Sufferer Is This Really Ptsd?

[MacJ]

Hi, first time poster here, please bear with me.

I've been seeing various therapists for years, my current for about a year. I've had social anxiety and constant depression for as long as I can remember, and when I was 13 I abruptly went catatonic for 2 weeks for no physical reason, and it took months to recover.

This has been pegged to straightforward anxiety for years. However, I was talking about my childhood experiences with my therapist, and she suddenly told me she suspects PTSD.

This really surprised me, but the more she explained and the more I researched it, the more it made sense. (I used to be convinced I would die at the age of 22. I'm now 24)

Now, there's two parts to this.The first is that the bad memories I have are of bullying when I was in elementary school, mostly through them shunning me, my best friend as their ringleader. I still haven't been able to let go, but I don't have intense flashbacks, just short breath, faintness, and panic if I think I'm detecting signs of it happenng again. It's nowhere near as bad as the websites describe and what I see on here.

Part two: I went to talk to my mom about it, compare what she saw with what I remembered, talk it out. She went quiet and said she had always wondered about my preschool. Oh wait, what?
I've had a scar on my vagina for an unknown amount of time (discovered it something like 10 years ago), but seeing it does not trigger any feelings, nor do I have any memories or feelings about my preschool. Apparenlty, though, my personality did a complete 180 back then.

Is it possible to have such thoroughly repressed memories, or for it to be "mild" PTSD from the bullying? (I know there's no such thing as mild, which is why I start to have doubts.)

Thanks for your patience in reading all of this.

 

[Deleted member 1860]

Hi, and welcome.

Yes, it is possible to get PTSD from bullying. I am suspecting that perhaps there is more to your story though? I'm not sure if you're minimizing what happened to you or if you just don't remember everything. Either way, I would continue with therapy as that's how you'll be able to give your therapist a more thorough picture so that she'll be able to determine if it really is PTSD or not.

There are others here who have PTSD from bullying as well.

 

[Caterpillar]

It's certainly entirely possible to have repressed a traumatic memory to the point you have no idea it even exists, especially if you were very young at the time. That's not the case for me, but I've seen it happen with others. Of course, that doesn't mean something *did* happen to you, but it would be worth exploring in therapy to see if there is a hidden root cause to your anxiety.

 

[franciemarnie]

I was wondering if the conversation ended when your mom made that comment. When you did a 180 and she had suspicions, didn't she check into that pre-school situation? Ask you anything at the time? Take you to the doctor? Did you ask her about this? You could look into records.

But of course this would stir up a lot you may not be ready to. I wonder what your T has to say.

If something besides bullying happened - and bullying is quite enough on its own to do great damage - it will emerge someday most likely - in dreams or involuntary images or somatic stuff.

I sure hope your mother watched out for you when you were growing up. That can't prevent bullying or PTSD, but it helps. At least she noticed something went wrong along the way.

I hope you have the best therapy and get some healing.

 

[WillyKat]

I was sexually abused by an older boy when I was six and repressed the memory completely until I was 21. That's not such an uncommon story.

Traumatic events overwhelm human ability to categorize, make sense of, and store information in the same way we can store pleasant memories. So we can't recall them as memories. It's almost like they get stored as a constant state of anxiety. I'm grossly oversimplifying, but my point is that yes, repressing memories is pretty common.

Keep working with your therapist on this, especially regarding what your mother may or may not know. Please keep us informed.

 

[open eyes]

Usually PTSD is caused by situations in which your life is in danger, or you perceive your life is in danger. However if there was an incident prior to the bullying, the bullying can really aggravate the problem & affect you much more.

 

[Hashi]

Hi MacJ,

Welcome to the forum.

Just to add to what open eyes has said, threat to physical and sexual integrity can also cause PTSD.

Criterion A outlines events that are considered traumatic enough for a PTSD diagnosis, which include but not limited to, war as a combatant or civilian, threatened or actual physical assault (robbery, mugging, physical attack, childhood physical abuse), threatened or actual sexual violation (forced sexual penetration, alcohol / drug-facilitated sexual penetration, abusive sexual contact, noncontact sexual abuse, sexual trafficking), being kidnapped, taken hostage, terrorist attack, torture, prisoner of war, natural or man-made disasters, medical (waking during surgery, anaphylactic shock) and severe motor vehicle accidents.
[DLMURL]https://www.myptsd.com/c/articles/posttraumatic-stress-disorder.7/[/DLMURL]

So bullying could fit the criteria depending on the form it took. Being shunned wouldn't. As @open eyes says, a later situation can bring out or add to PTSD symptoms even though it wouldn't in itself cause PTSD. Looking at criteria and symptoms on the internet isn't enough, though, and you are right to be consulting a professional because only they can assess and diagnose.

What seems more relevant is the two weeks of catatonia, what your mother has said and the unexplained scar. I don't know what they represent, and I don't know whether you have PTSD. All I can say is that it is possible to block out a memory. I did this myself for many years, with several memories. It's called selective amnesia or traumatic amnesia.

I found it a very strange idea to get my head around. It seemed so unbelievable. I didn't know that it's not uncommon, especially when severe trauma is experienced at a young age. It's the only way we have to protect ourselves, because we're not emotionally, psychologically or practically equipped to deal with something that is so devastating and such a threat. So the mind puts it away where we won't consciously be aware of it.

What helped me understand it was knowing what often happens with bereavement. At first, the bereaved person might keep forgetting that the other person has died. Sometimes they go into outright denial. Their mind can't take it in, so they think it didn't happen. That's usually short term, but knowing that happens helped me to see how it could happen on a bigger scale when we're traumatised. In that case, it can take years to emerge.

I discovered that something that always needs to be considered in the case of untreatable depression is the possibility of repressed trauma in childhood. It isn't automatically the reason, but it might be.

Like I say, I don't know what the situation is in your case. I just wanted to explain that what your therapist is wondering about is - sadly - possible. If this does turn out to be the case, please know that awareness is the first step in healing.

 

[MacJ]

Wow, so many responses! Sorry I couldn't reply back to any of you sooner.

@Solara : You're right, there is a little bit more, but I didn't want to make the first post longer than it was. I was born hearing impaired, and figured out early on that they wanted me to raise my hand every time they pushed a button or whistled during the tests, so wasn't actually diagnosed until I was 4. This made social interactions with other kids and the rest of the world extremely difficult since I couldn't communicate or understand what others were trying to tell me. My dad and preschool teacher (the one my mom tells me I began to avoid) both grew frustrated with my lack of understanding. So anything that happened during that time and my adjustment to hearing aids may have been magnified by that.

And as for the 4th grade bullying, I only remember the shunning, but I did ask my mom (we've had several long conversations) and she remembers me mentioning other things too, but she was unspecific as to what since it's fuzzy for her as well.

@franciemarnie : We changed preschools not too long afterwards, and I do remember the second preschool just fine.

 

[MacJ]

Thanks everybody for replying. Wish I had more to say in response, but it's really appreciated.

I admit I get kind of dizzy when I push the research and this subject too hard, but there's a chance it's just me reacting how I think I should be reacting maybe? Like how peoples memories can be influenced by simple suggestions.

 

[intothelight]

Hi Mac,

Welcome to the forum!

Keep working with your therapist, and work on making your life better in the present. Memory is a tricky thing and repressed memories even more so. Usually, when memories come back, it is best to verify them with someone if that is possible. But even if a person can't, it doesn't mean that you can't proceed with treatment and deal with the emotions, behaviors, or issues that are disrupting your life.

I hope you find the information and support here helpful.

Debbie