Relationship It Gets Easier, Right?

[AlbusLupa]

I'll be honest, I'm kind of at a stage where I hate myself for even considering it, but I'm kind of at breaking point my my girlfriend. We're only three months in, but I'm clinging to a potential false hope that things will get easier with time. She's in therapy, she's on medication every few months to help abate the symptoms, but I'm getting worn down by everything. When we're together, I feel I love her and everything will be alright (largely) when we're apart, I begin to wonder.

We'd been planning to meet up this evening, she was baking a cake, we were going to watch a movie, have a relaxing evening. We've both been looking forward to it all week, now, two hours before we were due to meet I get a text "It's nothing personal, but I want to be alone tonight" - which annoys me more than it should, because I hate it when people cancel plans last minute and it's not the first time she's done it. But she also wants me to write a list of "things/goals I want out of life" to discuss.

This coupled with a similar list she wanted a few weeks ago, "things I want out of a relationship" - which I wrote and she didn't give me a copy like she said she would. There's a lot I've had to change for her, supposedly stating opinions in a manner they sounded like a fact, like "Oh, that guinea pig is the nicer one" set her off, as it seemed like it was invalidating her opinion of things. With things she likes I have to ask her advice rather than finding things on my own (I'm running a half marathon in a couple of months, as someone who has run before she was insulted I'd found a training plan online rather than ask her advice). Same with other hobbies - I'm supposedly meant to ask her about things to show an interest rather than doing them myself to show an interest. I'm not allowed to ask how she's slept because she never sleeps well and it upsets her.

Right now I'm certainly feeling like someone here stated - "walking a tightrope over tigers". I can see she's trying - I mentioned last week that I sometimes felt she saw me as a friend rather than a boyfriend, as she never speaks about how she feels or says nice things, she's started complimenting me in the past week. Yet it still feels off, she's too shy to undress in front of me, never wants me to/wants to spend the night together. I don't know, a lot of the time I feel it's not really that much of a relationship. Yet I've read that people who date those who suffer from c-PTSD end up having the stronger relationships, because they've fought through things together, they come out stronger.

I guess I'm just looking for some validation (like I'm supposedly good at giving her) that things will work out alright in the end, that I should stay, that it'll all be worth it. And if not, it certainly feels good to get it off my chest.

Really need an edit button on this site. The other thing that irks me majorly is her claiming I "don't have friends" which is important to her because she needs to know I've got the support there. I do have friends, just not many (I'm introverted, she's extroverted), and most of mine are spread up and down the country, so we talk via phone/text - supposedly invalidating them. Then when I spent time with some friends who had moved close to me, and we were drinking as we hadn't met up in several months, they were invalidated because "going out and getting drunk isn't a good sign of friendship". Signing up to see a counselor ended up quietening her on that topic though.

Plus, I've had to give up a lot of control. She has major issues with control from her father, and I'm laid back so I'm OK with it generally. But it's irksome not knowing when we're going to meet, or what we're going to do, instead relying on her spontaneity and not really able to arrange things myself. Right now, from my point of view it just doesn't seem that healthy and able to last.

 

[TheMinsterman]

I'll be honest, you don't sound very happy and this sounds like a very one sided relationship which is entirely about her and her foibles, that isn't going to work long term, there has to be give and take on both sides not just give on one and take on the other.

You need to really think about what you want, not to give her a list, but for you. Is this the sort of relationship you want? Where you're always in the wrong and your needs are never really respected and you're criticised over minor things? Where you just get dropped at a moments notice?

There's lots here that doesn't sound like PTSD and those that are don't sound excusable to me just because she has it.

I may sound blunt but I don't want to sugar coat things to make you feel better I want you to make a genuine decision for yourself. There's no guarantee she will change and some things may just be elements of her and not related to her condition whatsoever, are you happy to put up with those if that is the case?

You're still young into this, just think if you're unhappy now how much harder will it be to decide you want more later down the line?

Don't get me wrong I am not saying you need to break up but more you need to really think about this and what you really want, this relationship at present is completely one sided and I feel as though your needs are just being neglected and ignored.

 

[Mytime]

I agree, a relationship has to be 2 sided. If it's not resentment kicks in. You are just beginning this relationship. I hope you read around the forum. Learn about setting boundaries, without them you won't have much of a relationship. Wishing you the best and sending support.

 

[LuckiLee]

I'll be honest, I'm kind of at a stage where I hate myself for even considering it, but I'm kind of a...

Hi there. I hate to say this but you're only three months in and this unhappy. Sounds like a red flag to me. All I can say is PTSD is FOREVER. So if I were you I would learn all I can about the disorder. And then think long and hard about a relationship with someone with PTSD. I stay because he is my first love and my HERO. He and I are in this together. We have a wonderful life and relationship but there are some very ugly days in there. I guess what I'm saying is go slow and learn all you can about PTSD before you get too serious. If you read this forum long enough you will see what it's really like. The posts here are brutally honest and heartfelt. I'm glad you're here because you're one more person willing to learn about this disorder. Even if you choose not to stay with your girl you will gain some knowledge about PTSD. Glad you're here and read, read, read. ✌

 

[Snowflakes]

I agree with @leehalf for the reasons I stay but @Mytime is spot on. Resentment burns in one's heart and sometimes it's all I can do to keep from walking out the door. I've said it before, if I knew then what I know now, I'm not sure I would have gotten married. @TheMinsterman gives great advice. I wish I had his insight before being on this long journey.

You titled your thread: "it gets easier, right?"
I hope so but I'm not waiting for it. We do what we do because we love the one we are with. But we also have to learn to take what gets dished out to us and the uncertainty that comes with it.

My suggestion is to read all our stories here and think long and hard whether this is the life you want. It very well may be but will it get easier? A lot depends on you.

Take care. We will always listen to you.

 

[BlueOrange]

It doesn't get easier. But the people in the relationship can become more skilful, and stronger. Which means that it seems easier.

You're allowed to leave. You don't have to have a better reason than "I didn't want to stay." In fact, I don't think there is a better reason. Leaving aside the fact that you were tired and frustrated when you posted (which is inevitable in any relationship), what is the impact that this relationship is having on you? Any long term intimate relationship will change you. Ask yourself, "In what ways am I changing? Do I want to change in those ways?" Then keep going or change direction, as appropriate.

 

[AlbusLupa]

Thank you all for the advice. I suppose it didn't help that I'd had a rough day at work, and was getting a bad headache when she messaged me.

I ended up talking to her about all the issues I was feeling were there. We talked it through and realised we both sometimes need to work on our communication - she can be blunt in what she says at times, because she doesn't always think things through, and I'm allowed to say no without worrying about upsetting her - I just have to do it in a manner that indicates that it's not a personal affront against her (so "no, but how about we do this then instead?" rather than "no, I'm not doing that").

We did end up discussing life goals etc. and found that we match for a lot of them, but, I would like to get married at some point in the future, whereas she doesn't so much. I don't know why I want to get married, I'm not religious, I've no specific lust for it, but for some reason I feel strongly about having it there before having children, which is a large goal for her in life.

That said, there are some very good points that have been raised here, and I certainly have a lot to think about as to whether the relationship is something I'm willing to fight for. A fair amount of the time it does feel one-sided, with me always having to give something up for her. I guess I can see why, she needs to know she's her, keep her autonomy, but every relationship is about give and take on both sides. I can't give everything I have just to make her complete. Like I say, a lot to think about. Thank you all for reading me rant and giving advice.

 

[GMW]

can I just say something positive here...

3 months in and already you're communicating honestly with each other. Forget what it is you're talking about or how you're talking for the moment.
3 months and you're already ABLE to have deep conversations about where this is going and what you both want. That's pretty significant and positive! It shows that even if the "L" word hasn't been used yet, you both really care about each other, want a significant, meaningful relationship are committed to honesty and openness and don't shy away from tough conversations - all VERY important things in a successful relationship.

I know some "normal" couples who have been together YEARS, bought a house together and STILL have not had the "are we getting married/going to have kids?" talk! Which I think is totally bonkers since having been through a divorce, I can categorically state that in this day and age, buying a house together is harder to get out of than a marriage!! I scratch my head at couples who don't realise that!!

WELL DONE for not being "normal" in that respect!!

I will have been married for 5 years in July. We are having some really awful problems with my issues right now and communication is pretty much non-existent.

So will it get better? In my experience... it is like EVERY relationship. Highs and lows. You cannot expect a relationship with a "non" to be better than someone with MH issues (for a start everyone has SOME issue, SOME personality foible, nobody is perfect and no relationship will be perfect either). With someone with a MH issue though I think the lows ARE lower... but then the highs are HIGHER because it's like "oh thank f*** that's over!! Let's really enjoy this good spell while we have it"

Relationships with someone with MH issues are basically roller coasters. You might never find that she is "cured". So you have to put that notion to bed right now. It's unhelpful and hurtful for both of you to cling to that belief. It could well be that one day she is better, but it could also be that she will always struggle. With CPTSD, the latter is (in my knowledge) more likely. It's really whether the highs are long and high enough for you to cling onto their memory during the lows.

Think of it like a spiral. At the start she is right in the centre of the spiral, spinning round and round the same point multiple times. It's intense and f***ing awful. As she progresses through her journey, the circles get larger and more spaced out. She's still circling the same point, but the time between hitting the same horrible point on the spin gets longer, the time spent in that horrible place gets shorter and it's less intense. Over time the spiral gets looser and looser till she might go YEARS between MH crises. The spiral MAY eventually stop (doubtful, even after meds and therapy). She may always be on the spiral (more likely) OR she may start another entirely new spiral right from the start at some point. You can't really tell. If you are hoping for someone to tell you categorically "the spiral will one day end" then you need to come to terms with the fact that you probably will never find that.

What is REALLY positive is that whatever place she's at right now, she is finding ways of being with you. She is finding ways of telling you what she needs. That's good, that's really good. Lots of people with MH problems go into hedgehog mode (clam up and prick you) rather than talking. My guess is she's done a lot of work already if she can do that. She's IS also considering your needs. I noted that she wanted to know what you want, what you think, how you feel. It's not all one sided. It feels like it because how the communication progresses is on her terms, but believe me, if she was truly being selfish she would not be asking at all. In time she will learn better ways of communicating (as will you) and you will learn how to be together as a couple in the context of both of your issues. Therapy is really about learning about yourself, about your past, about how to cope, better ways of being, of coping. It is also about letting someone else take care of yourself and receiving the care, time and attention you never got as a child. It will become easier for her to be her (and for you to be with her), but she will always be her. So relationship stuff may never come naturally to her (probably won't) and she might always struggle, but she's trying, she's trying hard to find ANY way she can of talking to you and that is a sign that she cares about you and your relationship.

I think only 3 months in it will be hard to make the call whether you should stay or go, since you haven't experienced enough of the highs and lows to understand how low she will go and how high she can climb. So my advice would be to give it time, that will show give you the answers to what a relationship with her will be like.

Then later, when the relationship is a little more established, couples therapy would be really helpful if you're both motivated to make it last.

Good luck

xx

 

[kilted]

You're only 3 months in.... and it sounds like she has some problematic issues....

I've learned over many years and much pain that women with issues are like catnip for me. Now I've some distance (and much therapy) I can feel the attraction, but not act on it.

This has been VERY interesting..... because instead of rushing in I can observe what happens next..... which is usually that the woman is approached by another guy who falls for her, gets chewed up, and she reappears on the scene, and the cycle repeats.
Recognising this has saddened me, because the guys that get pulled in are the one's who don't have strong boundaries, and what the woman needs is a man with appropriately strong boundaries. (Since I'm a man I'm describing my experience, but it works whatever the gender)

It's great you are communicating about this..... 3 months isn't much time to develop the trust needed to talk about what's really going on for her, and you, so your doing well. .

One thing I would say is that cutting out texting might be a way forward.... texting/messaging is short, curt and doesn't allow for nuance and emotional connection, so it is much more likely to trigger an unwanted emotional response.

Everyone can be triggered by relationship stuff..... so there's a two way street here.... and it sounds like the two way thing isn't in her playbook yet..... if the relationship is to become healthy that has to change.