Relationship Is This For Real?

[Lem1910]

So maybe a few people know the crazy stuff I have been going through with my boyfriend. He recently lost his uncle and since going home has pretty much become a rollercoaster of ups and downs. One minute he's twirling me which he says is cos he's happy about other things not me, and getting me gifts because he's just a nice person, and kissing me because he just gets Horny and I'm there next he's breaking up with me.
We had an awesome day yesterday. He got me a coffee while I was in the shower from my favorite place then we went to the docks had breakfast. Then he wanted to go fishing and east KFC on the beach then randomly last night he broke up with me. Said he needs space and it'll never work, that he's done for good and I have until Friday to get out. He told our friend I made him look stupid in front of his mother by wearing short tops (I wasn't she was just trying to be mean) and that I run everything (been doing all the chores because I thought this was PTSD).
I don't know if this is PTSD or if he really wants to never see me again because of these things. He seemed happy with me, he twirls me and hugs me and take photos of us...
Is he serious when he says never? He said he's decided and nothing will change his mind. This is our first night apart in so long and I miss him. I thought I was helping. He says you make mistakes and I should deal with the consequences. Why in the hell did he want to plan the wedding yesterday? And then dump me?

 

[anonymous]

It sounds like it could be a bit of PTSD mixed with a lot of grieving. None of us can tell you if he's serious when he says "never"....However, I urge you to do a bit of distancing from him. Let him know that you are there for him, but go about your own life and don't hinge everything on his whims. Grief is a crazy, crazy monster that is so incredibly unpredictable (and I say this as a sufferer who goes through the unpredictability of PTSD). In many ways we can figure out the hows and whys of a PTSD episode, but grief, at least to me, seems to have a lot less rhyme or reason. That is, you can't attribute stress to an overload of grief in the same way that you can attribute it to a PTSD episode. I know this isn't what you may want to hear, but I don't think there really is a good answer besides you'll have to wait and see. I really do think its time to postpone the wedding indefinitely. If he's calling it off (for whatever reason), then he's not ready to move forward with you at this point, even if he comes back to you tomorrow and says "lets keep planning the wedding."

 

[Friday]

I have no idea why sometimes:

I stand up and fight for someone... No way. You can be f*cked sideways right now, and I don't give a damn, I'm staying put. Space? Fine. But I'm not leaving. & Other times... I back the hell off. Burn that bridge another days. Patience, & breathe, & tranquilio. And I have no idea why, when others do that to me? Sometimes one works, and other times it's the other I need. Sometimes I need to be respected. Most of the time. I tend to be brutally honest, so if I'm saying XYZ? I mean XYZ. Sometimes I need to be fought for. Both approaches have worked, and both have gone badly, regardless of which side I'm on.

Spoiler: Unasked for advice on weddings

You might want to consider eloping.

Wedding stress sends normal people around the bend, stark raving mad, & oy vey run. I tried to have a grand total of 8 people at my wedding, and then a helluva honeymoon. My mom got ahold of it (via my now exHusband) and it turned into millions of people (about 150), a year of planning, and for the entire week leading up to it I couldn't eat or sleep. I was a wreck. The only part I remember*, really remember, is eating pizza in the hotel afterward and falling asleep. But of a sex fiend, me, and I couldn't even do that. Just, please god, let me sleep, and thank god the nightmare was over. At one point (about a month to go?) I had my son and myself in the airport heading for friends in Eastern Europe. If a war hadn't broken out & the flight cancelled? I would have been on that plane. I have the tickets around here somewhere. Walking down the aisle, the one thought I had was 'Next time I'm eloping.'

To be clear, I was madly in love with my now ex at the time, was married for 11 years, wasn't planning on divorcing ever. It was just that the wedding was too much. I was also complicit in the wedding. I wanted the dress. I wanted my ex happy. I wanted my mom happy. The expense was a huge guilt trip wrapped in a cattle prod. (The divorce cost 20x as much). If I could have just been taken for hair and makeup the day of? Been no part of the planning? Not told about it, not consulted, not overhearing constant references, not asked questions, not had to take time off work, not watched other people get all excited/stressed/pissed off... But the whole thing done almost in secret? Maybe I wouldn't have wigged out. Then again, maybe I would have.

 

[Sweetpea76]

((Hugs)) Whatever is up with him... you have to take care of yourself first.

 

[Lmm]

I went through something very similar recently. One day out of the blue he was done because he hated my ex husband. Nothing would change his mind. One day he snapped out of it. Now never even brings up my ex husband. I think he was going through his own issues. I guess every situation is different so don't want to give false hope, but things changed for me (though we still have a ton of issues). I think you do need to give space and you might get put through a roller coaster ride but good luck and I hope things work out for you!