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- #1
Nicolette
Supporter Admin
Before I start, if you suffer from PTSD and read this, please respect that this is based on my experience and not a personal attack on you, your illness or your symptoms.
From what I understand, I haven’t had to deal with many ‘significant’ PTSD events however it is forever present in my life, around any corner. There are now the pre-programmed thoughts and dread when something occurs, hoping, wishing that it doesn’t bring up an onset of PTSD symptoms.
A lot of my actions are pre-thought through as while a surprise is one thing, spontaneity can be dangerous if it is ‘bad timing’ which a lot is simply dependent on what level the PTSD symptoms are at. There is also the constant ‘fear’ of being disappointed – having to go somewhere on your own or not being able to do a planned activity, or not being able to be social; all based on no more that the level of symptoms on any given day. Something, it seems, that can be managed to a point but never controlled.
What I realized the other day, again no disrespect to a sufferer, however, while I totally appreciate it is not personal and it is an illness, disorder, disease (call it what you may) it does affect me and does become about me too. If I am in a relationship with a PTSD sufferer then I suffer too...... not on purpose, but I do as a direct result.
When I first heard about PTSD I thought ok, Post (after), Traumatic (trauma), Stress (get that and suffer from it), Disorder (ok, something that makes things a bit out of whack). No major deal... wow was I wrong! I now have a totally different view and while I wouldn’t change a thing, I would think about it twice if I ever ended up single and a new relationship had a PTSD sign on the entry. I think it is a little different if you are with someone and something occurs which results in PTSD.... but none the less daunting. While I have never been exposed to someone who has unmanaged PTSD, I have to admit it scares the beegeebers out of me based on seeing someone with managed PTSD have a significant ‘event’. To me, by my own definition I would be more likely to categorize PTSD as a serious illness and it even falls under the definition of disease.
A sufferer suffers and that is horrible, I wish I could do anything to make that sort of pain go away, but at the same time it pulls me down with it. I have found that, while I try not to, sometimes I have to walk on eggshells (and it hurts), I sometimes are with someone yet oh so alone, I am in a marriage but sometimes I am the only part of the partnership which is functioning and I feel I can never safely put my head down to rest thinking all will be ok... as you never know what tomorrow will bring.
PTSD affects me, it causes me stress, it impedes on my ability to cope at work as if it is not through lack of sleep worrying, it is worrying about what I might come home to after knowing what I left before going to work, or sometimes it’s as simple as sitting at work while other spouses call up and you know you are not going to get a call today; you will be lucky if your sufferer will even be functioning when you get home.
I have been single as an adult, in fact a single mother, and I get the work load that has on you but, for me, living with someone with PTSD is much harder than raring a child on your own. It’s not having to do the work which drains me but the emotional roller coaster that you join.
For years now I have given out advice and I know it is good and correct however, put the shoe on the other foot, and be in the midst of it emotionally involved and all that seems to slip through your fingers. You get they need to isolate but it hurts being alone; actually it hurts more being alone in a relationship than being single. It’s a known fact that the best you can do is take care of yourself and keep yourself busy but tell that to your mind which is fully of worry and concern.
I realize I am an amazingly capable person to get through this and maintain love and respect for my sufferer and to not take it personally. While I bet my life on it that anyone suffering PTSD would love for it to have a cure, I also bet that no sufferer intentionally sets out to hurt those they love. The cruel fact of life is that anyone struggling will most often lash out at those closest to them first. That’s when it is about me and I hurt too...... maybe not on the same level but just as with someone with PTSD, I did not ask to suffer like this, I did nothing wrong to deserve this, yes I am sure my pain is less in comparison but it is still my pain which hurts me and while in the midst of it, you have to hang on to all the good you know.
From what I understand, I haven’t had to deal with many ‘significant’ PTSD events however it is forever present in my life, around any corner. There are now the pre-programmed thoughts and dread when something occurs, hoping, wishing that it doesn’t bring up an onset of PTSD symptoms.
A lot of my actions are pre-thought through as while a surprise is one thing, spontaneity can be dangerous if it is ‘bad timing’ which a lot is simply dependent on what level the PTSD symptoms are at. There is also the constant ‘fear’ of being disappointed – having to go somewhere on your own or not being able to do a planned activity, or not being able to be social; all based on no more that the level of symptoms on any given day. Something, it seems, that can be managed to a point but never controlled.
What I realized the other day, again no disrespect to a sufferer, however, while I totally appreciate it is not personal and it is an illness, disorder, disease (call it what you may) it does affect me and does become about me too. If I am in a relationship with a PTSD sufferer then I suffer too...... not on purpose, but I do as a direct result.
When I first heard about PTSD I thought ok, Post (after), Traumatic (trauma), Stress (get that and suffer from it), Disorder (ok, something that makes things a bit out of whack). No major deal... wow was I wrong! I now have a totally different view and while I wouldn’t change a thing, I would think about it twice if I ever ended up single and a new relationship had a PTSD sign on the entry. I think it is a little different if you are with someone and something occurs which results in PTSD.... but none the less daunting. While I have never been exposed to someone who has unmanaged PTSD, I have to admit it scares the beegeebers out of me based on seeing someone with managed PTSD have a significant ‘event’. To me, by my own definition I would be more likely to categorize PTSD as a serious illness and it even falls under the definition of disease.
A sufferer suffers and that is horrible, I wish I could do anything to make that sort of pain go away, but at the same time it pulls me down with it. I have found that, while I try not to, sometimes I have to walk on eggshells (and it hurts), I sometimes are with someone yet oh so alone, I am in a marriage but sometimes I am the only part of the partnership which is functioning and I feel I can never safely put my head down to rest thinking all will be ok... as you never know what tomorrow will bring.
PTSD affects me, it causes me stress, it impedes on my ability to cope at work as if it is not through lack of sleep worrying, it is worrying about what I might come home to after knowing what I left before going to work, or sometimes it’s as simple as sitting at work while other spouses call up and you know you are not going to get a call today; you will be lucky if your sufferer will even be functioning when you get home.
I have been single as an adult, in fact a single mother, and I get the work load that has on you but, for me, living with someone with PTSD is much harder than raring a child on your own. It’s not having to do the work which drains me but the emotional roller coaster that you join.
For years now I have given out advice and I know it is good and correct however, put the shoe on the other foot, and be in the midst of it emotionally involved and all that seems to slip through your fingers. You get they need to isolate but it hurts being alone; actually it hurts more being alone in a relationship than being single. It’s a known fact that the best you can do is take care of yourself and keep yourself busy but tell that to your mind which is fully of worry and concern.
I realize I am an amazingly capable person to get through this and maintain love and respect for my sufferer and to not take it personally. While I bet my life on it that anyone suffering PTSD would love for it to have a cure, I also bet that no sufferer intentionally sets out to hurt those they love. The cruel fact of life is that anyone struggling will most often lash out at those closest to them first. That’s when it is about me and I hurt too...... maybe not on the same level but just as with someone with PTSD, I did not ask to suffer like this, I did nothing wrong to deserve this, yes I am sure my pain is less in comparison but it is still my pain which hurts me and while in the midst of it, you have to hang on to all the good you know.
