Is This Dissociation Or Emotional Numbness?

[stringthe0ry]

My therapists dont think I have ptsd but I know there's something wrong with me, I have had this feeling since my dad forced me to masterbate for three hours when I was a child, then he forced me to give him a blowjob.

I told the psychologists it was a babysitter so they dont break confidentiality, but the feeling I have I'm not sure if it is dissociation or emotional numbness or both. It feels like I'm disconnected from the world around me, its like living in a bubble.

Before what my dad did to me I felt full of life in comparison and it felt as though my surroundings had more life in it, it was beautiful, I know that if I get back to that state of mind I will be very happy, I think about it all the time, being numb is so crap.

There is a website that says the symptoms of emotional numbnness are; lack of interest in anything, inability to feel love ect. and those two apply to me. Is feeling disconnected from the world around you dissociation?

 

[Deleted member 1860]

Well, first off, if your therapists say you don't have PTSD, that doesn't mean that there's nothing wrong with you. That just means you fail to have all of the criteria to meet a PTSD diagnosis. It is possible that you have post traumatic stress symptoms without having the full disorder.

I think what you're describing is derealization or depersonalization...I've had a similar experience before, and one of my old therapists explained it to me, but I can't remember which one it was (its been a few years now).

When I'm emotionally numb, I'm fully here but just can't feel. No happiness, no sadness, and best of all, no anxiety. I can fully function, it's just that my emotions are gone. Sometimes I shut down, sometimes I don't. So I don't fully agree with emotional numbness always causing lack of interest in anything. But, maybe that's just me?

 

[Shellbell]

I have emotional numbness about certain trauma's, even a more minor one of mine e.g. being attacked in a park, where I had a knife at my throat and he was wrestling me to a bush/tree area. I knew I was in grave danger and it felt like it all happened in slow motion. I can talk about that in a completely detached way and have no emotion about it at all. Totally emotionally numb. I've never cried about that. It's like I'm talking about something I saw on the TV.

I also have dissociation - sometimes it's just feeling 'zoned out', just detached from my surroundings and not feeling anything but fully aware of what's going on around me. Sometimes I can't remember driving home - even if I got petrol as well.

But if I'm really emotionally distressed the dissociation is different - it starts going all blurry and then I am far away and only vaguely aware of my surroundings. This happened in therapy last week and my therapist spend about 30 minutes helping me 'ground'. I couldn't have driven home the way I was. She's told me not to think about the trauma's in any detail if possible (bar flashbacks, nightmares which are unavoidable) - only talk about it when I am with her. So, I'm not really sure if that's dissociation or something else?

So, I am confused too :confused:

 

[Abstract]

Hi, I am sorry about what happened to you. That sounds very traumatising.

As SOL said you absolutely can be traumatised and not have PTSD just because you don't have "enough" of the symptoms to be diagnosed. Sometimes someone who has experienced trauma can have Depersonalisation Disorder and not have all the criteria for PTSD.

I do think this sounds very likely to be a type of dissociation that you are experiencing. There are many different forms that D comes in. D is also a way of protecting you from difficult feelings.

I hope you get some help with what what you went through. Take care.

 

[Cerulean Synapse]

Oh my god, that sounds horrible what you have been through. I think you probably should have put a trigger notice on the subject line. I do that just in case there are sensitive audiences.

First of all, I would get yourself a second opinion, because it sounds like you got yourself a case of depersonalization, not dissociation and those go hand and hand with ptsd. Although, usually when I dissociate, and it's not one of my other identities, I lose time like I've been asleep and I travel to different places sometimes.

Seriously, you told that to your therapist and these symptoms and it sounds like you are still traumatized by it, and she/he says you don't have ptsd? I've had my own sexual abuse experiences, and let me tell you the flashbacks still haunt me today, and my others/alters have a say or two in it which can be somewhat annoying.

I know therapists are not easy to replace, and I hate hearing this from people too, but I would get yourself at least a second opinion and figure out what your options are, to see if there is better treatment out there, because when I was first diagnosed, I had no idea what I was getting myself into. I still don't, but I tried and tried until I found a therapist that fit right with me, and meets my needs.

If you need to talk I'm here. Sexual abuse is the worst. Look up depersonalization, it's very different from dissociation, from what I experience.

 

[TeaLeaf]

Stringthe0ry- what happened to you was aweful, no one should have to go through that.

I have experienced dissociation and emotional numbness. As others have mentioned, what you are describing sounds like emotional numbness or depersonalization. Depersonalization is more of an experience of being detached, I experience it as looking into a mirror and not seeing me as connected to emotions, thoughts, experiences or connection to myself or anyone else. Dissociation seems to more loaded with anxiety in terms of being somewhere else or at least that is how I experience it.

 

[Whirlwind]

I'm sorting out the difference too. What you went through is just terrible. I am sorry you have to carry that in your life.

Is feeling disconnected from the world around you dissociation?

I think the lines blur...but you don't need to dissociate or have every PTSD..its not a club and if you don't "qualify" that doesn't diminish your bad experience! I did NOT have PTSD, or not enough for decades and now I do, I hate to admit it but I fit the bill to a T.

I wish I would have realized where I was headed and done something about it BEFORE. Maybe you can head it off before it gets worse. That would be a great thing.

Here's a bit of my experience with the two fyi....

I have been aware of some emotional disconnect in my life but I didn't realize I was also dissociating until recently. I think this is the difference...dissociation I can make 2 hours feel like 5 minutes. I can start to "day dream" and lose half a day or more. I'm sorta there but the world is insulated, I feel packed in cotton. I kind of like it to be honest.

I found a few serious stressors caused me to go blank, I sat down on some steps and froze for what turned out to be hours. My back was killing me when I started to come around. It struck me afterward that I remember this routine, its very old and I've done it for a long time. Much less in my adult life but its back now and accessible.

As for numbness, I am just realizing the extent. I can recall some memories, they are not new but I am shocked when they come through "live" these days. I almost can't believe I have been aware of the memory and not reacted until now. That is more disturbing to me than the dissociation.

I knew I was in grave danger and it felt like it all happened in slow motion.

I totally get this.

I'm sure others will post to give you some more information.

Best, Whirlwind

 

[Britt.f7]

I just looked this up using a link someone else gave, because I wasn't sure if emotional numbness was dissociation. According to the website, it is a part of it.

Here is the site: The Touch

This is what it says:

"In severe forms of dissociation, disconnection occurs in the usually integrated functions of consciousness, memory, identity, or perception. For example, someone may think about an event that was tremendously upsetting yet have no feelings about it. Clinically, this is termed emotional numbing, one of the hallmarks of post-traumatic stress disorder"


Here is something from the National Institute of Health: http://www.ncbi.nlm.nih.gov/pmc/articles/PMC1525127/

I found the most helpful part of it is if you scroll down to the Detachment and Compartmentalization section, which talks in detail about their relation to dissociation.

I encourage you to read both articles, if like me, you are confused by the mere word.

 

[MadMan]

As far as I remember, dissosiation can take several forms (grouped into vertical and horizontal splitting).

Emotional numbness as you describe it is one of them. When I'm in this state, I can witness the most beautiful or horrific things without responding emotionally inside whatsoever.

Depersonalization as described in a response, is a feeling of detatchement from the surrounding as like you were inside you own bubble as described, or in a dreamlike state. When more severe you don't feel like you are inside you own body. When I'm in this state, I feel like I'm sitting in a kind of controll senter inside my head and the rest of my body is a robot. In more severe cases I can cut myself without feeling pain, because I'm so mentally detatched from my body.

Amnesia is another form of dissosiation. Missing rememberance of special insidents, typically related to situations with extreme mental stress.

Multiple personality is yet another one. Mind is splitted into two or more personalities, which may or may not be beware of the other. One personality may not know what the other did.

 

[MadMan]

I see something got lost in my previous post. I have two examples of different kind of amnesia.

One is related to specific stressful incidents, like one time I remember fleeing through the forest and out in the dark streets in a nearby small town, hiding from the street lights. Can't remember what happened earlier that day, but it was a time of much violence and home attacks, it has been "erased" from my memory.

The other type of amnesia is more general, like when someone calls me and we agree upon meeting in one hour. Later he calls me and ask where I am, and I cannot recall having the first conversation at all. Or when I pick up my sister at her home. Later that evening I cannot remember where she lives, no matter how hard I try, even though I've been there some 20 times. I even forget the names of my closest friends.

 

[saffy]

I have huge blocks of missing memories, years even where I cannot place anything like they did not exist. If little fleeting pictures come to mind it is normally a memory of a photo rather than the actual event. If I do picture things like this I have no recolection of how old I was, what year it was, nothing. It is like huge chunks of my life are gone.

On a shorter memory term I can forget what I was saying, or the whole conversation if there was an interuption. Completely blank. That happens often. I tend to ramble to and forget what I started talking about. Sometimes when people are talking I completely zone out.

Emotionally I am only just started to get affected by things I see ot hear, before I could watch or listen with no reaction at al, still do a lot of the time. However, now if something affects me I get constant horrible flashbacks about it, so I wish it did not affect me after all.

I can sometime be surrounded by people I know and yet feel very lonely. I feel I am not a part of it, a seperate entity looking in.

Sometimes I find this very disarming and tense. I'm then alert to a way out or get uneasy and start saying or doing stupid things. This does not help either ;)

I feel that others who read this will understand.

Best wishes
Saffy :)