General Isolation, Coping Mechanism Or Bad Habit?

[DMerish]

Hi Badger -

You're absolutely right: more understanding is needed. PTSD is a complex condition with various symptopms and the degree that symptoms can affect someone's life is unique to that person. I don't know about other countries, but in the USA the government would rather keep the condition out of sight and sound. Also, the NIH is more interested in "acedemics" - personnel write materials after they've done a lot of research and asked a lot of questions. However, those questions may not always be the right ones to ask and by the time some material is accepted for publication by the NIH it can be years after the research was done!

I'm sorry I don't have the name of a good book I could suggest for supporters. I looked for one in vain last year myself. I'm a sufferer and a supporter (or at least I try to be). At times, I've thought that being a supporter is tougher than dealing with PTSD!

I commend you for coming to these boards, asking questions, and trying to understand for yourself. Even if you did find a book that explained things, it wouldn't be the same as hearing it from several people here in "real time" or from your loved one, right?

I really liked the second part of Kas_Can's answer directly above my post here, and Solara's too. And I have something to say about your comment "People I like equal comfort and safety to me and I struggle to understand this other way of thinking."

IMO people that have PTSD also equate comfort and safety with the people they like. We really, really, like people that understand us, accept us, and don't push us, or make shameful or guilt producing remarks, and who are pliant and flexible. Those people serve as models for us to emulate - It makes us want to love ourselves more, get healthier, engage with other people and be better all around.

Just my $0.02

 

[Kas_Can_Fly]

Kas- how can you see your shame reflected back in others?

I'm pretty sure I must imagine it, but I swear sometimes it's really there. I feel guilty over my behaviours - that they put undue stress on others and that I should be able to do more and I feel ashamed that I need more than most people even though I do practically nothing. When I come out of isolation, everyone feels sorry for me, like they think I've been in hell while I've been on my own. They also know that the isolation is a part of the PTSD and they know what caused the PTSD and they think that was hell too and that pity is what I'm ashamed about, I don't deserve their pity or their sympathy and they aren't always entirely accurate about what they think, but I see them and I feel ashamed because of what I put them through and what they see in me - if I don't see them that side of them doesn't exist, but when I do see them, especially around the time of isolation, I see that and I feel wrong.

 

[Kas_Can_Fly]

People I like equal comfort and safety to me and I struggle to understand this other way of thinking.

They do to me too, but sometimes something bad happens in my head and the opposite seems true. I was abused by my father - he should have been the safest person in the world but he did terrible things to me. Now I don't trust what I should be able to trust - in others or myself. But mostly myself. Not trusting someone doesn't scare me, trusting someone does, because then I'm weak and I have let them put me in a position to be exploited, which I shouldn't have done - therefore I fear trust as it grows because for me trust=pain. Obviously not all of the time, but sometimes I find myself happy and then it hits me like a sheet of metal - what if they notice I've let my guard down. I know it's irrational and not the case. I know I need to work past this.

 

[mamachick]

Albotross said it well
"My inlcination is to isolate, yet my social responsibility and needs are not met unless I break out of the cycle. Humans are social beings."

When they speak of isolation, they are not referring to the healthy sort of taking time for oneself. It is good for everyone to feel comfortable being alone for periods of time. Those who isolate, including myself, and prefer isolation, are not doing what they need to get better. Just as illegal drug us is not going to help with recovery. So they call them negative coping mechanisms. Some refer to them as maladaptive rather than negative. I think of it as buying time.

Any therapist would encourage their clients to get out of the house, to be with other people, and to find a sense of belonging. However, even therapist are trained to "meet the client where they are", therefore, going to the grocery store once a week may be progress for some. Isolation is not good for us, but it is comfort for many of us. Given the choice, it is really hard to not lean toward what is comfortable.

This is, IMHO, one of the reasons that I think that a residential treatment facility would be so good for many with ptsd. A half way house type of environment, where people are able to push themselves out of the isolation, but also have some freedom for personal space and choices, while under the care of a good treatment facility. Once you find comfort in isolating, it is very difficult to get out of. I get out of it for a few weeks and as soon as something bad happen, I am back to hybernation.

 

[mamachick]

Badger said "people I like equal comfort and safety to me and I strrugge to understand this other way of thinking"

Some people get ptsd after an event such as a hurricane or plane crash. Those that have ptsd due to other peoples behavior seem to be more distrusting of people. It is not really about trusting others, its about trusting ourselves to know who to trust and be able to respond in a way that keeps us safe, ultimately trusting ourself-which I think Kas-Can-Fly was saying. When this is how you think, it takes a lot more energy to scan the world for que's when out in the world. This is likely why some prefer to isolate.

Also, we all have either an external or internal locus of control. Those with an internal locus of control feel that they have control over their life and what happens to them. I use to be this way. Those with an external locus of control believe that the world determines what happens and we have no control. It is much easier to have control over ones environment if it is confined to 4 walls.

 

[Badger]

Kas, Thank you so much for explaning that. My sufferer was also abused by his father and has similar issues. In some ways it helps that I was also abused by a cop even though it was not my dad- (friend ofthe family) maybe it lessens the shame. I know all I can do is be honest with him and try not to push him. And also as hard as it seems sometimes, not expect anything and be grateful for the friendship we have.The isolating saddens me though, because I miss him, and love him just the way he is, right now. I can see through the complexity and emotional chaos to the strong spirit underneath. I think sometimes people just need someone to believe in them, you know?

 

[mamachick]

Isolation is the failure to maintain contact with individuals or groups. I just want to be clear that when I am referring to isolation, it is not avoiding others for a short time period or an occassional short period. I think it is important to differentiate because I dont want my comment to be taken wrong. Everyone needs a weekend without cell phones and such and it is probably very healthy. I know that my isolation is not healthy but it is comfortable.

I use to walk 4 miles every single day. One winter the kids were out of school almost every day for a month due to weather. The side froze and melted and all the ice was choppy and dangerous. Temperatures were well below zero plus the wind chill factor. I was so use to walking that I continued to even though tougher. I just wrapped a scarf around my mouth as the news was speaking of dangers. Since I did this every day hot or cold, it was a bit uncomfortable. When I want to isolate, I think of going out as what it would feel like for someone who lives in warm temperatures to take a 4 mile walk in -30 with icy roads. Unprepared, uncomfortable, uninterested.

 

[Kas_Can_Fly]

Yes Brat, that is the issue - I never know who to trust not because of them, but because of me. I have no trust in myself or my own emotions, gut feelings, reactions or instincts.

Below this in the "Similar Threads" section is a thread titled Selective Isolation By PTSD Sufferer. In which it is noted to the poster that it would be easier for a person in isolation to see someone they don't know as well than someone who they are close to because the person who doesn't know them doesn't have any expectations, as then you don't have anything to maintain and you can't let someone down because they don't know what to expect from you.

 

[mamachick]

KCF, I know what you mean, my radar is often off. I dont know if others are this way, but I prefer not to run into people that I know as acquaintances or that I use to work with and such. Its very uncomfortable. It is painfully straining to make small talk and remember their kids or husbands name to ask how they are, or their circumstances. I dont want to be rude and I dont want to be seen as prying. When I cant remember things, I feel like they think I dont care. It is very superficial conversation. I have been this way since a head injury. But in addition to the things I mentioned, I live in a small town and feel like everybody knows my business. I had dinner with a local principal of the elementary school my children went to 16 years ago, and he told me all kinds of confidential information about kids, the parents, the administrators. It was plain gossip. There was no purpose.

Since I have an adult daughter who is an attorney so has some credibility, has spent the last 12 years of her life verbally abusing me, tearing me down to others, Im sure that others are aware of the period that I over indulged in alchohol, my depression, my hospitalization, the crappy men that I have dated, how I have spent money, and any other criticism that she can come up with. I feel like others are strained as well, kind of observing me to see how my demeaner is. Its just too much work. So I islolate, feel hopeless, and am careless with meds these days. If I did not wake up, I would be blessed.

I was going to a church group but I keep running into people from my past that Im sure are aware of my pain. I dont think I am going to go back.

 

[fly away home]

My psych asked me the difference between time out and isolating myself. I didn't have an answer but she said isolation is a sign of depression and time out is necessary. I'm still wondering where and how one is different from the other. I do need time out to get my head together, its important. I think I isolate when I shut people out of my life and don't let them back in. I think this could be destructive side of time out but right now I have trouble deciding who is 'safe' and who isn't so I tend to shut more people than I need to out of my life.

 

[Meadowsweet]

Coping mechanism usually does imply a way of coping that needs working on. It is different from a bad habit, because of what lies behind it.

A lot of people here seem to feel like isolating is a natural coping mechanism of PTSD, and some go so far as to assert it as a sort of necessary part of having PTSD.

Avoidance symptoms are a necessary part of the diagnosis of PTSD. Isolation is one such avoidance symptom (there are others).

But avoidance symptoms often develop to avoid other symptoms. So working on lessening avoidance can be a very fine line between being relatively stable and becoming seriously unstable. I think perhaps what you might be viewing as enabling, might be an understanding of what a person needs to stabilise.

That's why it's more helpful to get treatment for the trauma, than it is to try to alter the symptoms without that.

However, there is different severity of isolation. Some need a short time out, some take long periods removed from family or the home. And some people, like myself, create an isolated life. For me, it's one of the most detrimental symptoms of PTSD and I don't feel that I could consider myself in a 'good' place until I can cope with closeness again. But that is a long therapeutic road, I couldn't just stop it.

 

[mamachick]

I think of time out as doing things alone, of meditating, garnderning, watching a movie or just doing nothing. A time out is when your kids are driving you nuts and you tell your husband you will be in the bedroom and want a couple hours alone, or that you are going alone to the park for a walk or to sit on the bench, or your so frustrated with your children you ask to be left alone in your room for an hour. Like you Meadowsweet, mine has become a way of life.

I think it is a negative coping mechanism However. many without ptsd use negative coping mechanisms as well, smoking, eating a half gallon of ice cream being a workaholic, people pleasing , perfectionism, etc. So others leaving the ptsd person to remedy this without being hounded is best. Gentle encouragement would be good. Inviting them to do something that you know that they would really love to do is also encouragement.( could be a movie they have said the want to see, a flea market, off broadway play, concert, or the zoo)

Encouragement and invites are good but refusal need not be taken personal. If someone told me I had to leave everyday to work, I would crack.

Some coping mechanisms are positive. An abusive husband that copes with frustration by going to the basement and fixing something or taking a walk has chosen a positive coping mechanism. Exercise is a positive coping mechanism. Humor is a positive coping mechanism. These are coping mechanisms that are healthy and we do not need to change.

Badger said "and some go as far as to assert it is a sort of necessary part of having ptsd". I am guessing there are some that do not really isolate. But for those who do, it feels like it is as necessary for life as air is.

Again, that is why I think that one hour per week of treatment or less is an ineffective way of treating when isloation is pervasive. That is why I think a safe residential treatment facilty with skilled staff would work well. JMHO