Isolated myself for far too long and now feel lost and in despair

[bobagrill]

I have a problem. I have CPTSD and it's been a brutal ride for about 10 years. I'm in my 30's now and this year was the year I started CBD and marijuana as a medication and it flipped some switch inside me.
Before about 4 months ago I was living an extremely boring life for 10 years, never left my apartment other than for groceries (rarely) and only for medical appointments (have injuries from service).
The problem is that since I started marijuana all the coping things I've used for 10 years (all indoor things) have become extremely boring and stopped helping with coping.

I have been in immense sadness and loneliness for the past 4 months. My hair stopped growing and is turning gray within weeks this drastic change happened. I feel like I'm dying.

I signed up to all the dating sites and haven't had luck. I've tried dating through CL but it's been a nightmare as none of my relationships last more than a week, usually the other person stops contact. I tried an honest approach in letting the other person know about my ptsd and issues and it didn't work. I've tried acting and hiding it but it leaks through as I always get asked if I have PTSD and I'm honest about it.

The only happiness I find is with a random person I find to cuddle, but it's not enough as they usually get turned off fast and ignore me. I'm good looking so that's what saves me with first contact.

What I really want is too find a friend but it's been a massive struggle. I love sports and for the past decade the teams I follow I've been locked inside and everytime an important game comes up I end up feeling extremely lonely as I couldn't get out.

How can I find a group, people that I can relate too. I've tried meetup app but there isn't any groups in my area. I don't have a car either. The sadness is killing me, I can feel that I'm dying inside.

Today I met a gay guy to hang out, it was ok and I felt extremely sad in the morning, then met him and felt ok when we went to watch a movie (I'm not gay just easier finding friends in the LGBT community) but now I'm home and extremely sad again. And by extreme I mean extreme, as in that feeling that your about to cry but I dojn't cry and feel this for the past 3 years, more so this year when I realized I want someone close in my life.

I need help, I need to know what I can do and how I can meet people that will stick.
I need to do something as I don't think I'll make it to 40 (im in my early 30's).

Will buying a car help me? or a car doesn't matter and it's more about me. I live in a densely populated area.

 

[EveHarrington]

Loneliness downright sucks!

I know this all too well.....and I just want to give you a hug right now!

I don't have any suggestions as finding people is something I struggle with, too. I recently met a guy and things are going well.....but it seems like there was a lot of pure luck involved.

 

[OneBloodyMoment]

I was reading thru another person's post regarding isolating and lonliness (mainly because I'm going thru the same thing myself rather intensely at this time) and I found myself almost replying (at ridiculously great length, which is why I abandoned it. Lol.) to say what @EveHarrington said so concisely about her relationship "...it seems like there was a lot of pure luck involved."

I know it's almost always much more complicated for those of us who have CPTSD or PTSD (I myself have the former) than it is for people who aren't sufferers. It's hard to know when to tell potential friends/SOs about our PTSD, how much detail to go into about our past experiences, etc. But I honestly believe that it comes down to luck in finding actual people who willing/able to give us the level of understanding we need in a relationship. There's no one place or way for us to encounter the "right" kind of person. The last person I became very close to I meet on a forum site dedicated to a TV show I'm a big fan of. I ended up telling her more about my past, about my abuse, than I'd ever told anyone in my life. Unfortunately, our relationship turned romantic and for reasons having to do more with her issues than my CPTSD I felt that had to end. That was 6 months ago and it's been very hard losing the best friend I'd had, probably in my life. But I digress...

I don't think buying a car sounds like a bad idea. Things are more about you than they are about a vehicle exactly, you have to be willing to keep trying to put yourself out there. But a car would likely facilitate that. Perhaps you could find some meetup opportunities that you could get to with a car for example. It would also give you the freedom to just get up and go. I ride a motorcycle, weather permitting of course, and I find I'm more motivated to get out of the house when it's a beautiful day outside and I can just ride.

I truly wish you the best. I know fully well what that lonliness feels like and how much it can add to isolating. I've been at that "feeling that you're about to cry" place for a long time too. Please keep trying. Take care.