Is Your Abuser Still In Your Life?

[Naoru]

You aren't stupid at all. Most of my abusers are still in my life, which definitely makes things unbearable and confusing at times as they are family. How do I cope? Well, sometimes I don't, if I'm honest...well, not in any positive way. If one of my rapists were to pop back up in my life, I'm not really sure what I would do... and it's a very real possibility in my current circumstances.

I'd say you're having a normal reaction and you aren't losing it, but be sure to do any positive coping skills you have learned and try to surround yourself with a support system (they don't even have to know why)... and reach out to your therapist, if you have one.

 

[Deleted member 29920]

No, I cut all contact with my momster when I was 25, and last year I got a solicitor to tell her to stay away from me because she still phoned, texted, wrote, buzzed my door, all of which I never responded to, she was persistent. I can't bear to have someone as evil and mentally unstable near me. I would have to be really desperate to ever get back in touch with her. I hope that never happens. Loneliness is better than regularly and repeatedly having your mind f*cked by a child sex offender.

 

[Lotis]

since I put him in jail I have this power over him that he no longer has on me, which means I am in control of what happens now and he will never be able to get to me again.

Good for you! The biggest difference is that I did not put my abuser in jail and never told anyone but a therapist about what happened. I am still coming to terms with what happened. It would have been easier if I spoke up and told my parents what was happening.

as I will for the rest of my life, everyday I exist there is a fight inside me that will go on, I never give up, I keep fighting because I have no choice. And every time a I get a piece of myself back I know that its worth this fight.

I think you are so strong. What you wrote is inspirational and I will try to carry that with me.

I am a strong person and sometimes its hard as hell to live this reality, I just have to remember that my life was horrific for a long time but I have gotten to a place where my life couldn't be better and no matter what happens I have my own life to go on with.

I admire your positive outlook. How did you get to such a place where you could come to terms with what happened?

Thank you for replying.

L

 

[Lotis]

When i was 20, my parents made me take the man who raped me at age 12 around the city when he was visiting. He tried the same thing. I kicked him in the crotch and dropped him back at his hotel.

@CrowFeather Can I just say how mad that made me?Curse your parents really for putting you in that position! Glad you kicked him and I hope he dropped to the floor!

~L

 

[Lotis]

Because it's all DV related, however, it all funnels through family court, instead of criminal court. Which means no jail time. He'd have to actually kill -not just attempt to kill- one of us for it to change courts. Really f*cking lovely system we've get here.

I am so sorry - this must be so so hard for you and your children to deal with. Our judicial system really is f'ed up!
Keep fighting though and keep yourself and your kids safe no matter what. :hug:
~L

 

[Lotis]

Nope, you're not crazy. You might feel a little crazy because having an abuser even on the periphery of your life is crazy-making but, no, you're not crazy.

@BuckarooBanzai Exactly! Everything feels different. I feel like I am being invaded all over again. It is like being haunted, since he has been a ghost for years. This person was never completely out of my life - but for years he was gone because I moved away and avoided situations where I may see that person. However, things have changed and his presence is back. Since it has happened I feel like I am walking in a dream. Glad I am not the only one ...
~L

 

[Lotis]

It is definitely far from unheard of. It is probably actually somewhat common.

@Klo I guess it is also more difficult when it is a family member who is still admired among other family members. When this particular family member still has a golden light shining above their head it could be difficult!

My advice would be to practice the "grey rock" method

What is the grey rock method?

~L

 

[Lotis]

You aren't stupid at all. Most of my abusers are still in my life, which definitely makes things unbearable and confusing at times as they are family. How do I cope? Well, sometimes I don't, if I'm honest.

@Naoru Thank you for saying I am not stupid. The flood of feelings has really taken a hold of me. Growing up I had more than one abuser, my father being one of them. He is still in my life and although I will never forget what he has done to me I have made peace with it per say. Also, he is a very different man than the father I knew growing up. I am ok with this. What I am not OK with is this person popping back up i n my life in anyway. This is a person who tormented me and changed the course of my life forever. He took everything from me. I know I need to remind myself he cannot hurt me but the memories and unexpected flashbacks are the hardest to deal with.

I'd say you're having a normal reaction and you aren't losing it,

I think my reaction is normal but the situation is crazy and the abuse was crazy therefore it is making me FEEL crazy! I don't have a therapist currently so it makes this even harder. I am trying to surround myself with supportive people and reminding myself I have a different life now and although his disgusting presence poped up HE is not my life.

~L

 

[Lotis]

Loneliness is better than regularly and repeatedly having your mind f*cked by a child sex offender.

I agree with you!

 

[VioletButterfly]

Yes, my abuser seems to inhabit every corner of my life as I am now her caretaker. She has dementia and I'm her POA. This brings the other abusers into the loop as well, as I have to advocate for my mom every time I turn around, telling others to stay out of the situation, that I am making good decisions. The worst is when my know it all domineering sister sticks her nose in and stirs up trouble with the facility. She's pretty nasty to them. I won't speak to her so then she tries to pull my dad into the scenario. He claims not to take sides, but I have a different perspective on that, so I'm basically in this alone with the care team 4 states away. It's wearisome and horribly upsetting that my life is going down the tubes while I see to this neglectful, narcissistic, caustic and selfish alcoholic on the last part of her journey. . It's horrendous every day of my life and I feel like I live in a haunted space in my head - not really existing except to take care of her needs.. I have found no hope except when I can manage to sit alone with God and take it one minute at a time.

I wish I had more cheerful suggestions, although I do see many mentioned in the responses before mine. I hope you can find strength and peace. Best to you. VB

 

[Klo]

@Klo I guess it is also more difficult when it is a family member who is still admired among other family members. When this particular family member still has a golden light shining above their head it could be difficult!

What is the grey rock method?

~L

A lot of abusive types do a lot of the shit they do just to get a reaction out of their targets. Any reaction, any attention, as long as they are getting your focus and energy. The concept of going "grey rock" is to make yourself as boring as a grey rock. No expression, no saying anything other than the bare minimum, giving only short and neutral responses as you excuse yourself, "Hmm I see," or "Well I have to go," and so on. Just be boring and unresponsive and leave.

 

[Lotis]

A lot of abusive types do a lot of the shit they do just to get a reaction out of their targets. Any reacti...

Ohhhh ok!! That is what I've tried to do IF I have to ever actually interact with him. At a party recently I just stayed away from him. I caught him staring at me a few times but i did not give him the satisfaction of recognizing that he was looking. It was the best thing i ever did. I felt, for the first time in control around him and not tiny. It's a little thing but felt powerful.
L