Relationship Is Your Loved One Also On This Site? How Do You Manage It?

[feetfirst]

Is your loved one, i.e. supporter/sufferer, also on this site? If so, how do you manage it?

I've felt so much better about things since finding this site a few weeks ago. Hearing supporter after supporter experiencing exactly what I've experienced has been so helpful in helping me put things into perspective. One prime example is in coming to truly understand and accept his need for significant amounts of alone time. He's told me it's not about me, but you're really brought home the fact that his need to be alone is not about me. Thank you so much.

I want to tell S about this site, but I have some concerns about us both being here. He's very private. I want to respect his privacy, but I also want to receive the kind of support that sharing on this site offers. I've been in 12 step programs since the late 80's, so I know as long as I keep the focus on me, I have a right to share whatever I need to share to get the support I need. I'm concerned that if I tell him about this site, he'll get upset if he follows what I post. I guess we could agree we won't disclose our usernames to each other to give us some privacy, but that seems like a recipe for disaster. If S read my posts, there'd be zero doubt it was me writing the post. I think we might both be concerned about being found and not fully share.

Part of me thinks that he should have first dibs on being here, since it may be really helpful for him to know he's not alone. He does suffer, to a degree, from "terminal uniqueness" though, so he's not usually interested in anyone who might be like him. I wouldn't want to give up my opportunity to really benefit from the site because I agreed to stay away, especially if he decided not to participate.
Obviously I'm confused and interested in how other members have navigated these waters.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

Well, it depends, on several things I think.

First, how trusting are you to say "if you see something i write, dont look at it" that he wont?

If you dont give user names, can you be vauge enough to still gain support?

Which one of you two needs the support most right now?

Can you give him, say, a month and then ask he back off if you want support. Or give it to him and ask him not to use it until you've worked out what you need?

Can one pay premium and one not? Not to gip the site but to give the one access to the premium members discussion area thats not accessable other then by other then premium members.

It honest would boil down to you two and your relationship and trust that, even if one may see something they dont like, that they dont use that to fuel a fight. Maybe just a rule that what is here stays here and under site rules, which you dont have in your private life.

It would be good for you both so that last part may be the "it" for it. You know? Its there for you both but you cant use it for fuel. Though, I do know PTSD as Im a sufferer and i cant say that I muself could trust that for myself. So i dont know.

 

[Sighs]

Is he a combat vet? If so you could direct him to the sister site mycombatptsd.com. No supporters allowed there. Just vets.

 

[feetfirst]

It honest would boil down to you two and your relationship and trust that, even if one may see something they dont like, that they dont use that to fuel a fight. Maybe just a rule that what is here stays here and under site rules, which you dont have in your private life.

@lostforgottensoul Thanks for your input. You've given me much to consider. I too like the option of agreeing that what we see can't be used as fuel. As I was considering your response, it occurred to me that once I tell him about the site, he'll be able to see what I post without ever having to join. Much of his thinking in relation to me is distorted, so it worries me a bit that even if what we see can't be used as fuel in a disagreement, what I share (especially if it has any hint of being critical) could be used to fuel his distorted thinking.

@Sighs that's a great suggestion, but he's not a vet.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

Much of his thinking in relation to me is distorted, so it worries me a bit that even if what we see can't be used as fuel in a disagreement, what I share (especially if it has any hint of being critical) could be used to fuel his distorted thinking.

Thats a vaild worry. So then, likely if you post about, say a fight to work out your own issues, he may use that to fuel another fight. Or you may say something non-critical that he will take as critisim. Or even take a constructive critisim others might say, or you might say, to heart (non-constructive).

You certianly have vaild worries and so since he does see a lot of distortion, I think it will come down to whom needs the site more, you or him.

 

[joeylittle]

I'm concerned that if I tell him about this site, he'll get upset if he follows what I post. I guess we could agree we won't disclose our usernames to each other to give us some privacy, but that seems like a recipe for disaster. If S read my posts, there'd be zero doubt it was me writing the post. I think we might both be concerned about being found and not fully share.

To be honest, this is what I've seen happen. Both posters end up leaving.

Unless you are both very secure in your ability to respect the other's boundaries - and, say, agree to put each other on 'ignore' (which prevents you from seeing the ignored member's posts), or to stay out of each other's areas altogether (whichever one of you is the supporter only goes into the supporters area), then it's probably not likely to work.

If you can agree on boundaries, then I'd say you can give it a shot. But you'd want to have that discussion before-hand, and very transparently.

 

[feetfirst]

@Link Removed Thanks.

To be honest, this is what I've seen happen. Both posters end up leaving.

@joeylittle: I really appreciate your honesty.


I have much to think about.