Relationship Isolation and my bf

[Orchid1818]

Yes a committed relationship bf/gf.

 

[Orchid1818]

Thanks All for your help and insight.

 

[Freida]

I isolate for the month of January. Every year. The first couple weeks aren't bad - but by the middle of the month I'm like a zombie (according to hubby) and then I take off for a few days. Five years of therapy and I still do it. I"m better about talking with hubby when I can, texting when I'm gone that I'm ok, maybe(?) not being such a raving bitch.
But I still do it. Every year. I also have a couple days here and there throughout the year but I'm pretty predictable so that takes some of the pressure off.

We both know it's coming so its just something we have learned to deal with. If he told me I had at timeline that I had to be "done" by we would be divorced by now. Isolation isn't something I can control. It lasts as long as it lasts. So asking him to not isolate might not work. Setting boundaries about what happens while hes isolating might be what you need to look at instead. That's the checking in, knowing where he is at, etc.

 

[joeylittle]

Can you set a boundry. Gone more then a few days, I need a text, every few days, that you are ok, AKA alive. That I just cannot worry for 2 to 3 weeks at a time, which by all rights, is reasonable.

Just bouncing off this, because it’s always important to remember: boundaries aren’t conditions.

Boundaries: rules you make to govern your own behavior, so that you understand what you are choosing to tolerate.
Conditions: rules you make to limit or control someone else’s behavior - for relationships, these are often in the form of trade-offs or compromises.

Conditions can be really important and useful - but they don’t speak to what YOU will do when they aren’t met.

@Orchid1818 - it’s really up to you to decide how much of the isolation you are willing to wait through.

I think another boundry should be therapy and actively working on things but that'll have to be up to you.

Also, not a boundary. @Orchid1818, setting a boundary here would have to do again with you deciding how much untreated mental illness you are willing to tolerate.

 

[Orchid1818]

He still hasn't initiated contact.

 

[Orchid1818]

At what point does isolating and shutting down, refusing to talk, turn into taking advantage of someone?

 

[Justmehere]

Dang. He’s still not in contact with you? Not much of a relationship, is it? If my partner wasn’t in contact for a long time, I’d feel terrible.

Dating is really about seeing if two people click, and it takes more than love to make it work. What he is able and willing to do may be too different from what you need and what in a relationship to make it work.

You can stay in it, hoping he will change, but you could very well end up feeling more and more resentful of someone who really isn’t there for you.

His choice to not have contact is not really taking advantage of you. He’s showing what he is and isn’t willing or able to do. You get to make a difficult decision now about if you will continue to wait or move on.

 

[Orchid1818]

He typically isolated for 3 weeks.

How does anyone have a relationship with their significant other if they isolate?

 

[Justmehere]

Many don’t.

 

[Orchid1818]

Many vets are married.

 

[lostforgottensoul]

How does anyone have a relationship with their significant other if they isolate?

Boundries. Good, solid, adhered to boundries. And knowing where your boundries are.

He still hasn't initiated contact.

Can you intiate contact with a text staring your boundries?

 

[Orchid1818]

I did. He finally responded. I need to set boundaries and adhere to them. Again what are some boundaries you set.