Sufferer Isolated For Years By Abusive Parents

[LittleLady]

I feel sheepish for even feeling like I have a problem when so many are here because of combat experience, rape, or other situations that seem more valid than mine. Those of you who have suffered PTSD due to those situations are the real heroes; you have faced larger-than-life problems and continue trying to live your life and I admire you for your courage.

For myself, both parents had problems of their own. Both were addicted almost immediately to any substance that came within reach, both have had problems with anorexia and suicidal tendencies off and on. As a child I had this deep, caring understanding that my parents were hurting. Now I can't even feel grateful for the days I manage to get in touch with that feeling; most of the time it feels like all I have left is this anger that has almost simmered its way to boiling.

Due to previously existing schizophrenia (on his records) combined with years of all sorts of drugs both legal and illegal, my father became so paranoid that he pulled me and my siblings from school when I was 13. I remember little of that time except for memory fragments of being in a cold, dark house and usually kept isolated even from other family members.

Dad's not there to isolate me anymore, but I find that now I often do it to myself. I feel so tired after being face-to-face with people at work all day, all I want afterward is to shut my phone off and be alone.

 

[PerfectEmpire]

Welcome to the forum. There are many members here with similar upbringings and/or similar parents. You are not alone!

Accepting the magnitude of the damage is one of the most heartbreaking, painful parts of PTSD. It is much easier to minimize the hurt by pandering to others with "worse" experiences, but that will keep you running in circles and prevent you from making any real progress. We often do this because of the way we were raised and because we are avoiding facing the pain and working through the grief.

I think that it can be argued that adult children of abusive/neglectful parents, who choose to overcome their upbringings and break the chain of abuse/neglect are also "real heroes". Overcoming a warped mind from a warped upbringing is incredibly difficult.

Also, how is a LIFETIME of dysfunction and deep, abstract, psychological violation not "larger-than-life"? Movies can have rape scenes and war scenes, but how can they adequately portray a pervasive dysfunctional pattern and all of its complexities and effects? In this way, an abusive/neglectful upbringing truly is "larger-than-life".

At least the people with healthy upbringings who were traumatized later on in life have an idea of what "normal" is so that they know what to aim for! Those of us from dysfunctional backgrounds have no idea what to strive for or how to do it. We suffer a serious lack of awareness of healthy boundaries, communication methods, or coping mechanisms (these things were never modeled for us). We usually don't have any healthy, normal mentors or role models, and don't have a healthy support network. Someone who grew up in a functional family who comes home from war at least has a support network as well as a lifetime of healthy parental modeling etc. What do we have? We have to build ourselves up from nothing. So don't give me that crud about "real heroes"! WE ARE "real heroes"!

 

[PerfectEmpire]

Also, I love your profile picture!

 

[Lady of Longbourn]

Welcome to the forum. :)

Be kind to yourself!

 

[Abrasky]

Welcome to the forum.

It is nice you are not isolated here.:).