'm still trying to figure out exactly what those might be, as she is never mean or disrespectful or threatening to leave me, etc. I've been hesitant to start the conversation because I don't want a negative reaction, or to add more stress and pressure onto what she is already going thru currently

 

[blackemerald1]

Well @ Kita589, you do have to have that conversation at some time & honestly is the best policy, so tell your partner your concerns - that you are not listening to negative crap. But you do need to know when, how & what she expects from you when she is suffering.

It is a natural response to want to do something to help so I would stress that not knowing is a bad dilemma for you. This aspect of your relationship is more about you & caring for yourself, when your partner doesn't want you to to help. It at least alleviates some of your stress & your partner IMHO would I hope understand.
Kind regards
B1

 

[queen]

But it's hard because being who I am, I want to shower her with love and support.

This is the kind of person I am too. If I had my way, I'd hug and kiss the bejesus out of my dude, and tell him a ton of super sweet things all damn day. I learned the hard way (almost immediately) that that crap will send him over the edge. I've really had to learn how to hold back on how I show support and affection, when, in what amount, etc, in order to let him know I care but not grind his last gear. Because it will. I also learned that if I turn it off completely, he notices and doesn't like that either. Even though he's not hugely affectionate himself, I think he appreciates my softer side to a certain extent as it lets him know that I care and he's important to me. So it's a funny and delicate balance to learn how to manage. Best of luck in finding what works for you guys. :)

 

[Kita5789]

@blackemerald1 shes always been a huge advocate of me being independent and learning to care for myself, so if I put it that way like you suggest then I do think she'd be understanding. My self care is definitely important in this type of relationship especially and that is something I struggle with sometimes.

@queen thanks for your reply! It's comforting to know there are others like me out there. It's hard for sure. When we were together in October it was mostly rainbows and sunshine and lovey-ness, so naturally when I saw her again in November I acted the same. However, she was very different. I remember at one point I tried to show some affection and she backed off and said something along the lines of "let me come to you". Which shocked me a little but I snapped into reality and backed off and sure enough she came around a bit. like your partner, I know she appreciates that side of me also as she's sad it before. But finding that balance is definitely key. It's hard, but I find comfort knowing that when she's in a high mode she does show me love and affection. Plus she recently confessed loving sappy movies like Moulin Rouge so that mushy romantic side is in there somewhere :D

 

[The Albatross]

Short answer... yes. It is called enabling.

 

[Sweetpea76]

I ditto @The Albatross.

It can be enabling or codependent. The line is when you start being a doormat.

Your happiness matters too, and even with PTSD, a relationship runs both ways. Giving some leeway for a rough patch is one thing, being miserable forever is another. In cases like that it isn't anybody's fault... Some sufferers can't manage a relationship, and some supports can't handle the PTSD symptoms. The key is to figure that all out.

 

[Chava]

So I ask, is there such thing as too much support?

Yes. Enabling is one extreme. But I've felt "too much" from quite benign support. I've also honestly not even recognized support or care for what it was...like it does not reach me. I did not have warmth or much love or support growing up, so I only recognize and tolerate it from others in tiny doses and I've very selective about who I let in and if they can even be supports. A few friends have wanted to help but I haven't let them in far, so they feel insulted...and that just makes me feel more disconnected actually.

I'm working at recognizing and accepting support, but also asking for it (that's harder). It helps to have a therapist. I'm working very slowly to let only a couple other people in closer. I don't know how to do relationships.

I'd say keep letting her know you're there and that you care, but if she doesn't seem responsive maybe don't push harder, just try to be consistent somewhat and notice how/when you can help her. I don't have much else to offer from my perspective of not doing relationships at all.

 

[Friday]

Such a thing as too much support? Yep. Absolutely anything beyond which you feel comfortable giving.

Doesn't make it wrong if they need more than you feel comfortable giving. Just makes it a bad match.

1 person may make the worlds best SAHP (stay at home parent) but need to be financially supported. If you're a badass worker, love being the security and support for your family, but not incredibly keen on staying home with the kids? Overjoyed at how your partner is rocking out on the home front while you rock star at work? The two of you have this bitch down! Hell. Yes. So have each other's backs. Good match. // If you feel like your "so called partner" is just a burden? Cry yourself to sleep listening to stories in your head of how so&so's real partner just got a promotion, or how they both trade off time with the kids, grit your teeth when you see nannies & preschool ads, are so damn tired of being the only thing between your family and homelessness? Or had dreams of staying home yourself, and now that's been taken from you? Not a good match.

People have different need/wants. Loving someone else? Only the tip of the iceberg in building a life together.

Lining up what you feel comfortable giving, with what they need/want, & vice versa... What they feel comfortable giving with what you need/want? Huge.

 

[Sighs]

Giving some leeway for a rough patch is one thing, being miserable forever is another.

Oh lordy yes! But sometimes its hard to tell whether this is just a looong rough patch or its time to ride off into the sunset...

 

[Sweetpea76]

Vey true @Sighs ... it sucks to have to use your own sanity as a yardstick, but sometimes that is the case.