Is This My Fault That This Happened Should I Have Known?

[cherry1234]

Hello this is the first time I'm going to talk about this this happened to me when I was quite young still I was 13 years old and going out with my boyfriend for 6 months plus he kept pressuring me to have sex (he was 15) eventually he started saying if I didn't have sex with him he would keep slapping me (not hard but he would slap my cheek when he said this) anyway he assured me he loved me and all that stuff so eventually I thought well we have been together 6 months plus now so I'm not a tramp for sleeping with him and he isn't going to leave me because he stuck around right?

So I end up doing it with him, in a very dark room I was scared and apprehensive and had no reason to doubt him he kept getting up during the act I assumed to do something with the condom etc or to just adjust himself I didn't think anything of it because I had no experience to compare it to :( but it turns out he got up to sneak his cousin into the room ( I had my eyes shut the whole time frankly I didnt enjoy any of it and found it quite upsetting, but I thought he loved me and I needed to do this for him) anyway turns out they were taking turns with me and I didn't even realise, I mean how is that even possible that I wouldn't know :( anyway when it was all over he made me have a shower with him then said he was tired and I told me he would see me tomorrow, as I was walking home two other guys that he had also offered 'a go at me to" told me what had actually went down, they looked at me quite weirdly and said they said no because they respect me and wouldn't do that to me (these guys were younger 12- 13 year olds) but they looked at me like how could you not know! Needless to say I was mortified and extremely disgusted in myself.

The next day I saw my then boyfriend downtown with his cousin and he wouldn't talk to me they just laughed at me in front of everyone and they told people because other people were laughing at me as well calling me a s*** etc, I moved town not long after this happened (I was in foster care).

My problem is I'm now 30+ I still dwell on this incident and feel somewhat dirty and unclean about it but I feel I have no right to feel this way I gave my boyfriend permission and how the f*ck could I not know the other guy was inside me how could I not feel the difference :( I'm so ashamed about this is this my fault this happened how do I get past it?

Should I talk to my husband about this, what if he thinks I'm a dirty so and so :( also I'm not sure if this is the right forum for this or the place to ask but I really need to try and get past this it really still upsets me sometimes but sometimes I'm fine and ok I don't know what to do

 

[therapybankrupt]

Cherry

That was an awful experience. I do not believe it was your fault. You did not agree to what happened. Do You have PTSD? A therapist? You might find the sister web site The Sex Abuse Forum helpful also. I do not know about your relationship with your husband and I feel if you are unsure you should share it with him. You really need to think this through.I think it is pretty heavy and maybe you can get some coaching or help with this. I hope you find healing!

TB

 

[ms spock]

No this is not your fault that this happened Cherry1234.

You were bullied into having sex when you were too young and ill prepared.

You need to drop the magical thinking that somehow, at 13, you should have been able to see you were being set up. It is just not possible to be that wise at 13 or really in any situation that you are being abused, emotionally black mailed, tormented, manipulated and used.

This is not a sexual encounter that you are describing Cherry, this is sexual abuse and/or assault without consent at all.

Even your initial consent is suspect because of the manipulation and blackmail of your "boyfriend".

None of this was your fault. You have nothing to feel mortified or disgusted about. Give back the blame to where it belongs with this cretin and his cousin, two disgusting human beings who manipulated and abused you. That is terrible thing to do to another person.

You have every right to be angry about how your boyfriend treated you. You didn't give him permission to pimp you out to his cousin. You were too young to have sex even - you were blackmailed and - who would have sex with someone too scared to open their eyes. No one that I know who is sane and reasonable.

You were used and abused. You were too young and in a foster home. You were so vulnerable.

Have you got a psychologist or psychriatrist to talk to?

Talk about it to a professional before you talk to your husband. He will probably be in shock that you were treated so badly. I would be if my partner told me about such a situation.

 

[cherry1234]

I have never ever told someone about this in real life. I feel like the will think I was loose or something for not knowing. A part of me knows this is not rational thinking most of the time I try just not to think about at it all ever and I'm quite successful at doing that most of the time but other times I feel so unclean about it all and so ashamed. No I don't have anyone to talk about it with I have never talked to a counsellor or psychiatrist about anything being in foster care in many different families leads me to be quite closed off to talking to people about personal stuff.

 

[ms spock]

Can you print out what you wrote here Cherry and show it to a professional that you trust?

A part of me knows this is not rational thinking most of the time

This is good news Cherry, that a part of your knows it is not rational thinking.

 

[saffy]

You certainly was not at fault at all Cherry1234.

These boys took great advantage of you and their behaviour is disgusting and they should be ashamed of themselves. But I know how much it hurts and how much it affects you through bitter experience of being 'used' myself.

My advice would be to accept that you were an innocent victim in it and would not have known what they were up to at all.

What are you expecting from your husband if you tell him the this? Remember he loves you for who you are now :)

Maybe telling us will have helped a lot.? :)

Maybe you just needed the reassurance that we agree with you that you were innocent and abused by two bullies. Who are probably still crap in bed and treat women like shit.

Bullying has massive consequences to the victim and the fact they could even do this to a girl just shows the type of bumholes they really are as people. I doubt if you were the only one who was abused by them either. grrrr, people like this make me so angry but I pity them too.

We are all here if you need us :0

best wishes
Saffy :)

 

[Jlso111187]

I do have to say telling your husband will be hard. When I told my husband it was one of the hardest things I've done.

But it turned out to be one of the best moves I've ever made. Now when I dont want to have sex he understands that its one of my bad times. Where as before he thought because I was going months without sex that either I was cheating or that I was no longer attracted to him.

We don't talk much about it, but that's my choice. But when I wake up screaming or am in a crowd of people staring blankly my husband grabs my hand and is there to tell me things are fine and everything will be ok. It's nice not to be able to hide how I feel when I'm scared or when things trigger flashbacks.

Ultimately its your choice, but I say take your time think things through and when you feel your strong enough tell him.

 

[winterose]

It isn't your fault at all Cherry. Think Ms Spock hit the nail right on the head.I think getting a therapist would help and letting your husband in so you can start to build a support system. Be gentle with yourself. You are NOT at fault.

 

[NarcSis]

I agree, Ms Spock is right, one key thing in all of this that keeps you suffering is your I Should Have statements.

Your innocence was evident from your story and that innocence was taken advantage of by someone who was cruel and unfeeling - none of that was your fault, there was no way you could have known. Call it what it is, you were the victim of a ruse that culminated in sexual assault. You didn't do anything to yourself, you merely trusted as a young girl in love would. Innocent.

I would preface any talk with your husband by sharing with him your fears about judgement surrounding the story, don't trivialize it by making light of it, let him know that this is hard for you.

Also, talk to a professional, get some help reconciling this issue for your own peace of mind. Forgive yourself.

 

[ms spock]

You really need to ease up on beating yourself for being young and innocent Cherry. This will take time. You need to be kind to yourself.

I hope you get to speak to a professional and sort it out a little before you tell your husband. But if that doesn't happen then Medic72's suggestion of telling your husband that his is a big and upsetting deal for you before telling him is important.

 

[ptsdhelpandawareness]

Hi Cherry1234, You are very brave to share what went on. As others have said you have no blame to shoulder. What they did was wrong abusive and unlawful. It is a great step to have spoken out about it here and recounting the incident can not have been easy.

Firstly you did nothing wrong and are not to blame, you are the victim in this incident.

The previous posts offer some good advice about how you can move forward. I would suggest seeking further support for yourself to look at what you are going to do about telling you husband, if that is the best avenue for you to take. Also you can look at the various ways this is effecting you and your feelings.

You have taken this step which is huge, plan your next step and do what is best for you.

Nic